Jay: Son of a bitch, you're a hopeless embarrassment. You're kickin' up more sand than a sea turtle layin' eggs.

Phil: Did you see that?!
Jay: Yeah, that wasn't half bad. Hey, listen, I'm sorry I yelled.
Phil: No, no, no. That's what I needed. My old tumbling master in college used to yell at me all the time. It just made me better.
Jay: Really?
Phil: Oh, yeah. He'd say terrible things about my manhood, he'd throw the chalk bag at me, he'd call me and taunt me over the summer to keep me sharp. So bring it, Jay!
Jay: You stink, Phil. You're the worst thing to happen to golf since they let people wear shorts. [Phil sobs] You just told me to-
Phil: [weeping] No, that's part of it.

Gloria: Just listen with an open mind. She doesn't believe in psychics.
Alex: It's not just psychics. It's all unquantifiable phenomena.
Gloria: I'm going to save you some time. She doesn't have a boyfriend.

Psychic: You are going to meet someone special. I see a handsome man on a horse, like a knight.
Alex: Well, I am going to a renaissance fair this weekend.
Psychic: Yes, I know.
[aside to camera:]
Alex: There's no renaissance fair. Even if there was, I wouldn't go. I'd be the laughingstock of the young astronomer's club. But I couldn't tell Gloria her fortune-teller was a fake. Not until I had a little more fun.

Cameron: Okay, everyone, look sharp, please! The press is here! As I was saying, Maureen, I was really at an advantage having seen the Broadway production. I was able to learn from their mistakes. For example, in my production, the phantom appears in the first scene, because after all, it's not called "Christine and Raoul of the opera."
Maureen: I have two sources telling me your lead is home with chicken pox.
Cameron: Uh, mono.
Maureen: Make that three sources.
Cameron: Oh, damn, you're good. Um, permission to speak off the record?
Maureen: Denied.
Cameron: Okay, fine. Well, then see for yourself in just a moment. Tonight a star will be born.
Manny: Cam?
Cameron: Not now, Manny. I'm birthing something. Sometimes in the theater, the real drama happens before the curtain rises. Observe. Luke Dunphy, how would you like to play the starring role in Cameron Tucker's Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Phantom of the Opera"?

Maureen: Luke Dunphy, is it true you passed because of creative differences with an overbearing director?
Cameron: Say nothing to that jackal!

Cameron: Okay, well, I guess we only have one option.
Manny: I'll do it.
Cameron: Hmm?
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I was gonna say play the role myself, but, you know, I guess it really should be about the kids.

Claire: [aside to camera] I wanted to tell Haley about the dangers of starting a family too early, but what could I say that couldn't be said better by a screaming baby?

Mitchell: One stroke down on the final hole. It's such a big putt. Such a big, big putt.
Pepper: I like big putts, and I cannot lie.
Phil: Money.

Pepper: A hundred bucks! Oh, we did it! Now I can afford the shirt that matches these pants.