Malcolm: Okay, break's over. Let's get back to work. You take it out. I want to work on my defense. And this time, don't just sit there. Try to move the ball around.
[Stevie throws the basketball into the neighbor's yard]
Stevie: My... bad.

Malcolm: I'm sorry. I know I'm being a little crazy, but for the first time in my life, I'm actually good at something that normal people care about. Being on the team is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I don't want to screw it up.
[cut to Malcolm lecturing his coach in front of the team:]
Malcolm: All I'm saying is that if we want to win, which I think we do, it seems to me we should be using an offense that has a remote chance of actually working. I can't be the only one here who thinks there's something deeply flawed with your game plan. I think if you thought about it for just a second, you'd realize you need to make some changes.

Piama: What the hell are you doing?
Francis: Piama, this is an old cowboy trick. You soak your boots in water, and you don't take them off, even for a minute, until they are completely dry, even if it takes days. And when you're done, they fit like a glove. I know it seems drastic, but believe me, I know what I'm doing.
Piama: Those are $300 boots you just ruined.
Francis: I didn't ruin anything. This is what you're supposed to do! You're going to have to trust me on this. Why do you always talk to me like I'm an idiot?

Nicki: So then what happens is I'm sitting there eating my lunch when Carla comes up to me and she's completely furious at me because Cody dumped her. I mean, yeah, I'm the one who set then up, but does that make it my responsibility?
Malcolm: [inner monologue] Why are you asking me? I don't even know these people. [Malcolm shrugs]
Nicki: I know, I know. I can see her side, too, but she was completely screaming at me. And now I feel bad because she was crying, and I just kept thinking, "Did I do something so totally wrong?"
Malcolm: [inner monologue] I honestly don't care. My parents are going to be home any minute. Can we please start making out while we still have time? [out loud] Uh-uh.
Nicki: Oh, Malcolm, thank you so much. I'm so lucky to have you. You make me feel so good.
Malcolm: [inner monologue] Wow, this is fantastic. I'm never going to say what's on my mind ever again. All I have to do is keep my mouth shut. Just not say a word and let her do all the talking and...

Reese: I think you're going to like this.
Craig: Yeah, yeah, I get it. I put it in my mouth, your toenail clippings are in it, I spit it out, and you've got it all on video. It's been done.
Reese: I am so sorry about that. But we've both grown up a lot since then, and I have a proposal I think you might find interesting. It's still warm.

Reese: Now, I know a hip guy like you keeps up with the current music scene. It's awfully short notice and you're probably not even available.
Craig: What are you talking about?
Reese: There's a concert this Saturday, and Alison and I were wondering if you'd like to go.
Craig: You want me to go to a concert with you?
Reese: Yeah, pretty much. But the real fun part is the drive there and the drive back. But I don't have to tell you, right? I mean, look who I'm talking to a single, middle-aged guy with a cat? You know all about the dating scene.
Craig: Well, sure, that's my rep, but...
Reese: I mean, it's not like you're even excited to go out on a real date. It's not like it's something that you'd be bragging about for weeks
Craig: [laughs] Of course not. I mean, who cares? But if people were to ask, I'm not forbidden to tell them, am I?
Reese: Not at all. This is going to be great.
Craig: And you say I can tell people, right?

[fantasy:]
Officer: It's only a matter of time till we're surrounded. Now, we've got to get word to Allied Command, but any radio messages will be intercepted.
General: You think I don't know that? I've sent for our secret weapon.
Hal: [panting] You called for me, sir?
General: Corporal. I don't need to tell you the fate of the entire free world depends on you delivering this message to Allied Command by morning.
Officer: My God, that's 60 miles away.
Hal: I'll say hello to the boys at HQ for you over waffles, sir.
General: Let's just thank God he's on our side.

Malcolm: [inner monologue] Okay, just be cool. No matter what he says, don't say anything.
Coach Oleski: How much simpler can it get?! You pass, pass, pass, dribble, dribble, pass, dribble, pass, shoot!
Malcolm: Um, excuse me, Coach.
Coach Oleski: Well, well, well look who's here.
Malcolm: Coach, I'd like to apologize for the other day. I'd like to get back on the team.
Coach Oleski: So, you'd like to apologize and get back on the team?
Malcolm: [inner monologue] I think I just said that, yes.
Coach Oleski: Do you know what this is? A symbol of my authority. They don't just hand these whistles out to just anybody. It means that I'm in charge. I call the plays. Understood?
Malcolm: [inner monologue] Yeah. It's a magic whistle that makes you all-powerful. [Malcolm nods]
Coach Oleski: All right. You're back on the team.

Hal: Hey, look, Malcolm, come here. I need you to help me make sense of all these times. Now, these are the last three days. Some of these are with the cap, some without. Some with bike shorts, some without; one with both, one in just my pajamas. So you can whip up some kind of scientific analysis of all this, right?
Malcolm: [inner monologue] Sure, I've only got better to do with the rest of my life. [out loud] Okay.
Hal: You're a good son. By the way, how much allowance are we giving you?
Malcolm: [inner monologue] What family do you live in? [out loud] Nothing, why?
Hal: Well, how does five bucks a week sound?
Malcolm: Great.
Dewey: Hey!
Hal: Dewey, he's older, and he doesn't give me as much malarkey when I ask him for a favor.

Dewey: Dad, please, it's been three hours.
Hal: Come on, Wheeler, give me something. What's your secret?
Dewey: You're starting to ruin TV for me.
Hal: I study your moves, I copy your techniques, but somehow you continue to blow me out of the water. Why?! How?!
Dewey: Maybe he's just better than you. Have you ever thought of that? Billy Vargas can spit ten feet further than I can. I accept that. Why can't you?
Hal: Oh, Dewey, maybe you're right. Maybe God didn't put me on this Earth to beat this guy. I mean, look at him. Perfect posture, great hip rotation, his... Wait a minute. Both feet off the ground at the same time! Dewey, do you see that?! That's air. That that's air!
Dewey: That's it! I'm going to go read a book! I hope you're happy!