Reese: Aha! I see how you're doing it. You have a tack in your hand.
Dewey: Nope. That was just a pat on the head.
Reese: So you're pushing the soft spot?
Dewey: No, Reese. I'm just being nice.
Reese: So he doesn't know when the hit's gonna come.
Dewey: Reese, there's no trick. I'm just showing him respect.
Reese: You're not making any sense.
Dewey: Don't overthink it.
Reese: Oh, I got it. No, wait. I don't.
Dewey: He's my little brother. I'm just treating him the way I want to be treated.
Reese: Show me the hand thing again.

Malcolm: I can do your nails again.
Lois: I don't know what you could possibly do to improve them.
Malcolm: Well, we have to do something.
Lois: Truth or Dare.
Malcolm: Truth.
Lois: What's the worse thing you've ever done?
Malcolm: Total immunity?
Lois: Pinky swear.
Malcolm: All right, well, I'm not sure if this counts, but when the Harrises were on vacation I drove their car for a week.
Lois: Malcolm!
Malcolm: It's not as bad as it sounds. They left their window unlocked. And a lot of people leave a spare car key in the kitchen drawer. Except the Goldmans. They left theirs in a fake soup can in the cabinet.

Dewey: Okay, now say something nice to him. [Reese is silent] Like how you feel about him, but only good stuff.
Reese: I don't know. He's not that bad.
Dewey: Good. Now tell him that.
Reese: You're not horrible like the rest of those buttmunches.
Dewey: There you go. Now pat him on the shoulder. It's like a slap, but slower.

Steve: Well, what a shame. But you know sometimes people just cling to these relationships that don't make sense to anybody else, right, Hal? [chuckles]
Hal: What?
Steve: Nothing.
Hal: No, you clearly said something. What are you- What are you driving at?
Steve: Well, it's just that, you know, you're so fun and Lois is so... Mojitos?
Hal: No, no, mojitos. You were saying something about my wife, so let's just... hear it.
Steve: Well, um, this is nothing against you, Hal, it's just that your wife is kind of a pill.
Hal: What? Well, maybe that's your opinion, buddy, but that's not the opinion of everyone else here, is it? [others look away] So that's how it is, huh? Well, let me tell you something. I think all of you people are just jealous! My wife happens to be the most wonderful, amazing, beautiful woman in the world, and I don't care to eat with anyone who thinks otherwise. [serves himself a plate of food and then storms off]

Lois: Oh, don't worry Hal, I'll take down the rhinestones.
Hal: No, leave them. Last night was like making love inside of a star.
Lois: You know, Hal, now that I'm feeling better you can take me to one of those great parties.
Hal: Oh, I don't think so, honey. I never really fit in with those people.
Lois: Well, if they don't appreciate you, I don't want anything to do with them. [they kiss]

Hal: Honey, come on. You'll have plenty of time to yell at the boys once you beat this thing, but right now you've got billions of germs inside of you that you need to focus your hatred on. Besides, you're highly contagious.
Lois: Okay. Okay. Wait, what's on your face? [licks finger and wipes Malcolm's mouth]

Hal: Ready, Malcolm?
Malcolm: Yeah. God, I hate sleeping on the couch.
Hal: Oh, wait. No, no, no. We can't have you out there in the general population.
Malcolm: Well, then, where am I gonna sleep?
Hal: [points to Lois in bed] Right this way. Come on.
Malcolm: Oh, God. [to camera] Okay, I can get through this. I'll read books. I'll sleep a lot.
Lois: I'll apologize in advance. I have gas to beat the band.

[Malcolm turns the page of a comic book as he and Lois lay in bed]
Lois: Wait.
Malcolm: Don't you have something you can read over there?
Lois: I'm too tired to turn the page.

Hal: [to an ant] Hey, there. Look at you carrying that big leaf. All right. You'll be a hero when you walk in with that. The queen's not gonna tell you to get out.

Hal: Wow, you guys really do this up right.
Brian: Well, they had to outdo a whole medieval feast at John and Stacy's and '70s Night at the Wongs.
Hal: Wait. So you guys do this all the time?
Steve: Hal.
Hal: I'm such a jerk. I never extend myself. I just get in my car. I go to work. I live in my own little world. I never think to knock on a neighbor's door and say, "Hey, let's have a luau." [murmurs of support] In fact, in fact, when Lois gets better, we'll do this at our house. [silence]
Steve: Yeah, we should really talk about that... at some point.
Hal: You're right. I'm being pushy. Friendships develop over time.