Haley: [aside to camera] We thought the lock was a really good idea.
Alex: But the problem is, it makes a noise.
Luke: A loud noise. It's hard for me to look at Dad afterwards.

Jay: Come on! Let's go. We're gonna need a little extra time at airport security 'cause I'm pretty sure they're gonna want to pat you down.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Manny's with his father for the weekend so Jay and I are flying to Vegas.
Jay: I'm a little torn because I want alone time with Gloria but I also like rubbing Manny's head for good luck.

Gloria: I just need to send this e-mail to Claire why I'm not working on the bake sale next week, but I can't say the real reason.
Jay: Why not?
Gloria: Because she drive me crazy when she's in charge of these things.
Jay: Okay. We got a flight to catch, so let me help you out here. You tell me what you wanna say to her, and I'll help you find a nice way to say it.
Gloria: I want to say "I can't work on the bake sale because you're a bossy control freak that looks down on my cupcakes, even though your lemon squares were very dry."
Jay: There. Okay? How's this?
Gloria: "Dear Claire, I can't work the bake sale because you're a bossy control freak who look down..." Very funny, Jay. Ay. Ay. Why the whoosh? Where did- Where is the e-mail? It sended! Ay! Make it come back.
Jay: I don't know how to make it come back.
Gloria: Now she's gonna read it and she's gonna think it's from me!
Jay: Well, technically, it was from you. But come on. Let's hit the road.
Gloria: It sended! Please come back.

Phil: [aside to camera] Yeah. Our kids walked in on us. We were, as they say, having sex.
Claire: That's not a euphemism, Phil. It's exactly what we were doing. Having sex in front of our children.
Phil: Well, they weren't there when we started.
Claire: No.
Phil: In fact, you weren't even there when we started.

Alex: [washing eyes out] I can still see it!
Haley: I can't believe that just happened.
Luke: What were they doing?
Alex: Nothing.
Luke: Whatever it was, it looked like Dad was winning.
Haley: "It"! They were doing "it"!
Alex: He has no idea what you're talking about.
Luke: Sex?
Alex: Yes!
Luke: I know what sex is, Alex. It's when a man and a woman take off their underpants and then get into the bed.
Alex: Stop talking!

Phil: This is only a big deal if we make it a big deal. We set the tone here. So let's just play it cool. Act like it was a big, funny mix-up. Crack a few jokes, lighten the mood.
Claire: Jokes?
Phil: Yeah.
Claire: What kind of jokes?
Phil: Well, this is I'm just spitballing here, but What if I was all, "Knock, knock." And they were, like, "Who's there?" And I was all "Someone who doesn't want to see their parents doing it. That's why we knocked." Again, this is this is very rough.

Haley: Why are they still up there?
Luke: Yeah. How long does sex take?
Alex: Oh, my God. Stop talking.
Luke: Did you guys notice that Dad had the same look on his face as when he smells a new car?

Gloria: Where is your mother? - I need to talk to her.
Haley: I don't think it's a good time right now. She won't come out of her room.
Gloria: She's really upset, isn't she?
Haley: Big-time.
Alex: How'd you know?
Jay: We called.
Gloria: Tell me exactly what she said.
Luke: I don't know. There was just a lot of screaming.
Jay: Where was your father when all this was going on?
Luke: Oh. He was right behind her.
[Alex runs out screaming]

Phil: Gloria. What are you- What are you doing here?
Claire: Wait. Where are the kids?
Gloria: They just left. They told me that you were very upset.
Claire: Oh, God.
Gloria: And you have every right to be. It was bad.
Claire: I know that.
Gloria: Claire, it was an accident. That doesn't make it any better.
Gloria: Okay, you're right. I know how you feel.
Claire: Oh, God.
Gloria: It happened to me before with another woman. And that time, I was the one getting it. And it hurt.
Phil: Wow.
Gloria: I'm sorry it had to come out like this. But you have to admit that you're only happy when you're the one cracking the whip.
Claire: What?
Gloria: Come on. We all know how you ride Phil. But maybe if you just let go a little maybe even taste my cupcakes I will join you.
Claire: No. Uh, No. No. I am so confused right now.
Phil: I may pass out.

Claire: What are you even doing here, Dad?
Jay: I don't think you should be the one doing the questioning here, missy.
Phil: Don't get mad at her. Your wife's the one who just offered up her cupcakes.