Malcolm Quote #724
[Lois is changing the channel as she and Malcolm lay in bed:]
Malcolm: No. No. No. No. God, no. No. No.
Lois: We're staying.
Malcolm: You said we both have to agree on something or we won't watch it.
Lois: When you own your own house, you can make a rule and break it.
Malcolm: That's not fair.
[As Malcolm tries to wrestle the remote away from Lois, it falls to the floor]
Man: [on TV] Look at this boring leather jacket. Now look at the same leather jacket covered in brilliant scratch-resistant rhinestones.
Lois: Oh, God. Get the remote.
Malcolm: It's on your side.
Lois: Fine, you want to watch the shopping channel all night, that's what we'll watch.
Man: [on TV] Before now, this many rhinestones would have taken hours, even days to apply. But now there's the Pizzazzler! It'll change your life.
Malcolm: See? That's what we need.
Lois: Amen, we've been screwing around with medicine and bed rest when all we needed were some shiny beads.
Man: [on TV] Quick, easy, fun and so simple to use. Do you think we could pizzazzle this thick wool peacoat?
Malcolm: I don't think they can.
Lois: Impossible.
Man: [on TV] Pizzazz-yes!
Malcolm: Wow, I didn't see that coming.
Man: Works on denim, satin, leather, pleather...
Lois: Look at that oven mitt.
Malcolm: Oh, come on, it's got nothing on that wallet.
Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
‘Mono’ Quotes
Quote from Lois
Malcolm: Remember when I was in fifth grade and I set the couch on fire? How'd you know it was me? I planted all that evidence, I had Stevie as an alibi. Even Dad thought it was Reese.
Lois: Honestly? I had no idea. You were the first person I saw when I started yelling, and you just crumbled.
Malcolm: You were bluffing, but you seemed so sure.
Lois: Of course, I seemed sure. With you boys, if I showed the slightest weakness or hesitation, the whole thing falls apart. Half the time, I'm just going on blind instinct.
Malcolm: After all these years, five kids, keeping up that act. That's gotta be exhausting.
Lois: Tell me about it. Plenty of days I come home tired from work. The last thing I wanna do is be Lois.
Malcolm: I guess I do the same thing. Sometimes when I come home from school, I don't feel like arguing with you. But it's like that's my job.
Lois: It's funny, isn't it?
Malcolm: I bet half the time if we knew what the other one was really thinking, we'd just burst out laughing.
Lois: We probably would.
Quote from Hal
Hal: [as Rodney Dangerfield] Oh, I'll tell ya. I get no respect. No respect at all. [laughter]
Barry: This is the guy from the luau I was telling you about. He's hysterical.
Hal: [as Jay Leno] Ever notice that stop sign on Maple? Evidently, Mary Keller thinks it's a slow-down-and-check-for-cops sign. [laughter]
Carol: That Hal is so great. Too bad he's stuck with that woman.
Hal: [as Arnold Schwarzenegger] That is right, Jay. She never stops there. I will terminate her.
Steve: You know who'd be perfect for him? Ellie. She's just coming out of that bad divorce.
Carol: Stop. That is terrible.
Hal: Hey, ask me for a burger with cheese.
Barry: I'll have a burger with cheese.
Hal: [as Jack Nicholson] You can't handle the cheese.
Quote from Hal
Hal: Okay, Jamie. Here we go. None of Mommy's monster germs are in here. But don't get too comfortable in the big boys' room. It's only temporary.
Dewey: He's never leaving, is he?
Hal: What? No. This is just until it's safe to go back into our room.
Reese: You said the same thing when Dewey moved in. Are you gonna take him back now that your ringworm's better?
Hal: I told you we are still on yellow alert with that!