Malcolm: Remember when I was in fifth grade and I set the couch on fire? How'd you know it was me? I planted all that evidence, I had Stevie as an alibi. Even Dad thought it was Reese.
Lois: Honestly? I had no idea. You were the first person I saw when I started yelling, and you just crumbled.
Malcolm: You were bluffing, but you seemed so sure.
Lois: Of course, I seemed sure. With you boys, if I showed the slightest weakness or hesitation, the whole thing falls apart. Half the time, I'm just going on blind instinct.
Malcolm: After all these years, five kids, keeping up that act. That's gotta be exhausting.
Lois: Tell me about it. Plenty of days I come home tired from work. The last thing I wanna do is be Lois.
Malcolm: I guess I do the same thing. Sometimes when I come home from school, I don't feel like arguing with you. But it's like that's my job.
Lois: It's funny, isn't it?
Malcolm: I bet half the time if we knew what the other one was really thinking, we'd just burst out laughing.
Lois: We probably would.

Hal: Okay, Jamie. Here we go. None of Mommy's monster germs are in here. But don't get too comfortable in the big boys' room. It's only temporary.
Dewey: He's never leaving, is he?
Hal: What? No. This is just until it's safe to go back into our room.
Reese: You said the same thing when Dewey moved in. Are you gonna take him back now that your ringworm's better?
Hal: I told you we are still on yellow alert with that!

Hal: [as Rodney Dangerfield] Oh, I'll tell ya. I get no respect. No respect at all. [laughter]
Barry: This is the guy from the luau I was telling you about. He's hysterical.
Hal: [as Jay Leno] Ever notice that stop sign on Maple? Evidently, Mary Keller thinks it's a slow-down-and-check-for-cops sign. [laughter]
Carol: That Hal is so great. Too bad he's stuck with that woman.
Hal: [as Arnold Schwarzenegger] That is right, Jay. She never stops there. I will terminate her.
Steve: You know who'd be perfect for him? Ellie. She's just coming out of that bad divorce.
Carol: Stop. That is terrible.
Hal: Hey, ask me for a burger with cheese.
Barry: I'll have a burger with cheese.
Hal: [as Jack Nicholson] You can't handle the cheese.

Lois: Malcolm, quit hogging the covers. You're just like your father in bed.

[After Jamie gets a soda from the refrigerator and hands it to Reese, Reese takes a sip]
Reese: Wow. I just realized I totally lost sight of what's really important.
Dewey: There you go.
Reese: It's not that I like having a slave getting me things. It's that I like to have a slave so I can watch him suffer while he gets me things.
Dewey: What?
Reese: The fact that I had to ask for this makes it taste like bile. Thank you for helping me figure that out. [punches Dewey]
Dewey: What was that for?
Reese: Sorry, man. I had to get the taste out of my mouth.

Lois: [weakly] I have never been so angry. If you boys are gonna act like dogs, I'm gonna treat you like dogs.
Malcolm: [to camera] This is so awesome. Mom and Dad just got back from the doctor's, and it turns out she has mono. She's been ordered to stay in bed for two weeks. After all those years of stepping on cracks, it finally paid off. I mean, it's no broken back, but I'll take it.

Reese: I can't wait until everybody at school finds out you got the kissing disease from Mom. Which will happen right about now.
Malcolm: I didn't kiss her. You saw it.
Reese: What I saw was you and Mom making out on the couch. Dewey?
Dewey: It was disgusting.
Malcolm: She licked her finger and touched my face.
Reese: Spare us the perv details.

[As Reese and Dewey sit on the couch watching TV, Jamie brings Dewey a bowl of popcorn and a can of soda]
Dewey: Good job, Jamie.
Reese: What the hell was that?
Dewey: He's my slave.
Reese: You don't get to have a slave. You're my slave.
Dewey: Slaves can have slaves. This is America.
[Dewey hands the can back to Jamie, who places it on a sheet of paper on the coffee table]
Reese: Okay, I'll tell you what. I'll give you your freedom if you give me Jamie.
Dewey: Really?
Reese: Your attitude's been pretty lousy lately. I know you've been spitting in my sandwiches. I mean, I still eat them, but now the trust is gone.

[Lois is changing the channel as she and Malcolm lay in bed:]
Malcolm: No. No. No. No. God, no. No. No.
Lois: We're staying.
Malcolm: You said we both have to agree on something or we won't watch it.
Lois: When you own your own house, you can make a rule and break it.
Malcolm: That's not fair.
[As Malcolm tries to wrestle the remote away from Lois, it falls to the floor]
Man: [on TV] Look at this boring leather jacket. Now look at the same leather jacket covered in brilliant scratch-resistant rhinestones.
Lois: Oh, God. Get the remote.
Malcolm: It's on your side.
Lois: Fine, you want to watch the shopping channel all night, that's what we'll watch.
Man: [on TV] Before now, this many rhinestones would have taken hours, even days to apply. But now there's the Pizzazzler! It'll change your life.
Malcolm: See? That's what we need.
Lois: Amen, we've been screwing around with medicine and bed rest when all we needed were some shiny beads.
Man: [on TV] Quick, easy, fun and so simple to use. Do you think we could pizzazzle this thick wool peacoat?
Malcolm: I don't think they can.
Lois: Impossible.
Man: [on TV] Pizzazz-yes!
Malcolm: Wow, I didn't see that coming.
Man: Works on denim, satin, leather, pleather...
Lois: Look at that oven mitt.
Malcolm: Oh, come on, it's got nothing on that wallet.

Carol: Ellie, this is Hal.
Hal: Hi.
Ellie: Hi. So, Carol tells me you're here on your own?
Hal: Yeah, yeah. My wife kicked me out.
Ellie: Oh, that's terrible. So, are are you out of the house?
Hal: No, no, no. I'm sleeping on the couch. But we're being smart about it. I mean, no contact at all. I think it's for the best, given our situation.
Ellie: Believe me, I know. Well, would you like to join me in a drink?
Hal: [as Peter Tork] My, oh, my. Do you think we'll both fit?