Malcolm: Then a butterfly landed on my wrist and I woke up.
Ms. Gilbert: What color was that butterfly?
Malcolm: It was either blue or purple. Definitely not red or orange. That I can remember.
Ms. Gilbert: Your dream, Malcolm, is so... so tranquil and soothing. This is- This is encouraging.
Malcolm: Yeah?
Ms. Gilbert: Mm-hmm. Yep, you're starting to relax.
Malcolm: I think I might be, too. [to camera] I need to seem cured, but to leave the door open for a relapse when we start ballet next semester.

Lois: So, my children are emotionally disturbed?
Ms. Gilbert: Oh, we don't like to use those labels. I spent a whole week with Malcolm.
Lois: Really? A whole week.
Ms. Gilbert: Yes, and, uh... to be honest, I think, I think there are some, uh, definite issues that you and he need to talk about. Malcolm, you want to share this drawing with your mother?
Malcolm: No, that's okay.
[Lois grabs the drawing which shows Hal, Francis, Reese and Dewey with their mouths agape as a giant Lois eats Malcolm]
Lois: I like what you've done with my teeth.

Malcolm: [sobbing] I'm sorry.
Lois: [sobbing] Oh, no, don't be. I'm the one who should apologize.
Malcolm: No, you guys just want what's best for me. I know that.
Lois: Oh, we do. We love you.
Malcolm: I love you, too.
[Reese crawls away from the wall, pretends to sob and hugs Lois as she hugs Malcolm]
Reese: Mom? You really pissed me off when you took away my hockey stick 'cause I was hitting Dewey with it. I know you're sorry. I'll go in the attic and take it down later.

Lois: Ugh. Another Peterson box.
Hal: Ooh. This is from the '60s.
Lois: Huh.
Hal: I forgot LBJ had his gall bladder out.
Lois: I don't understand. Didn't we clean out this closet when we moved in?
Hal: Apparently not.
Lois: Oh, for crying out loud. They left an old toilet.
[After Hal struggles to lift the toilet, he presses the flush handle]
Lois: This is a bathroom. We have a second bathroom!
Hal: Shh. If we don't tell them, they won't know. It'll just be our little secret. Our beautiful little secret. [both giggle]

Ms. Gilbert: Malcolm, I want you to feel relaxed here. Now, school's really stressful and can be pretty demanding. This could be... This could be a safe place for you to unwind.
Boy: [o.s.] Not the face! Not the face!
Malcolm: Could I... unwind... four or five times a week?
Ms. Gilbert: Maybe. What would we talk about?
Malcolm: I don't know where to begin. [to camera] I really don't.
Ms. Gilbert: Well, that was quite an episode you had in class. Did you want to talk about that?
Malcolm: No. You'll just think it's stupid.
Ms. Gilbert: Nothing you ever say in here will be stupid.
Malcolm: But all I ever do is make mistakes. I feel like I don't even deserve to beat my own high score.
Ms. Gilbert: Oh, yes, you do, Malcolm.
Malcolm: Thank you so much. [to camera] The tricky part is, I need to keep this up without being put on medication.

Caroline: All right, children, it's time to begin the harvest dance. I'd demonstrate myself, but being in my third trimester, I don't want to risk the placenta separating from my uterine wall. [kids groan] Oh, come on. We studied this. There's nothing dirty about the miracle of life. And we should all be able to discuss this openly.
Lloyd: [o.s.] Who's the father?
Stevie: Does he... work here?
Caroline: All right, you know, I told you we are not playing this game again. All right, everyone, gather their dance props, please. Dabney, don't forget you have a dentist appointment. Okay. Your Holiness, would you start the gay - as in happy - Harvest Procession?
Stevie: Let's... kick it.

Martin: I really think you're going to like laundry duty, Francis. Basically, you wash it, you dry it, you fold it. You want me to go through that again?
Francis: No, twice was good. Actually, I don't mind doing laundry. Mom always thought she was punishing me, but I always found it relaxing. Geez, this detergent is awful. This is way too coarse for our cotton blends. Wasn't this stuff banned?
Martin: Yeah, this is what we use. You see, there is an arrangement with the distributor. We take this crappy soap off his hands, and, uh, he makes it worth our while. [holds up tickets]
Francis: The Alabama Opera?
Martin: There's plenty more where that came from.
Francis: No thanks.
Martin: Opera's not your thing. That's fine. This guy's got connections. Cords of firewood, tractor show, free burgers from Churchill's when you buy a burger of equal or greater value.
Francis: Don't you think Marlin Academy is hard enough without our own guys selling us out? I mean, look at these. You ever heard of fabric softener? These sheets are like sleeping on straw.
Martin: Hey, it was good enough for the baby Jesus.
Francis: Get out.

Lois: Where are my cooling racks? I know I put them in here. What a mess!
Hal: Honey, please. I'll go to the store, and I'll buy you new cooling racks.
Lois: No! I want to find these. And when I do, we are all going to clean out this disaster of a closet. It's going to be our new family project.
Hal: We never finished our last family project.
Lois: Because it's in here, under two tons of crap.

Caroline: Your dentist appointment, Lloyd?
Lloyd: My teeth feel fine today, Caroline. I like myself. [sobs] Oh, who am I kidding?

Caroline: Great news! We have been granted permission to perform the harvest dance at the all-school assembly today. And fruit will be handed out to the student body in case they want to join in. Okay, everyone get in their circles, and... [kids dance]
Malcolm: [bumps into Dabney] Sorry! Damn! Stupid! I can't do it! I'm stupid and I'm terrible! I suck at everything! And I'm fat!