Hal: Dewey? You in here, son? What's wrong, son? You were supposed to be home hours ago.
Dewey: I can't do anything right.
Hal: Dewey. Where's Jellybean?
Dewey: I left the door open, and he ran away.
Hal: Oh, dear.
Dewey: Do we have to tell Mom?
Hal: Well, this is a very serious situation, son. Of course we're not going to tell your mother.

Hal: Hey, don't worry, we'll find Jellybean.
Dewey: But I've been looking for hours.
Hal: Well, that's your first lesson, Dewey. Sometimes it takes a lot of time and hard work to accomplish something.
Dewey: But what if Jellybean's hurt? It's dark outside.
Hal: Let me tell you a little something about cats, all right? They're nocturnal creatures, which means they prefer the night. Then again, so do coyotes and feral dogs and devil worshippers. My point is that Jellybean is fine. He'll come home when he's good and ready. We're just going to put a little bowl of food out, and he'll come back.
Dewey: Are you sure?
Hal: Trust me, tomorrow morning, everything is going to be fine.

Police Officer: No sign of forced entry. I just don't see how these guys got in.
Hal: It's a mystery.
Dewey: You left the window open.
Hal: Mystery solved.
Police Officer: I'm sorry, what is it you say you're doing here again?
Hal: We're watching the cat while the owner's away.
Police Officer: I don't see a cat.
Hal: We're not doing a very good job.

Hal: [on the phone] Oh, Craig! Hi! How's the convention?
Craig: Fantastic. I've picked up some great bargains. You would not believe some of the idiots that are here. Anyhow, I just called to see how Jellybean's doing.
Hal: Oh, fine. He's a frisky little guy, you know. Oh, get off the TV, Jellybean!
Craig: That reminds me could you hit the timer button on my VCR? I want to tape Arliss.
Hal: Uh... Sure, no problem.
Craig: Hey, Hal, um, I don't want you to think I'm weird, but... could you put Jellybean on the phone?
Hal: Uh, yeah, let me just... pick him up, yeah... There he is! Okay... Okay, I got his ear to the phone!
Craig: Hey, Jellybean! How's my widdle pussycat? Have you been a good boy while I've been away? I love you, honey. Give Daddy a kiss. [Hal makes kissing noises] Jellybean?
Hal: [quietly] Idiot.

Francis: I got to tell you, Reese, you are doing a great job. I am very impressed.
Reese: [straining] Thank you. Here?
Francis: Nah, one over.
[Reese drops Francis down on the couch]
Reese: I just want to point out that Malcolm has not done a thing, and I have been carrying you around all afternoon.
Francis: Don't think your enthusiasm and that pathetic look of desperation are going unnoticed.
Malcolm: Here you go, Francis.
Francis: What's this?
Malcolm: Your English term paper on the rise of the novel. It's a guaranteed "A." You can screw off the whole rest of this semester and still pull a "C."
Francis: This pleases me.

Hal: Okay, we can fix this. Cats are territorial. I'd put money on it that Jellybean hasn't been outside a square block of this place. Ooh! [sniffs litter box] Yup, he's been back. These are fresh.
Dewey: But he never stays.
Hal: Well, then we'll just have to find a way to keep him here, won't we? Paid a little visit to my doctor.
Dewey: What are those?
Hal: These are sleeping pills, Dewey. I simply told him I've been up for the past few nights, things aren't going well with the wife, afraid I'm going to lose the house... But don't you worry, son. Those are just lies I told to get prescription drugs. Now, we're just going to grind a few of these up, sprinkle it on his food, and it's sweet dreams, Jellybean.
Dewey: Should we put them in the wet or the dry?
Hal: The wet, dry, milk, water we have to cover all our bases, son. We are going to get this cat!

Malcolm: [to himself] Rage in the Cage. Rage in the Cage.
Reese: What are you doing?
Malcolm: Wait till Mom sees what you did to my expensive microscope.
Reese: You don't have the guts.
Malcolm: Say you quit, Reese.
Reese: No! You're going to totally be grounded when Mom sees the beating you gave me. [screams then punches self]
Malcolm: What are you doing?
Reese: [with bloody mouth] Sucker!
Malcolm: Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?
[As Malcolm smashes his own microscope, Reese starts hitting himself again]

Francis: Hey, hey, hey! This isn't about the tickets, is it?
Malcolm: You have to decide. Who's going with you?!
Francis: Oh, yeah, I probably should've said something. I met this girl at the Burger Barn, and guess what? She likes wrestling.
Malcolm: What? You can't.
Francis: Guys, it's a girl... who likes wrestling. I'm just as much a victim as you are. Aw, you'll understand when you're older. You guys are cool. I'm definitely bringing you home a couple programs.

Lois: Okay, I'll say it. It was a really bad idea.
Hal: I'll tell you one thing I've never seen 50 cats run out of a place so fast.
Lois: Hal, how could this have happened? We've ruined Craig's life.
Hal: No, no, it is not our fault, Lois. At a certain point, we simply have to say to ourselves that Craig is just cursed.
Dewey: Dad, it's Jellybean!
Hal: Oh, my God! Oh, my God. Let me just grind up one of these sleeping pills. Won't take a minute. Keep him entertained. [Lois picks up the cat] Or we could just pick him up.
Dewey: Yay!
Hal: You see, Dewey, I told you everything would work out. [ceiling crashes]

Francis: You know, it doesn't pay as well as some other summer jobs, but I get the chance to mentor inner-city children. And how can you put a price on smiles?
Carly: Oh, you're cute and sweet.
Francis: You know, this is the first time I've gone out in six months.
Carly: Then... we'll have to make this a night to remember, won't we?
[When Francis notices something stuck to the sun visor, he pulls it down and reads a Post-It note that says "You will pay"]
Francis: Amateurs.
Carly: What?
Francis: Oh, it's nothing. It's just a prank from... some of the kids at the center. You know, it's inspiring how they can laugh after all they've been through. [police siren wails] Oh, man! I wasn't speeding, was I?
Carly: I don't think so.