Hal: [on the phone] No, no, no, don't hang up. We've almost made our decision.
Reese: I get three meat toppings for the price of one!
Dewey: No, no! Buy two pizzas, get one free!
Reese: That's two free cheese pizzas! I'd rather eat vomit!
Malcolm: [to camera] The prospect of a deal sends this family into a frenzy. When you throw in pizza, they need me to keep from totally losing perspective. [out loud] Shut up, everyone! Just shut up! If we're not having deep-dish, then I swear I will tear up these "free cheesy bread" coupons right now!
Reese: Damn your cheesy bread! I need toppings!
Dewey: Why don't we just get the stuffed crust special?
Hal: And lose my free bucket of soda? Are you insane?! [on the phone] Now, listen, Dennis, I'm a reasonable man, but I can't go back to my family with a lot of lawyer talk about coupon expiration dates. So why don't we just reduce the two three-fers to two-fers? Five toppings on each, and we'll just grandfather in the wacky wings, okay? No, no, hold on, hold on. This call-waiting guy will not take a hint! [switches line] Hello. I can't talk right now. I- Yes. What?
Malcolm: Dad, come on, you're gonna lose those wings! [Hal hangs up] What?
Hal: My father died.

Abe: Sounds like he needs to talk to someone.
Lois: Abe, thank you! I know he respects you.
Abe: Not me. I don't want to see him cry. He needs to talk to a professional.
Lois: A therapist?
Abe: No, a professional actor. I suggest William Shatner, TV's Captain Kirk.
Lois: What?
Abe: That's who I turn to in a time of need. Lois, there's this wonderful service where they hook up ordinary people with celebrities. You pay a fee, and you get a phone call from your choice of participating TV or movie stars. Well, mostly TV stars.
Lois: And you think this is something Hal would want?
Abe: Absolutely! He's a huge fan of classic Trek. It's not something you share with your wife. Lois, believe me, I don't think I would've gotten through my social anxiety disorder without a few late-night discussions with Agent Mulder. It turns out the truth was right in here.

Hal: Wake up, boys! You don't want breakfast to melt!
Dewey: Ice cream?
Hal: Well, last time I checked, you can't have a sundae bar without it. [chuckles] Wake up, Malcolm. [feeds Malcolm]
Malcolm: [splutters] Dad, it's 5:00 in the morning.
Hal: Well, I couldn't sleep until my sons are as happy as I can make them. Today's special, every scoop comes with a hug! And it doesn't stop here. We've got a full day of pick-up basketball in the park, a barbecue, more ice cream, then I thought we'd take a nap underneath a tree, and then catch fireflies.
Dewey: What about school?
Hal: I've got that covered. "Please excuse my son. He has the..." [hands sick notes to Malcolm, Reese and Dewey] flu / explosive diarrhea / a rare bone disease. We may have to get you a cane.
Dewey: Cool!
Malcolm: Does Mom know?
Hal: Please, will you let me worry about your mom, okay? Seriously, though, don't tell her. Now, who wants a ride on top of the car?

Lois: Abe, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I'm not sure-
Abe: Lois, do you know what it cost me to get Leonard Nimoy's private number? Ferengi noses don't grow on trees.
Lois: Let's just-
Abe: It's ringing!
Man: [on phone] Hello?
Abe: Mr. Nimoy?
Man: This is he.
Abe: We apologize for disturbing an important man like yourself. But my friend's father just died, and he could use some sage advice from a learned actor-director-poet-photographer-vocalist. I'm sorry, but in Star Trek II : The Wrath of Khan, was Ricardo Montalban the gentlemen he seems to be? Because a little birdy told me-
Lois: Abe!
Man: I'd be happy to help your friend. It's very sad when a man loses his father. I've been through loss myself.
Lois: Oh, that's very kind of you, Mr. Nimoy. I'm his wife.
Man: So will this be charged to your credit card?
Lois: What?
Man: Well, that's eight dollars a minute for the Nimoy, and for another five, I'll leave an outgoing message on your answering machine as... [imitates Bob Hope] Mr. Bob Hope! How about that Brooke Shields? She's got legs that go all the way down to the ground that I've got to tell you...
Abe: Nimoy's Bob Hope is great. Is there nothing the man can't do?

