Luke: Good thing we had Mom's gas card.
Haley: Don't make me regret buying you that lighter, dude. Put it down.
Alex: Okay, I'm just gonna say it. Our parents are totally irresponsible. And I'm not just talking about us walking in on their little freak show earlier.
Haley: Just let it go.
Alex: No! We're lucky to be alive. How often do they let Luke go to school in shorts in the winter? And they let me ride in the front seat before I was 60 pounds. And they never shut the gate at the top of the stairs when we were babies. Do you know how many times you fell on your head? Do you?

Claire: So why don't you just get off your high horse, Dad? At least I am trying to handle this better than the two of you did.
Jay: What did we do?
Claire: You made gimlets and went back to your room.
Jay: What were we supposed to do?
Claire: You-You could have talked to me. You could have made sure that I was okay.
Jay: Wanna talk about it?
Claire: Yes.
Jay: Fine! Your mother and I were watching a particularly racy episode of Hart to Hart. Stefanie Powers had to go undercover as a call girl.
Claire: Mm-mmm. Dad.
Jay: Hang on. This whole story makes more sense if you know I got a thing for thigh-high boots.
Claire: Oh, gross. Gross. You are ruining sex for me. And boots.

Claire: And, uh, I'm just gonna say it. I'm really sorry about what happened.
Phil: Well, we're not sorry about what happened. We're sorry that you saw what happened.
Claire: Okay. They get that. Let's see. No one wants to see their parents Sssssss-
Phil: Your sensuality-
Claire: Not dressed- Oh.
Phil: Basically, it's two adults.
Claire: Adults.
Phil: It's like you're shaking hands-
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Phil: But you're not using your hands at all.

Claire: Hey. What's this?
Haley: Your anniversary present.
Phil: Aw!
Claire: That's very sweet.
Phil: My goodness.
Claire: What is it? A door lock. How embarrassing. Thank you.
Phil: We'll use it all the time.

Mitchell: They can take us at 5:15.
Cameron: What are we, 80?
Mitchell: Or 10:45.
Cameron: What are we, 20?

Mitchell: The most important playdate ever. So I'm really gonna need you to sparkle, sweetie.
Cameron: Oh, I'm gonna sparkle like it's the Fourth of July.
Mitchell: I was talking to Lily.
Cameron: Hmm?

Alex: It's our parents' anniversary, so we're surprising them with breakfast in bed.
Haley: They're impossible to buy for. We think. We've never really tried.

Claire: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Phil: It's okay. Maybe they didn't see anything.
Claire: Sweetie, they screamed. They dropped a tray of dishes and they ran out of here like they were on fire.
Phil: You were on fire, lady.
Claire: Really? You're still going?
Phil: Forgive me for thinking your zesty performance deserves some praise.
Claire: Phil, our children are downstairs right now, and they're probably traumatized.

Jay: Hey, Shorty told me about this restaurant in Vegas. It's got a three-story wine tower right in the middle of it. Guy who gets your wine flies around on a wire.
Gloria: Like the Peter Pan?
Jay: No. Not like "the Peter Pan." This is a high-end place.
Gloria: Oh, yeah, because all the finest restaurants in the world have people flying around on wires.
Jay: You know, you used to go bananas when the Japanese guy flipped a shrimp onto your plate. Now look at you.
Gloria: Try her again!
Jay: Fine. And just so you know, it's not like Peter Pan. I mean, nobody wears tights or anything.
Gloria: Well, if they're not wearing anything, I don't want them flying over my food.

Jay: [on the phone] Phil, it's me. Can I talk to Claire?
Phil: Yeah. One second, Jay. It's your dad.
Claire: No, no. Can't. Uh-uh.
Phil: She doesn't want to talk right now.
Gloria: Ay, no.
Jay: Why not?
Claire: Uh, she's a little too upset.
Jay: Phil, put her on.
Phil: He says he wants you-
Claire: Hang up the phone.
Phil: I'm sorry, Jay. She says I have to go. [disconnects]