Hal Quote #88
Lois: I could really use some support here.
Hal: Excuse me? I am being incredibly supportive. I'm giving up my entire day for this- this thing and you don't hear me complaining. [car horn honks]
Lois: Hal, it was a bunch of old record albums. It's not like you're not giving up something important.
Hal: Well, they're important to me.
Lois: [sighs] You- You people. I can't believe you. I asked you to do one thing that-
Francis: [on the phone] You're not asking; you're ordering. [Lois slams the phone against the counter]
Lois: After all I do for this family. I cook, I clean, I spackle, I plunge and none of it means anything to any of you people and the one time I ask you for something - something that I shouldn't even have to ask you for - and all I get are complaints! [car horn honks]
Hal: Well, what about me, hmm? You think I want to be cleaning out the gutters when I could be surfing the beaches of Europe or- or cruising around on my hog?
Lois: What hog?
Hal: Ah-ha! Exactly. Where's my hog?! [Lois sighs] Where do you think you're going?
Lois: I have had it! From now on, no one has to do anything. We could all just do whatever we want and I want to take a bubble bath!
Hal: Fine!
Malcolm: So, that's a "yes" on the concert?
Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
‘Funeral’ Quotes
Quote from Hal
Lois: [to Dewey] What do you mean what happens when you die? You're dead. That's it.
Hal: Now, honey, that's not quite true. Actually, son, after death your body undergoes a fascinating series of changes. First, it bloats up like a balloon, then shrivels like a raisin. Then, tiny microbes you can't even see, but are on you right now, start to devour your flesh and return all the elements in your body back to the soil. Now, some people will tell you that your hair keeps growing, but that's that's a myth. It's actually your head that shrinks.
Lois: Now go get ready for Aunt Helen's funeral.
Quote from Reese
Reese: This thing's an open casket, right?
Malcolm: I think so. Why?
Reese: Because I'm going to stash this with Aunt Helen.
Malcolm: What is that?
Reese: It's a Mighty Man. Mom and Dad had it in their closet for some reason.
Malcolm: It's Dewey's birthday next week. This is his present.
Reese: Oh.
Malcolm: What'd you do to it?
Reese: I stomped on it.
Malcolm: Why would you do that?
Reese: Look, I don't know why I do the things I do. I just know I don't want to get caught. That's why Aunt Helen is getting a new friend.
Malcolm: You're going to bury that with her? You are so dead.
Reese: Hey, I watch lawyer shows. Mom will think I did it but she can't prove it without this. It's in the Constitution: No evidence, no conviction. E pluribus unum.
Quote from Lois
Lois: A Tale of Two Cities. Who's that by?
Malcolm: Charles Dickens.
Lois: Oh, I thought it was Victor Hugo.
Malcolm: No, it's Dickens.
Lois: Is that the one with Jean Valjean?
Malcolm: That's Les Miserables.
Lois: No, no. Isn't A Tale of Two Cities the one with Jean Valjean, where he's says "It's a far, far better thing I do" right before he steals a loaf of bread?
Malcolm: No. Sidney Carton says that right before they behead him.
Lois: I thought you hadn't read it.
Malcolm: What? No. I said I hadn't written it.
Lois: And when is it due?
Malcolm: Tomorrow, I told you.
Lois: On Les Miserables?
Malcolm: Yes. No! It's on A Tale of Two Cities.
Lois: Which you haven't read.
Malcolm: Right.
Lois: But you just said you did.
Malcolm: No, I-I said I didn't, and then you said... It was Thursday, and...