‘Dear Beloved Family’
Season 9, Episode 12 - Aired January 10, 2018
When Gloria takes Phil to the hospital after he is struck down by stomach pains, the entire family races to be by his side on the 200th episode of Modern Family.
Quote from Claire
Claire: [on the phone] Hi, I ordered your Ultra-Soft Gel-Heel Socks, and they are both marked "L." And "L" is for "L" is for large. Hilarious. I'm thinking I've been wearing two left socks. I am adorable.
Quote from Gloria
Claire: [answering phone] Hello?
Gloria: Claire, everything is okay, but I am taking Phil to the hospital. [glancing at Phil] He's dead!
Phil: I was just resting my eyes!
Quote from Jay
Jay: [cell phone rings] Really, Schwartzy? Calling me while I'm putting? It's bush-league moves like that why your wife left you, why we still play poker and never invite you, why we- Oh, it's Gloria.
Gloria: Jay, pick up Joe and meet me at the hospital!
Jay: What happened? Is it Stella?!
Quote from Jay
Jay: Sorry, guys. Emergency, I gotta take the cart.
Marv: What?!
Jay: The clubhouse is 50 yards away. Walk the first 25, make camp, and then tackle the rest in the morning.
Quote from Jay
Jay: [on the phone] Phil, how's the pain? On a scale of one to-
Phil: Bo Derek!
Jay: 10. Got it. Boy, they did not get that score wrong, huh?
Quote from Jay
Jay: Oh, crap. We don't have time for this valet stuff. I'm going rogue. Luke, this thing's not fast enough. Grab a nine-iron, try to hook a bumper.
Quote from Mitchell
Joe: If Phil dies, would Claire get a new husband?
Cameron: Okay, he's not gonna die, bud.
Mitchell: But to answer your question, yes, probably. You have to move on with life.
Cameron: Wow.
Quote from Phil
Claire: Phil, honey, how are you?
Phil: Oh, back in the hospital.
Claire: Oh.
Phil: But better because of Elsie and her friend IV.
Claire: Oh.
Phil: If it's okay, I invited IV to come live with us.
Quote from Phil
Claire: Well, I brought you something that's gonna make you feel so much better.
Phil: Oh, Surgery Bear. Our first year dating, we went to a carnival. At the milk-can toss, there was a bear that Claire really liked. I spent all night trying to win it, but I just couldn't. Came back the next night and the carnival had left town. So, I drove to Fresno, failed again. Sacramento, no dice. Six weeks later, in Carson City, Nevada, it happened.
Claire: Yeah.
Phil: When I handed it to her and saw the smile on her face, I proposed to her on the spot.
Quote from Phil
Mitchell: Hey, Phil.
Phil: Hi.
Mitchell: How you feeling?
Gloria: Did you tell them about the long pants?
Phil: Oh, yeah, they had to cut me out of them when th- [laughing] When they got tangled up in the spokes of the wheelchair!
Jay: Well, they gave him the good stuff.