Jay: You know, she's my daughter and everything but that guy seriously needs to grow a pair. Well, we tried. Vegas, here we come.
Gloria: Turn around the car.
Jay: Only 'cause I want to.

Cameron: This is a beautiful home. I love the throwback to the '60s.
Mitchell: Although if this was the '60s, we'd be a couple of "confirmed bachelors" and Lily would be a Yorkie.
Amelia: And I'd still be trapped in a loveless marriage.
Mitchell: Oh, Amelia.

Cameron: Did you hear that? When we know what to say, we're in.
Mitchell: Oh, this is very exciting. I've never had an in at a restaurant before. They'll probably greet us at the door by our names, show us to our favorite table.
Cameron: Let us play fast and loose with the menu order lunch things for dinner, dinner things for lunch.

Mitchell: Act like you weren't listening.
Cameron: What does that look like?
Mitchell: Like this.

Claire: Okay. We need a game plan. We need to rehearse exactly what we're gonna say 'cause that is the only way I'm gonna hold it together when my babies are looking at me with judgment and disgust.
Phil: First of all, that's how they always look at us. [eating on the floor]
Claire: Oh, Phil.
Phil: Secondly, this isn't as traumatic as you think.
Claire: Honey, I walked in on my parents having sex once. It was- Oh, awful. I can't even get the image out of my mind.
Phil: Claire, we're not your parents. We're in much better shape.

Cameron: It's not coming out! It's not coming out!
Mitchell: Blot! Don't rub, blot!
Cameron: We are beyond blotting and rubbing. We've moved on to sweating and crying.

Mitchell: Okay. Let's not panic. We'll tell Amelia what happened, and then we'll pay to have it cleaned.
Cameron: What if it can't be cleaned, Mitchell?
Mitchell: Okay, okay. Then we'll pay for a new rug.
Cameron: Are you insane? This is a limited edition alpaca handmade Stark rug. I saw it in Architectural Digest. It costs $50,000. It was in Diane Keaton's house. Oh, no. It was in- Oh, what's-her-name's house. Um, from Prizzi's Honor. From, uh... Oh, she was in Addams Family.
Mitchell: Anjelica Huston!
Cameron: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mitchell: Oh, my God. $50,000? For a rug? Cam, we don't have that kind of money.
Cameron: Maybe she won't make us pay. I mean, we wouldn't make someone pay if this happened to us.
Mitchell: Did you not hear her on the phone? "Fix it! Replace it! Write me a check!" She probably has that embroidered on a pillow right next to a jar of human tears.

Cameron: Maybe we can turn this around.
Mitchell: How? It looks like someone bled out over here.
Cameron: No. I mean the rug. Maybe we can turn the whole rug around. Put it under the couch. See? No one would ever know it's there.
Mitchell: Well, we would know.
Cameron: Well...
Mitchell: What are you thinking?
Cameron: You don't wanna know.
Mitchell: No, tell me, 'cause I think I'm thinking the same thing.
Cameron: I seriously doubt that, because now I'm thinking it was Joan Collins's house.

Claire: What are you talking about?
Gloria: What are you talking about?
Claire: The kids just walked in on me and Phil... in bed. We've just spent the last hour holed up in our room, trying to figure out what to say to them.
Gloria: Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. Can I use your computer? I just need to check one e-mail.
Claire: Yeah, the kitchen.
Jay: Gloria, I just switched us to the next flight. Did you guys get everything straightened out?
Gloria: Claire is very upset because the kids just walk in on them having sex.
Jay: Oh, geez.
Claire: Now that we're all up to speed-
Gloria: She's so upset that she hasn't even had time to apply her makeup or use her computer.