[At dinner time, the family are sitting around the table eating a pizza from a box:]
Lois: So apparently, there's a risk of extra blood loss with a cesarean section, but Dr. Howard is pretty sure I can deliver vaginally. He says I have a nice, thick placenta.
Dewey: What's a placenta?
Malcolm: Don't tell him. God!
Lois: Why are you boys being so squeamish?
Reese: Come on, Mom. It's gross!
Lois: What are you talking about? You should be grateful. When you were in my womb, you were feeding off my placenta for nine months.
Malcolm: Okay, that's it. [boys exit]
Lois: I told you we only needed a medium.

Malcolm: Lady, we've been waiting in line for a half hour. We have to meet our mom. I'm sorry, but we're next.
[The old woman pins Malcolm against the door with her walker]
Old Woman: Back off, brat! This may be your first sale, but it isn't mine!
Dewey: Let him go.
Malcolm: It's our turn.
Old Woman: Looks like you need someone to teach you to mind your elders.
[Reese pops up between Malcolm and the old lady]
Reese: You looking for a dance partner? You think you can do whatever you want, don't you? That people aren't going to say or do anything because you're "frail."
Dewey: [to Malcolm] Deal's off.
Malcolm: [to camera] All right, Reese is back.
Reese: You want to take your teeth out before we start this, Grandma?
Malcolm: [to camera] Oh, no, Reese is back.

[fantasy:]
Lois: Girls, don't do this. You're supposed to be easy.
Mallory: No, Mom, you're easy.
Daisy: We can fool you about anything. We're girls. We know how you think. And we're not above using it.
Francis: Mom, Dad, hi.
Lois: Francis, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be away at college.
Francis: I dropped out, but don't worry, I'm working. At the new Hooters out by the lumberyard. With tips, I can pay rent on the trailer and still keep my husband in beer.
Man: Hey, got to go. Cockfight starts in half an hour. You still got to load the cages into my pickup.
Hal: Uh, you know, you could talk to my daughter-
Francis: Leave him alone! You never like any of my husbands. You've always tried to come between us, and that's why I hate you! Ever since you lost all that weight, nothing is ever good enough for you! [girls shouting]
Lois: This isn't right. Girls don't do these things. Girls are nicer. Girls are better.
Mallory: Oh, come off it. Who do you think made us this way? It's all your fault. [girls shouting]

Malcolm: Seriously, Mom, think about it. You're dragging us to a place that we don't like, to buy clothes we don't care about, for money you don't want to spend, to look nice for people who hate our guts.

Hal: Do you want big? Do you want small? Do you want for you? Do you want for the house? Do you want sincere?
Lois: Hal, you know what I like.
Hal: Yes, because you've always told me! For the past five Valentine's Days, you've asked for a lawn mower, bath salts, earrings, a Hibachi, a porcelain cat. Th- There's no pattern, Lois. It is madness! I'm telling you, it's madness!
Lois: Okay, I'm going to let you do this to yourself. My feet are killing me. We're going to hit the food court before the sale.
Hal: Fine! Be that way! Don't come crying to me when you end up with a pair of puppy oven mitts! Do you like puppy oven mitts?!

Lois: Will you hurry up? We're going to have park, like, a mile away!
Malcolm: Why do we have to go shopping, anyway?
Lois: Because you ruin everything you own. New clothes don't just magically appear in your drawers.
Dewey: Mine do.

Malcolm: Look at him.
Dewey: Yeah. I assume you'll want the same deal I had with him.
Malcolm: What are you talking about?
Dewey: Look, Reese is as good as dead, at least on the inside. That puts you in charge. You get half my candy, full control of the remote, and since I can't do your homework for you, how about a nice warm towel whenever you come out of the shower?
Malcolm: Will you shut up? He's going to be fine.
Dewey: Whatever you say... sir.

Hal: Lois, you're not being fair. Every year you tell me what you want for Valentine's Day every year. Now, this year you want me to buy you a present without so much as a clue?
Lois: [leaning over the toilet] Can we discuss this later?
Hal: When? After I've brought home a gift you hate that makes me look like a jackass and you never forgive me? Here, mint or original?
Lois: I don't remember the morning sickness lasting this long.
Hal: Well, you are a lot older. Honey, you know, like we all are. I mean, that's what happens... everyone gets older and older until they die... And can we get back to your gift?
Lois: Hal, you're going to have at least four hours at the mall while I'm shopping with the boys. You'll find something.
Hal: This isn't fair.
Lois: You want to trade? You want to take three teenage boys to the basement sale at Hanning's and force them to try on a year's worth of school clothes?
Hal: No, I'm good.

Lois: Oh, God. My feet are so swollen, I'm going to need clown shoes. I can't believe I'm going through this again.
Hal: So, a boy or a girl?
Lois: What?
Hal: Oh, come on. Just between us, would you rather have a boy or a girl?
Lois: Hal.
Hal: Oh, I know, I know. "As long as it's healthy." We both know the drill. But deep down, you must want one more than the other.
Lois: [sighs] Well... [crashing] [boys yell]
Hal: I'll get the vacuum.

Francis: [on the phone] Listen, I need a favor. I need you to go in the garage. Under the paint tarps, next to the rat poison, is my old box of Mad Magazines, and the one I need you to find is in the middle stack.
Lois: Francis, what are you talking about?
Francis: I got a $20 bet on whether the cover is "Stagnum P.I." or "Magnum P.U."
Lois: Francis, I don't have time for this.
Francis: Oh, of course you don't 'cause every time something important to me comes up- [Lois hangs up]