Malcolm: I did a terrible thing today. I tore this family apart and I'm really sorry for that but... it's not half as bad... as what Reese did!
Lois: Oh, my God! Was this Dewey's present?
Dewey: Present?
Lois: Reese, how could you? Do you know how expensive this was? Hal?
Hal: I'm on it. That was a terrible thing to do to your little brother.
Malcolm: There's more. He was going to bury it with Aunt Helen.
Hal: You were going to make Aunt Helen spend eternity with a crushed Mighty Man?
Dewey: [sobs] M-Mighty Man?
Lois: I can't believe you.
Hal: This is a whole new low, Reese.

Reese: First of all, this is all circumstantial. I don't know how that thing got in my backpack. As for this Aunt Helen business, no one knows what I would've done at that funeral because we're not going.
Lois: Who says we're not going?
Reese: You did.
Lois: Well, you can guess again. You are going to march right up to that coffin and apologize to that poor, dead woman. We all are.
Hal: All right, everyone in the car as is. We'll have to drive creatively, but we might make the end. Let's go. Chop, chop, here we go! Egg! Come on!

Malcolm: "I'll say yon grey is not the morning's eye 'tis but the pale reflect of Cynthia's brow nor that is not the lark whose notes do beat the vaulty heavens so high above our heads. I have more care to stay than will to go. Come, Death. And welcome." [applause]
Eraserhead: Yes! He nailed it!
Caroline: Malcolm, that was wonderful! So sensitive and full of passion. It was just beautiful.
[Stevie smiles at Malcolm]
Malcolm: Before you say anything just remember we're best friends. So that wheelchair isn't going to stop me from kicking your ass.
Stevie: Bring it on, Homeo.

Malcolm: [to camera] This stinks. Whether it's a wedding, funeral or court date, these family gatherings are always the same. I can't wait till I get zits. At least then I can fight back.

Reese: Hello?
Lois: Oh. Okay, well, you can wear one of the suits that Uncle Fred left you.
Reese: Aw, Mom, a dead suit? Cool. A dead suit.

Malcolm: Dad, how long is this funeral going to take?
Hal: Including traveling time? All day. [Malcolm sighs] I know, I know. But it will make your mom happy.
Malcolm: Mom really loved Aunt Helen, huh?
Hal: Oh, God, no. Your mom hated her.
Malcolm: What? She hated her?
Hal: Hmm. Everyone did. Horrible woman. I used to have to forbid her from calling here 'cause she always made your mom cry.
Malcolm: [to camera] I can't believe Mom tricked me like that. I'll tell you one thing. I now consider myself totally free to ditch this funeral. I got to call Julie. [grabs phone] Hello?
Francis: Malcolm! Thank God, somebody I can talk to.
Malcolm: Sorry, I have to make a call. [dial tone]

Reese: I'm ready to go.
Hal: Yeah. Hey, you're taking a backpack to the funeral?
Reese: My back gets cold.
Hal: Fair enough.

Hal: Are you going to be in there all day?
Lois: If I feel like it.
Hal: Fine. Just so you know, when I'm done in the garage I'm using the bathroom whether you're in here or not.

Malcolm: Um... Mom? I was just wondering if you could wash this shirt for me?
Lois: [laughs] You must be joking.
Malcolm: But you're the only one that knows how to use the washer and dryer without getting shocked. Please?
Lois: Well... since you said please. [dips Malcolm's shirt in the bath] There you go. All washed.

Malcolm: Mom, this has gone too far. You have to do something. It's not supposed to be like this. We're not supposed to injure my friends. We're not supposed to let people see me in my underpants. We're supposed to be there for each other.
Lois: Like when a family member dies, and we're supposed to go to their funeral?
Malcolm: [sighs] I'll be in my room.