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Malcolm in the Middle: Hal Grieves

714. Hal Grieves

Aired February 19, 2006

Hal doesn't seem able to grieve after his father dies, so instead he goes to great lengths to ensure his boys will miss him when he's gone. Meanwhile, Abe Kenarban tries to help Hal get through this with a call from a Star Trek actor.

Quote from Hal

Hal: [on the phone] No, no, no, don't hang up. We've almost made our decision.
Reese: I get three meat toppings for the price of one!
Dewey: No, no! Buy two pizzas, get one free!
Reese: That's two free cheese pizzas! I'd rather eat vomit!
Malcolm: [to camera] The prospect of a deal sends this family into a frenzy. When you throw in pizza, they need me to keep from totally losing perspective. [out loud] Shut up, everyone! Just shut up! If we're not having deep-dish, then I swear I will tear up these "free cheesy bread" coupons right now!
Reese: Damn your cheesy bread! I need toppings!
Dewey: Why don't we just get the stuffed crust special?
Hal: And lose my free bucket of soda? Are you insane?! [on the phone] Now, listen, Dennis, I'm a reasonable man, but I can't go back to my family with a lot of lawyer talk about coupon expiration dates. So why don't we just reduce the two three-fers to two-fers? Five toppings on each, and we'll just grandfather in the wacky wings, okay? No, no, hold on, hold on. This call-waiting guy will not take a hint! [switches line] Hello. I can't talk right now. I- Yes. What?
Malcolm: Dad, come on, you're gonna lose those wings! [Hal hangs up] What?
Hal: My father died.

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Quote from Abe

Abe: Sounds like he needs to talk to someone.
Lois: Abe, thank you! I know he respects you.
Abe: Not me. I don't want to see him cry. He needs to talk to a professional.
Lois: A therapist?
Abe: No, a professional actor. I suggest William Shatner, TV's Captain Kirk.
Lois: What?
Abe: That's who I turn to in a time of need. Lois, there's this wonderful service where they hook up ordinary people with celebrities. You pay a fee, and you get a phone call from your choice of participating TV or movie stars. Well, mostly TV stars.
Lois: And you think this is something Hal would want?
Abe: Absolutely! He's a huge fan of classic Trek. It's not something you share with your wife. Lois, believe me, I don't think I would've gotten through my social anxiety disorder without a few late-night discussions with Agent Mulder. It turns out the truth was right in here.

Quote from Hal

Hal: Wake up, boys! You don't want breakfast to melt!
Dewey: Ice cream?
Hal: Well, last time I checked, you can't have a sundae bar without it. [chuckles] Wake up, Malcolm. [feeds Malcolm]
Malcolm: [splutters] Dad, it's 5:00 in the morning.
Hal: Well, I couldn't sleep until my sons are as happy as I can make them. Today's special, every scoop comes with a hug! And it doesn't stop here. We've got a full day of pick-up basketball in the park, a barbecue, more ice cream, then I thought we'd take a nap underneath a tree, and then catch fireflies.
Dewey: What about school?
Hal: I've got that covered. "Please excuse my son. He has the..." [hands sick notes to Malcolm, Reese and Dewey] flu / explosive diarrhea / a rare bone disease. We may have to get you a cane.
Dewey: Cool!
Malcolm: Does Mom know?
Hal: Please, will you let me worry about your mom, okay? Seriously, though, don't tell her. Now, who wants a ride on top of the car?

Quote from Abe

Lois: Abe, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I'm not sure-
Abe: Lois, do you know what it cost me to get Leonard Nimoy's private number? Ferengi noses don't grow on trees.
Lois: Let's just-
Abe: It's ringing!
Man: [on phone] Hello?
Abe: Mr. Nimoy?
Man: This is he.
Abe: We apologize for disturbing an important man like yourself. But my friend's father just died, and he could use some sage advice from a learned actor-director-poet-photographer-vocalist. I'm sorry, but in Star Trek II : The Wrath of Khan, was Ricardo Montalban the gentlemen he seems to be? Because a little birdy told me-
Lois: Abe!
Man: I'd be happy to help your friend. It's very sad when a man loses his father. I've been through loss myself.
Lois: Oh, that's very kind of you, Mr. Nimoy. I'm his wife.
Man: So will this be charged to your credit card?
Lois: What?
Man: Well, that's eight dollars a minute for the Nimoy, and for another five, I'll leave an outgoing message on your answering machine as... [imitates Bob Hope] Mr. Bob Hope! How about that Brooke Shields? She's got legs that go all the way down to the ground that I've got to tell you...
Abe: Nimoy's Bob Hope is great. Is there nothing the man can't do?

