Craig: Don't you worry, Lois. Everything is going to be fine. [rapidly pressing panic button] Just fine and dandy. Yeah, keep waving that thing around, buddy-boy. You got a big surprise coming.
Lois: Craig, that button has been disconnected for over a year.
Craig: What?! Why?
Lois: Because you kept hitting the damn thing.
Craig: In an emergency, yes. That's what it's for.
Lois: Oh, like an emergency when you saw a bee? Or when you saw that big fly that looked like a bee? How about when you thought you saw a ghost?
Craig: I'm not saying it was or it wasn't, but you can't tell me what we saw was normal.

Craig: Lois, I love you with all my heart. You're my reason to get up in the morning. You are my everything.
Lois: Craig...
Craig: Lois, I don't want to feel this way. I know you're married, I know you have four beautiful boys. It's my heart. I wish I didn't have a heart... but I do, and I can't help loving you. I can't help loving you with my stupid, stupid heart.
Lois: Oh, Craig... why'd you have to say that? Dear sweet Craig. I am truly sorry. I'm sorry for the way you feel. I'm sorry for any indication I ever gave you that I consider you anything more than a friend. And I am so sorry for what I have to do now... because now... I have to crush whatever it is in you that made you do what you just did. I am going to have to hurt you very, very badly, but believe me, Craig, it's for your own good. Number one... no to everything you just said. No to what you're thinking. No to everything you dream. No to your what-ifs. No to every single fantasy, wish, dream, and elaborate scenario that involves the two of us. No, no, no! Number two... [pinches Craig's wrist]
Craig: Ow!
Lois: Remember that pain. And whenever a thought creeps into your head wondering if there's anything more to the hello I gave you in the morning, you remember that pain. You have no future with me. You have nothing with me. I'm sorry.

Hal: [on the phone] How much? Boy. Well, can you guarantee that you'll get all of them? What? That's per bat?! Are you insane?! God! [hangs up] Well, boys, looks like we're on our own.
Reese: What are you talking about? Isn't anyone coming?
Dewey: I'm scared.
Hal: Aw... I know, son. Now, just think of them this way. They're only rats with wings. And radar. Just flying rats with radar. Say it with me. Just...
All: Flying rats with radar.
Hal: Once again.
All: Flying rats with... [all scream]

Lois: Listen, Craig, I think these guys really mean business. Now, you know and I know there is less than $700 in that safe. Do you really think the lives of seven employees is worth less than $700?
Craig: Lois, this isn't just about the money. Sometimes a man has to have his dignity. So what if they kill me?
Lois: But before they kill you, they're going to try to get that combination from you any way they can. Can you picture yourself with shattered eye sockets? Because that's where they're going to start. They can break every one of your fingers and toes. They can even cut a couple of them off. Did... did you see the buck knife in the big guy's boot? Do you really want to antagonize that big buck knife, Craig? Do you really want to feel it slicing into your flesh? [Craig passes out again] Craig, stay with me. Stay... Damn.

Lois: Okay, it's important that everybody just say calm.
Craig: And don't make any sudden moves, or they'll kill you. And don't look them in the eye, or they'll kill you. And don't beg them not to kill you, or they'll kill you.
Lois: I need you to stop talking.
Robber #2: You! Assistant manager! Come here!
Craig: This is it. [chuckles] I didn't feed my cat. Isn't it funny the things that go through your mind before you die?
Lois: Craig, they just want to talk to you.
Craig: Lois, before we're all killed in a bloody mess, I have to tell you...
Lois: Shh! Let's not think those negative thoughts. Let's just give them the money and get them out of here.

Craig: Did you enjoy your Lucky Aide shopping experience, gentlemen?
Lois: Craig, uh, they're in a hurry.
Craig: This won't take a second. I am Craig, the assistant manager. I can assure you, if there's one thing we value here at Luck Aide, it is customer satisfaction.
Robber #2: We're satisfied.
Craig: [chuckles] Well, you don't sound like it. Please, don't feel like you're going to hurt my feelings, because I'm learning here. Now, I'm sure there's something I could do to make this a better experience for you.
Robber #1: Yeah. How about you walk me to every other register in this place and give me every cent you've got?
Craig: That's a gun!
Lois: Craig, calm down. Everybody, calm down. I've been through this five times. We just give them the money from all the other registers, and they'll leave.
Craig: What about the safe?
Robber #1: Safe?
Craig: ...ty. Safe-ty of the customers.

Hal: Okay, Dewey, there's one bat left, and it's in your mother's room. Now, this one is the tricky bat, the one who has eluded all the other traps. What was it you named him?
Dewey: Tricky.
Hal: Right. Well, now we have a very good trap, but someone has to lure Tricky into it, and that someone is you.
Dewey: Why me?
Hal: Because... you have the shortest hair. You see, if he lands on your head, he'll just bite once and fly away, but if he lands on your brother's or my head, he'll get caught in our hair and bite us and bite us until we are dead. Do you understand that?
Dewey: Yes.
Hal: Good. Now... I want you to go in that room and poke him with this stick until that bat chases you. Good luck.

Craig: Notice anything different about me?
Lois: Nope.
Craig: [points to name tag] Just got her in today. "Craig Feldspar. Assistant Manager."
Lois: Congratulations. That's great.
Craig: And along with the red badge, as you know, comes an extra two-percent discount, which I'm more than willing to share with you, Lois.
Lois: Oh, no, Craig, that's your discount.
Craig: Really, it's no...
Lois: I wouldn't feel right about jeopardizing your position by taking advantage of that. I just... I wouldn't feel right about it.
Craig: But what good is all that power if I have no one to share it with? Theresa, would you mind checking out aisle four? Seemed to have noticed someone knocked over the candy rack. And could you put the coffee-toppings on a lower shelf?
Theresa: Okay. [walks off]
Craig: Did you see that? Did you see that resentment? Isn't it wonderful? Look at me, I'm shaking.

Malcolm: [to camera] This is my favorite part of the day. The twilight time between school ending and when your parents come home. The time when kids rule the Earth.
[Reese is sawing through his text book. Dewey squirts whipped cream into his mouth. Oven timer dings.]
Malcolm: Okay, what was this? [holds up melted plastic]
Reese: Uh... Superman.

Hal: Whoo! Your mother's going to flip when she sees this. Ha-ha! [opens dresser] Well, that's just crazy. Why would someone fill this with hundreds of hanging black bow ties?
Malcolm: Those aren't bow ties. Those are bats. [all scream]