Hal: Sorry to interrupt, Wheeler, but I thought we could have a little race.
Wheeler: Apparently, this man's a lot like you girls you all can't get enough of looking at my backside. [laughter] This shouldn't take long.
Hal: Oh, and just one more thing. This time, just to be different, let's... walk.
Wheeler: What are you talking about?
Hal: You thought no one would discover Yyour dirty little secret, didn't you? That clever little flail of the wrist every four steps, masking the hop. [crowd gasps] But you can't fool the tape. The tape sees all, and I see the tape. You are not a racewalker at all. You're nothing but a common jogger. [crowd gasps]
Wheeler: That is so rid- [walks off with the tape]
Hal: Don't worry. He won't get far.

Francis: Well, as you can see, Miss Doubting Piama, it may have taken days and days of wearing sopping wet boots, but they are now snug, supple and perfectly form-fitting.
Piama: You were right, honey.
Francis: Which would also make you...
Piama: Mistaken.
Francis: You know, I could push for a more abject admission of your wrongness, but I'm going to be a bigger man. With better boots.
Piama: Call me when you get tired of this. [exits]
Francis: Could be late. Oh! [removes boots] If I hold out for a few days, maybe the fungus will eat the mushrooms.

Coach Oleski: How can we be losing to a team that hasn't won a game in three years?!
Malcolm: [inner monologue] Maybe because you're a complete moron! You know I can shoot! Why won't you put me in?!
Coach Oleski: For God's sake, that's it. Time-out! All right, everybody up, come on! All right, you yo-yos. Do you want to know why we can't beat this team?
Malcolm: [inner monologue] Because you're not letting anyone shoot! We're just passing the ball back and forth!
Coach Oleski: Nobody on this team has any heart. Not a man. You know, when the Allies first hit the beach at Iwo Jima, they didn't have better weapons than the Germans. They had something more than firepower.
Malcolm: [inner monologue] Have you completely lost your mind?! Put me in! Let me shoot... [distorted] the ball!
Coach Oleski: Not one of you has been able to forget about the water in your boots, or the sand in your mess kit long enough to focus on the success of the entire unit!
Malcolm: [inner monologue; distorted] Tell him to shut up and put you in. Tell him, tell him!
Coach Oleski: Malcolm... do you think you can follow my game plan?
Malcolm: [inner monologue; distorted] No, because you're a freakin' idiot. I hate you. I want to kill you and dance on your shallow grave. That's my game plan. [Malcolm nods]
Coach Oleski: All right, get in there.
Malcolm: [spits blood] Thanks.

Craig: This is great, isn't it? Alison's nice, but I have to say I think a date's better with just two people.
Reese: Can we stop calling this a date?
Craig: Well, whatever it is, I can't wait to see the look on my neighbor's face when I come strolling home after 11:00. Eat your heart out, Mrs. Klevesahl.
Reese: I think I just missed my curfew.
Craig: There are no curfews on a night like tonight. [plays ukulele] [sings] Here I am, the one that you love Asking for another day Understand the one that you love Loves you in so many ways

Malcolm: Stevie, come on. That's ten in a row.
Stevie: I'm sick... of this.
Malcolm: It's important! I worked my butt off to make the JV team. I got to stay sharp. [Stevie holds up a broom] Could you at least try to block it? Still too easy. Can I put you on a ladder?

Hal: Time!
Dewey: 45 minutes and 43.2 seconds.
Hal: Damn! Are you sure you started it exactly when I called you from work?
Dewey: Yes. Do you want me to lie to you?
Hal: All right, go ahead and log in the time, son.