Quote from Abe

Abe: I've got something for Hal that I think may do the trick.
Lois: [sighs] Abe, I thought we were done with this.
Abe: I thought we were, too, Lois, until 3:00 this morning, when I found myself in a collectibles auction site and saw this baby. [Lois is silent as Abe opens the case] Yes, it's a Vulcan lyre with ten pre-programmed Christmas carols. [Christmas music plays]
Lois: Abe, I'm sorry. I know you're trying to help, but this is not what Hal needs. [music stops]
Abe: You're right. I guess I got carried away and lost sight of what got us started in the first place: to hook Hal up with a member of the original cast of Star Trek.
Lois: That's not what got this started. Abe, Hal's father died.
Abe: And I will not let him die in vain. I will call Sulu. I will call Chekhov. And if they say no, so help me, I will call the Gorn.
Lois: Abe, stop. Just stop. I appreciate your trying to help, but I don't need any of this. I'm going to take Hal to a bed and breakfast for a nice weekend, and that's it. He just needs some emotional comfort.
Abe: So you think a weekend of nurturing and sex is going to get him through this? Do you even know this man?!

Quote from Abe

Abe: Apparently, Shatner's not available. He's being knighted.
Lois: Well, thanks for trying, Abe.
Abe: Oh, it's not over yet. I am not going to rest until a classic TV star puts Hal's spirit at ease.

Quote from Hal

Car Salesman: There it is, every option we offer, including some I didn't even know about. Floor mats have undercoating. Comes with a 14-year warranty. We don't sell many of those. All it needs is your signature. [Hal stares off into the distance as he takes the pen] What?
Hal: My dad had the same pen.
Car Salesman: He must've been a great guy. This is a great pen.
Malcolm: We don't really need to get into that right now.
Hal: See, I just lost my dad.
Car Salesman: I'm sorry. Bet he would've loved to see his grandson driving that sports pack. [chuckles]
Hal: I don't know if he would have. He was pretty emotionally distant. He had a lot of trouble showing love.
Car Salesman: Yeah. Old-timers, eh?
Hal: But I didn't care. I didn't care if he had trouble. I loved him. He was my dad.
Car Salesman: You know, I see that you're in a lot of pain right now, and I'm going to need some grief counseling, too, if I let you take me up on this offer I'm giving you. [chuckles]
Hal: I remember coming downstairs in the morning, and he would be at the table and he would say, "Hey, buddy, I'm doing four things at once: I'm watching TV. I'm reading the newspaper. I'm drinking coffee, and I'm talking to you." [chuckles] Isn't that amazing?
Car Salesman: You know, I got a guy whose wife died who's looking at this car, so...
Hal: He didn't have to do anything for me. He was my dad.
Malcolm: Dad. You don't have to do anything for me, either. But if you want to... that'd be great.
[As Malcolm grabs Hal's hand and maneuvers the pen towards the contract, Lois grabs Hal's hand too]
Hal: [sobs] I lost my dad.
Lois: I know. [mouths to Malcolm] You're a dead man.

Quote from Reese

Malcolm: [to camera] It was weird going to Grandpa's funeral. We hardly even knew we had a grandpa, and now we don't. Reese is taking it really hard.
Reese: [sobs] Why?! Why?! Why couldn't he die before he lost all his money?

Quote from Hal

Lois: You okay?
Hal: Yeah, I'm fine.
Lois: Are you sure? It seems a little weird that the second you come home from your father's funeral, you turn on Sports Bloopers. [turns off TV]
Hal: Hey.
Lois: Hal, it is not healthy to keep all this bottled up.
Hal: I agree. I just don't have anything to unbottle. I mean, I thought I'd cry when I saw him in the box. I thought I'd cry when they closed it. I thought I'd cry when they put it in the ground and I threw dirt on him, but... nothing. Actually, I did get a little misty listening to the funeral we passed on the way out. Do you know that man was the shoeshine guy on the same corner for 40 years?
Lois: Hal, you don't have to be brave.
Hal: I'm not. You know me. I cried at that movie about the boxing wallaby.
Lois: I remember.
Hal: I think I'm not feeling anything because I never really had a relationship with him. I mean, I suppose he knew my name, but he'd always just call me "buddy."
Lois: Oh, Hal.
Hal: So, now a relationship that was totally meaningless and trivial is over. It's hard to get too upset.

Quote from Abe

Abe: Hey, Lois. I'm returning the Newsweek you lent me on Y2K.
Lois: It's okay, Abe. Hal's asleep.
Abe: Good. How's he doing?
Lois: Well, he seems to be doing fine, but he can't be. His father just died. He got more upset when his transmission gave out.
Abe: Well, he did just have it rebuilt.

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