Abe: I've got something for Hal that I think may do the trick.
Lois: [sighs] Abe, I thought we were done with this.
Abe: I thought we were, too, Lois, until 3:00 this morning, when I found myself in a collectibles auction site and saw this baby. [Lois is silent as Abe opens the case] Yes, it's a Vulcan lyre with ten pre-programmed Christmas carols. [Christmas music plays]
Lois: Abe, I'm sorry. I know you're trying to help, but this is not what Hal needs. [music stops]
Abe: You're right. I guess I got carried away and lost sight of what got us started in the first place: to hook Hal up with a member of the original cast of Star Trek.
Lois: That's not what got this started. Abe, Hal's father died.
Abe: And I will not let him die in vain. I will call Sulu. I will call Chekhov. And if they say no, so help me, I will call the Gorn.
Lois: Abe, stop. Just stop. I appreciate your trying to help, but I don't need any of this. I'm going to take Hal to a bed and breakfast for a nice weekend, and that's it. He just needs some emotional comfort.
Abe: So you think a weekend of nurturing and sex is going to get him through this? Do you even know this man?!

Abe: Apparently, Shatner's not available. He's being knighted.
Lois: Well, thanks for trying, Abe.
Abe: Oh, it's not over yet. I am not going to rest until a classic TV star puts Hal's spirit at ease.

Car Salesman: There it is, every option we offer, including some I didn't even know about. Floor mats have undercoating. Comes with a 14-year warranty. We don't sell many of those. All it needs is your signature. [Hal stares off into the distance as he takes the pen] What?
Hal: My dad had the same pen.
Car Salesman: He must've been a great guy. This is a great pen.
Malcolm: We don't really need to get into that right now.
Hal: See, I just lost my dad.
Car Salesman: I'm sorry. Bet he would've loved to see his grandson driving that sports pack. [chuckles]
Hal: I don't know if he would have. He was pretty emotionally distant. He had a lot of trouble showing love.
Car Salesman: Yeah. Old-timers, eh?
Hal: But I didn't care. I didn't care if he had trouble. I loved him. He was my dad.
Car Salesman: You know, I see that you're in a lot of pain right now, and I'm going to need some grief counseling, too, if I let you take me up on this offer I'm giving you. [chuckles]
Hal: I remember coming downstairs in the morning, and he would be at the table and he would say, "Hey, buddy, I'm doing four things at once: I'm watching TV. I'm reading the newspaper. I'm drinking coffee, and I'm talking to you." [chuckles] Isn't that amazing?
Car Salesman: You know, I got a guy whose wife died who's looking at this car, so...
Hal: He didn't have to do anything for me. He was my dad.
Malcolm: Dad. You don't have to do anything for me, either. But if you want to... that'd be great.
[As Malcolm grabs Hal's hand and maneuvers the pen towards the contract, Lois grabs Hal's hand too]
Hal: [sobs] I lost my dad.
Lois: I know. [mouths to Malcolm] You're a dead man.

Malcolm: [to camera] It was weird going to Grandpa's funeral. We hardly even knew we had a grandpa, and now we don't. Reese is taking it really hard.
Reese: [sobs] Why?! Why?! Why couldn't he die before he lost all his money?

Lois: You okay?
Hal: Yeah, I'm fine.
Lois: Are you sure? It seems a little weird that the second you come home from your father's funeral, you turn on Sports Bloopers. [turns off TV]
Hal: Hey.
Lois: Hal, it is not healthy to keep all this bottled up.
Hal: I agree. I just don't have anything to unbottle. I mean, I thought I'd cry when I saw him in the box. I thought I'd cry when they closed it. I thought I'd cry when they put it in the ground and I threw dirt on him, but... nothing. Actually, I did get a little misty listening to the funeral we passed on the way out. Do you know that man was the shoeshine guy on the same corner for 40 years?
Lois: Hal, you don't have to be brave.
Hal: I'm not. You know me. I cried at that movie about the boxing wallaby.
Lois: I remember.
Hal: I think I'm not feeling anything because I never really had a relationship with him. I mean, I suppose he knew my name, but he'd always just call me "buddy."
Lois: Oh, Hal.
Hal: So, now a relationship that was totally meaningless and trivial is over. It's hard to get too upset.

Abe: Hey, Lois. I'm returning the Newsweek you lent me on Y2K.
Lois: It's okay, Abe. Hal's asleep.
Abe: Good. How's he doing?
Lois: Well, he seems to be doing fine, but he can't be. His father just died. He got more upset when his transmission gave out.
Abe: Well, he did just have it rebuilt.