‘If Boys Were Girls’
Season 4, Episode 10 - Aired February 9, 2003
When Lois takes the boys clothes shopping, she imagines what life would have been like if they'd had girls instead. Meanwhile, Hal searches for a Valentine's Day present.
Quote from Lois
[At dinner time, the family are sitting around the table eating a pizza from a box:]
Lois: So apparently, there's a risk of extra blood loss with a cesarean section, but Dr. Howard is pretty sure I can deliver vaginally. He says I have a nice, thick placenta.
Dewey: What's a placenta?
Malcolm: Don't tell him. God!
Lois: Why are you boys being so squeamish?
Reese: Come on, Mom. It's gross!
Lois: What are you talking about? You should be grateful. When you were in my womb, you were feeding off my placenta for nine months.
Malcolm: Okay, that's it. [boys exit]
Lois: I told you we only needed a medium.
Quote from Reese
Malcolm: Lady, we've been waiting in line for a half hour. We have to meet our mom. I'm sorry, but we're next.
[The old woman pins Malcolm against the door with her walker]
Old Woman: Back off, brat! This may be your first sale, but it isn't mine!
Dewey: Let him go.
Malcolm: It's our turn.
Old Woman: Looks like you need someone to teach you to mind your elders.
[Reese pops up between Malcolm and the old lady]
Reese: You looking for a dance partner? You think you can do whatever you want, don't you? That people aren't going to say or do anything because you're "frail."
Dewey: [to Malcolm] Deal's off.
Malcolm: [to camera] All right, Reese is back.
Reese: You want to take your teeth out before we start this, Grandma?
Malcolm: [to camera] Oh, no, Reese is back.
Quote from Lois
Lois: Girls, don't do this. You're supposed to be easy.
Mallory: No, Mom, you're easy.
Daisy: We can fool you about anything. We're girls. We know how you think. And we're not above using it.
Francis: Mom, Dad, hi.
Lois: Francis, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be away at college.
Francis: I dropped out, but don't worry, I'm working. At the new Hooters out by the lumberyard. With tips, I can pay rent on the trailer and still keep my husband in beer.
Man: Hey, got to go. Cockfight starts in half an hour. You still got to load the cages into my pickup.
Hal: Uh, you know, you could talk to my daughter-
Francis: Leave him alone! You never like any of my husbands. You've always tried to come between us, and that's why I hate you! Ever since you lost all that weight, nothing is ever good enough for you! [girls shouting]
Lois: This isn't right. Girls don't do these things. Girls are nicer. Girls are better.
Mallory: Oh, come off it. Who do you think made us this way? It's all your fault. [girls shouting]
Quote from Malcolm
Malcolm: Seriously, Mom, think about it. You're dragging us to a place that we don't like, to buy clothes we don't care about, for money you don't want to spend, to look nice for people who hate our guts.
Quote from Hal
Hal: Do you want big? Do you want small? Do you want for you? Do you want for the house? Do you want sincere?
Lois: Hal, you know what I like.
Hal: Yes, because you've always told me! For the past five Valentine's Days, you've asked for a lawn mower, bath salts, earrings, a Hibachi, a porcelain cat. Th- There's no pattern, Lois. It is madness! I'm telling you, it's madness!
Lois: Okay, I'm going to let you do this to yourself. My feet are killing me. We're going to hit the food court before the sale.
Hal: Fine! Be that way! Don't come crying to me when you end up with a pair of puppy oven mitts! Do you like puppy oven mitts?!
Quote from Dewey
Lois: Will you hurry up? We're going to have park, like, a mile away!
Malcolm: Why do we have to go shopping, anyway?
Lois: Because you ruin everything you own. New clothes don't just magically appear in your drawers.
Dewey: Mine do.
Quote from Dewey
Malcolm: Look at him.
Dewey: Yeah. I assume you'll want the same deal I had with him.
Malcolm: What are you talking about?
Dewey: Look, Reese is as good as dead, at least on the inside. That puts you in charge. You get half my candy, full control of the remote, and since I can't do your homework for you, how about a nice warm towel whenever you come out of the shower?
Malcolm: Will you shut up? He's going to be fine.
Dewey: Whatever you say... sir.
Quote from Hal
Hal: Lois, you're not being fair. Every year you tell me what you want for Valentine's Day every year. Now, this year you want me to buy you a present without so much as a clue?
Lois: [leaning over the toilet] Can we discuss this later?
Hal: When? After I've brought home a gift you hate that makes me look like a jackass and you never forgive me? Here, mint or original?
Lois: I don't remember the morning sickness lasting this long.
Hal: Well, you are a lot older. Honey, you know, like we all are. I mean, that's what happens... everyone gets older and older until they die... And can we get back to your gift?
Lois: Hal, you're going to have at least four hours at the mall while I'm shopping with the boys. You'll find something.
Hal: This isn't fair.
Lois: You want to trade? You want to take three teenage boys to the basement sale at Hanning's and force them to try on a year's worth of school clothes?
Hal: No, I'm good.
Quote from Hal
Lois: Oh, God. My feet are so swollen, I'm going to need clown shoes. I can't believe I'm going through this again.
Hal: So, a boy or a girl?
Hal: Oh, come on. Just between us, would you rather have a boy or a girl?
Hal: Oh, I know, I know. "As long as it's healthy." We both know the drill. But deep down, you must want one more than the other.
Lois: [sighs] Well... [crashing] [boys yell]
Hal: I'll get the vacuum.
Quote from Francis
Francis: [on the phone] Listen, I need a favor. I need you to go in the garage. Under the paint tarps, next to the rat poison, is my old box of Mad Magazines, and the one I need you to find is in the middle stack.
Lois: Francis, what are you talking about?
Francis: I got a $20 bet on whether the cover is "Stagnum P.I." or "Magnum P.U."
Lois: Francis, I don't have time for this.
Francis: Oh, of course you don't 'cause every time something important to me comes up- [Lois hangs up]