Malcolm: What happened? Did you get caught? Where were you?
Reese: Geez. You're always so angry. Maybe you really do need therapy.
Malcolm: What I need is for you not to ruin everything for me. Do you know how much trouble we'll be in if we get caught? With Mom? With the school? With Mom?
Reese: Give me a little credit, psycho. I've been doing my own research. See, I rented Silence of the Lambs, Seven, and The Nutty Professor.
Malcolm: Oh, God. Reese, tell me exactly what you told her.
Reese: Nope. That's confidential. Now, which one do you like more? [holds up masks] Hannibal Lecter or the hockey mask? [When Lois taps on the boys' bedroom door, Ms. Gilbert is standing next to her]
Lois: Malcolm, Reese. What do you have to say for yourselves?
Reese: [deep voice] Don't blame Reese. Blame Davey. [Lois grabs Reese's finger] Ow! Ow, ow. Ow!

Reese: You missed a great assembly. I can't believe it. They actually gave us fruit to throw at the Krelboynes. What were they thinking?
Malcolm: Don't you ever get tired of making their lives miserable?
Reese: Nope. Besides, I want them to remember who's boss. When they're living in their mansions with their supermodel wives, they're going to know... the guy cleaning their pool kicked their ass.

Lois: Underpants! In a closet! Human underpants! I must not threaten you people enough!

Malcolm: What are you doing here?
Reese: I figured out your scam. It turns out crazy runs in the family.
Malcolm: Reese... you don't know what you're doing. You're going to ruin everything.
Reese: Relax. I've got it covered.
Ms. Gilbert: I'm ready to see you now, Reese.
Reese: [deep voice] Reese isn't here right now. This is Davey.

Lois: Did you get the eclairs?
Hal: I did, but they only had three left, and I had to cut in front of an old woman to get those. [sighs]
Lois: Well, I just won't have one.
Hal: No, no, no, no. I won't have one. You and Dewey can split one.
Lois: That's not fair to Dewey. Forget it. We'll just let the boys have them.
[When Lois and Hal hear the door, they cram the eclairs into their mouths. When they look back, the door was just blowing in the wind.]
Hal: [mouth full] False alarm.

Malcolm: [to camera] As near as I can figure, my school was created for the sole purpose of making me miserable. Today in Krelboyne class, we start Medieval Week.
Lois: Where's your jester costume?
Malcolm: In my backpack. I'll wear it at school.
Lois: Put it on. I didn't stay up all night making it for my health. [Malcolm puts jester hat on] Bells! Oh, I forgot the bells.
Reese: You look so adorable. You know what I love about Medieval Week? Is that you can spot the Krelboynes from super far away, and they jingle when you hit them.
Hal: Reese. Leave your brother alone. [sees Malcolm] Although you are asking for it.

Malcolm: [to camera] When I was six, I dove in a pool and my trunks came off. God, I wish I was there right now.

Malcolm: [to camera] Dabney has three dentist appointments every week. His teeth look fine to me.
Lloyd: He's not going to the dentist. He's going to the "dentist." It's a secret code for the school therapist.
Malcolm: How come you know that? You see the shrink, too?
Lloyd: Yes, I'm currently seeing Ms. Gilbert. My mother and stepfather suggested it as a preemptive strike against my anger displacement tendencies. But ultimately, therapy was my decision. Not theirs... mine. It was voluntary.
Malcolm: Okay.
Lloyd: Yes, I am! My fear of rejection is virtually gone, and my self-worth is at an all-time high.

Reese: Hey. I had six tomatoes with your name on them. Where were you?
Malcolm: None of your business.
Reese: Maybe it's Mom's business.
Malcolm: I ditched to go to the arcade. Don't tell Mom.
Reese: The arcade's closed.
Malcolm: Not the one at the mall.
Reese: Wait a minute... I can smell my own breath.

Caroline: Okay, everybody... tomorrow's looming demonstration has been canceled. Instead, we will be going to see a reenactment of the slaughter of French troops at Agincourt followed by a visit to the Museum of Torture... and then pizza.
Malcolm: Museum of Torture? That's awesome. [raises hand] Do they have a gift shop?
Caroline: I'm sorry, Malcolm. You can't go. You've a dentist appointment.
Dabney: You're lucky you're not going. My brother went last year, and there was so much fake blood that he fainted.
Malcolm: [to camera] I think it's time I had a major breakthrough in therapy.