[At dinner time, the family are sitting around the table eating a pizza from a box:]
Lois: So apparently, there's a risk of extra blood loss with a cesarean section, but Dr. Howard is pretty sure I can deliver vaginally. He says I have a nice, thick placenta.
Dewey: What's a placenta?
Malcolm: Don't tell him. God!
Lois: Why are you boys being so squeamish?
Reese: Come on, Mom. It's gross!
Lois: What are you talking about? You should be grateful. When you were in my womb, you were feeding off my placenta for nine months.
Malcolm: Okay, that's it. [boys exit]
Lois: I told you we only needed a medium.

Malcolm: Lady, we've been waiting in line for a half hour. We have to meet our mom. I'm sorry, but we're next.
[The old woman pins Malcolm against the door with her walker]
Old Woman: Back off, brat! This may be your first sale, but it isn't mine!
Dewey: Let him go.
Malcolm: It's our turn.
Old Woman: Looks like you need someone to teach you to mind your elders.
[Reese pops up between Malcolm and the old lady]
Reese: You looking for a dance partner? You think you can do whatever you want, don't you? That people aren't going to say or do anything because you're "frail."
Dewey: [to Malcolm] Deal's off.
Malcolm: [to camera] All right, Reese is back.
Reese: You want to take your teeth out before we start this, Grandma?
Malcolm: [to camera] Oh, no, Reese is back.

[fantasy:]
Lois: Girls, don't do this. You're supposed to be easy.
Mallory: No, Mom, you're easy.
Daisy: We can fool you about anything. We're girls. We know how you think. And we're not above using it.
Francis: Mom, Dad, hi.
Lois: Francis, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be away at college.
Francis: I dropped out, but don't worry, I'm working. At the new Hooters out by the lumberyard. With tips, I can pay rent on the trailer and still keep my husband in beer.
Man: Hey, got to go. Cockfight starts in half an hour. You still got to load the cages into my pickup.
Hal: Uh, you know, you could talk to my daughter-
Francis: Leave him alone! You never like any of my husbands. You've always tried to come between us, and that's why I hate you! Ever since you lost all that weight, nothing is ever good enough for you! [girls shouting]
Lois: This isn't right. Girls don't do these things. Girls are nicer. Girls are better.
Mallory: Oh, come off it. Who do you think made us this way? It's all your fault. [girls shouting]