Ms. Gilbert: Okay, you just get comfortable. We'll talk when you're ready.
Malcolm: Thank you, Ms. Gilbert. [to camera] Okay, so I faked it. But with the family I have, it would've only been a matter of time anyway.

Ms. Gilbert: We should probably talk a little now.
Malcolm: Do we have to?
Ms. Gilbert: Well, that's sort of why you're here.
Malcolm: [shouts at video game] That sucked! Where'd that flamethrower come from?

Drew: I can't believe it! This collar's so crisp, yet it doesn't chafe. And these sheets... it's like sleeping on a cloud.
Francis: My pleasure, guys.
Joe: Dude... thank you. I've been hoping for months that my rash was from the laundry. Turns out it was. Thanks.
Francis: Glad I could help.
Joe: Here, this is for you.
Francis: No, Joe, you don't have to.
Joe: I insist.
Francis: Wow. Well, that was nice of you.
Eric: Hey, would you mind tossing in some of my civilian stuff with the academy rags?
Francis: Oh, I'd love to, but I'm really swamped down here. Well, yeah, whatever. Guess I could find some time for your stuff.
Eric: Hey... [slides money to Francis] Thanks, man.
Francis: No, no, no, you don't have to...
Eric: You're the best.

Lois: Garbage! In a closet! Coffee grounds? Hal!
Hal: Lois, you've got to see this. The boy's a prodigy. Go. Yes.
Lois: Who are the Petersons? Why do we have their photo albums?
Hal: Here we go. Now. Amazing!
Lois: Hi, Malcolm. How was school?
Malcolm: It was normal. Yeah, I'd say normal. Very medieval. Is that a truck tire?
Lois: What?! Oh, my G... Hal!

Lloyd: Um, Malcolm... I wanted you to know how proud I am of you. Admitting you needed help is the hardest step.
Malcolm: No, keeping up with all the new cognitive and behavioral therapies is the hardest step, Lloyd.
Lloyd: My self-worth is still skyrocketing.

Hal: That's ten in a row. Oh, Lois, he's got the gift. Since the end of the big war, there's only been one documented triple consecutive flopper in English Alley Skittles. You know what this means? I finally have something to rub in the face of that blowhard Higgins and his little tennis champion.
Lois: What are you talking about?
Hal: Oh, he's constantly harping about his kid winning this tournament, winning that tournament. Going to the White House. I'm taking Dewey over there to shut that guy up once and for all. Hey, you ready to shut that guy up once and for all, son?
Dewey: What guy?
Hal: He's ready.
Lois: Hal, you're just doing this to get out of cleaning out that closet.
Hal: Not entirely. Let's go, son.

Eric: I'm sorry it's last minute, but I need these tonight. I got another date with Rebecca.
Francis: Okay... 7 items... 30 bucks.
Eric: I don't have that kind of money. Last time it cost 10. You can cut me some slack, can't you?
Francis: I'd love to do you a solid, Eric, but I'm booked, and it would be unethical to play favorites.
Eric: You can't do this to me. I need to wear my bowling shirt. Rebecca loves my bowling shirt. Francis, I don't have the money.
Francis: Well, then, you don't have the clothes. Got to pay to be a player.
Eric: Look at yourself. I remember the Francis who cared about his job. A cap and a half of fabric softener, Francis. Remember that? A cap and a half!
Francis: If you'll excuse me, I have some ironing to do.

Ms. Gilbert: There are some things that Malcolm told me that I think you should hear.
Lois: Oh, well, I'd love to hear them.
Ms. Gilbert: Go ahead, Malcolm.
Lois: Yeah, go ahead.
Ms. Gilbert: Everybody wants to help. You're safe here. About the anger thing?
Lois: Yeah. Tell me about the anger thing.
Malcolm: When you're angry, you bottle up your feelings and you freeze me out with silence.
Lois: Well, I will, uh... I'll try to be more vocal.
Ms. Gilbert: Go on.
Lois: Please.
Malcolm: I wish you would spend more time at home and less time at the... the racetrack.
Lois: Well, I guess I'm going to have to change that, too.

Ms. Gilbert: Come on, Malcolm. Tell her about the pressure.
Malcolm: Well... I feel you put a lot of pressure on me, and I can't live up to your expectations.
Lois: What pressure?
Malcolm: Maybe not. I don't know.
Lois: No, no, no. Go back. What were you saying?
Malcolm: Well, you put a lot of pressure on me, and stuff.
Lois: What do you mean? When do I pressure you?
Malcolm: All the time! If it's not the extra-credit reports, it's all the advanced classes you sign me up for, and after that, I have to help Reese and Dewey with their homework.
Lois: That's not pressure.
Malcolm: You know, I didn't ask to be born smart.
Lois: We just want you to live up to your potential.
Malcolm: That. That's exactly what I'm talking about.

Hal: It's okay, Dewey. Even the best of them have off-days.
Dewey: Uh-huh.
Hal: 16 misses in a row. Some people might think you did it on purpose.
Dewey: Huh.
Hal: Hey... There something you want to tell me, son?
Dewey: I don't want to do this anymore. It's boring.
Hal: You'd be giving up what might very well be your one true talent. You could be another Chap Sanders, hmm? Son, are you willing to turn your back on your destiny?
Dewey: Yep. Can I go now?
Hal: All right, if that's what you want. Wait. Can you throw it for me one more time? Hmm? One last flopper for your old dad?
Dewey: No.
Hal: All right, then.