‘If Boys Were Girls’
Season 4, Episode 10 - Aired February 9, 2003
When Lois takes the boys clothes shopping, she imagines what life would have been like if they'd had girls instead. Meanwhile, Hal searches for a Valentine's Day present.
Quote from Reese
Lois: Hal, hurry up!
Reese: Why can't you go shopping without us? I'm a medium, I like blue. Go crazy.
Quote from Lois
Lois: One salad with light dressing and three grande chili stampedes. One with extra onions, one with extra beans and extra onions, and one with extra beans and extra, extra onions.
Quote from Dewey
Dewey: You've shot down my star-pod for the last time, Zoltan. What you gonna do? What's the baby gonna do, huh? Aah! My lip! Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo! It hurts!
Quote from Lois
Lois: All right, we're going in. You see anything in your size, grab it and hold on to it, no matter what anyone tries to do to you. Protect your heads. Don't trust anyone.
Malcolm: What are you trying to do, scare us?
Lois: Yes. Fear is good. It's an 80%-off sale. Fear will keep you alive.
Dewey: [to Reese] Don't worry. We're with Malcolm.
Quote from Lois
Malcolm: Hey, Mom, we've-
Lois: You did not already try on those clothes. And you do not have a term paper due, and you are not going to suddenly develop stomach cramps.
Malcolm: How did you-?
Lois: Please, who do you think you're talking to? Now, go, try on those clothes.
Quote from Reese
Karen Tracy: Hi, I'm Karen Tracy. I was speaking to one of your boys earlier.
Lois: Oh, my God, I'll kill him.
Karen Tracy: See, these kind of outbursts are exactly the sort of thing we can help you with. I'm with the Department of Child Services.
Lois: What? What are you talking about?
Karen Tracy: Look, we're not making any judgments yet, but the department takes the safety of children very seriously. I'd like you to come in for an evaluation. What's the last known address of the boy's father?
Lois: Wait a minute. This is a mistake. My boys are fine.
Reese: It wasn't me. Somebody planted those teeth on me.
Security Guard: These your kids?
Old Woman: I was just trying to buy a slip, and they all jumped on me like jackals.
Malcolm: She's lying. We were just trying to pull Reese off of her.
Hal: Oh, Lois, thank God I found you. Look, we got to get out of here before... [sees security guard and runs]
Reese: [pushes over security guard] Run!
Quote from Lois
Hal: Honey, come on, you can do it. It's just another 300 yards after Senor Jelly Bean's.
Lois: Trust me, Hal. There's no escape. There's no escape no matter what.
Quote from Lois
Malcolm: Wait, we almost forgot the thing. Happy Valentine's Day, Mom.
Reese: Yeah, happy Valentine's Day.
Dewey: We saved you the coconut ones 'cause we know they're you're favorite.
Lois: Thank you, boys. I love it.
Hal: See you in a bit. [boys exit]
Lois: [to her belly] I hope you're a girl.
Quote from Malcolm
Malcolm: Give me my pen! I'm warning you-
Reese: Ooh, I'm scared. What are you gonna do? What's the baby gonna do?
[Malcolm punches Reese in the face]
Lois: Malcolm!
Hal: Malcolm, you can take Reese?
Quote from Dewey
Dewey: Boy, keep the windows open tonight, 'cause I'm gonna rip the biggest...