Barney: [speaks alien language]
Future Ted: [v.o.] Over the years, we'd seen all sorts of levels of Barney's drunkenness.
[flashbacks to Barney at MacLaren's:]
Barney: How you doing?
Future Ted: Richard Dawson drunk.
Barney: Is this your sister?
Future Ted: "Big plans with strangers" drunk.
Barney: Hey! Me and the Road Dawgs are going splitsies on a time share in Flint, Michigan. And non-refundably booked. Come on, I'm gonna buy you all some mopeds. Road Dawgs!
Future Ted: And Marcel Marceau drunk. But we knew the night was over whenever Barney got Jabba drunk. So drunk that his speech bore an uncanny resemblance to that of... Jabba the Hutt from Return of the Jedi.

Robin: Okay, we have to go to bed.
Barney: Yeah, I need to get my ear hair trimmed in the morning. It's like a rainforest in there.
Robin: Uh, why would you volunteer that information?
Barney: Because it's the truth. Also, I peed a little on my tie at the urinal.
Ted: Uh, Barney, who's taller, me or you?
Barney: You're taller. I wear lifts in my shoes.
Ted: Oh, my God, Robin. Barney has reached a whole new level. He's truth serum drunk. He can't lie. So we can finally get the answers we've always been wondering about. Look, I know you said you had to get to bed, but...
Robin: Screw tomorrow. We go big tonight.

Robin: So Barney will answer any question we ask him with the truth?
Ted: I think so.
Robin: Honey, when that Bryan Adams song came on the radio, did two mosquitoes really fly into your eyes at the same time?
Barney: No. I got all choked up thinking about how everything he does, he does it for her.
Robin: Checks out.

Robin: Okay, what next? It's hard to know where to begin, there are so many...
Ted: What did you do to my mom?
Barney: Well, that night, we were in my car...
Ted: I was wrong. I can't handle this. Just tell me in baseball terms.
Barney: I got thrown out trying to stretch a single into a double.
Ted: I can live with that.

Robin: How about that time you walked into the bar wearing triple X-ray goggles?
[flashback:]
Barney: Well, hello, you two lovely ladies.
Robin: What are you wearing?
Barney: Oh, hey, Robin, didn't see you there. Just triple X-ray goggles, no big deal.
Lily: There is no way those things work.
Barney: I'm not even here, just act natural. Right, because that jacket's made of lead.
[present:]
Robin: Those things didn't work, did they?
Barney: Absolutely, Lily's boobs always work for me. Oh, the goggles? No.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, in all the time we knew Barney, there was one question he would always answer the same way.
[flashback:]
Marshall: Seriously, what is it that you do?
Barney: Ha-ha-ha. Please.
[flashback:]
Lily: Seriously, what do you do for a living?
Barney: Ha-ha-ha. Please.
[flashback:]
Marshall: You finally gonna tell me exactly what your job is?
Barney: Ha! Please.
[present:]
Future Ted: So naturally, this was a pretty big moment for us.
Ted: Well? What do you do for a living?
Barney: Please.
Robin: He's not telling us. More booze.
Ted: Not so fast, princess. I guess subtle clues and the bar tab are two things you don't pick up. Because I think he is telling us.

Ted: Wait, that's your job? You sign sketchy, legally binding documents that could implicate you for God-knows-what?
Barney: Best job ever, right?

Lily: No more pausing. We're getting through this argument.
Marshall: Okay. But no pot shots at my mom.
Lily: Fine. No distracting me with your calves.
Marshall: Fine. I love you, Lilypad.
Lily: I love you, Marshmallow. Now... How could you take that job without telling me?
Marshall: Baby, I'm sorry, but they needed an answer right away. This is a huge opportunity. It could be good
for our family and we have to at least talk about it.
Lily: Sorry, you lost your chance to talk about it when you didn't talk about it. We're going to Italy.
Marshall: But I could be a judge. We can't give that up for what is clearly just a hobby. Pause.
Lily: No pause. That hobby is my dream. We're going to Italy.
Marshall: Well, it's my dream to...
Lily: We are going to Italy.
Marshall: Baby, can you just...
Lily: We are going to Italy. Don't you get it? You went behind my back. You hurt me. You were more selfish than I have ever been to you.
Marshall: You broke up with me and moved to San Francisco.

Lily: Why are you bringing up San Francisco? That was seven years ago.
Marshall: Because you are being selfish all over again.
Lily: Marshall, I apologized over and over again. Now you're saying you've never forgiven me? There is nothing more important to me than our family, you know that.
Marshall: Well, let me ask: What if you had found success in San Francisco? How do I know that you even would have come back to me?
Lily: Stop it.
Marshall: Are Marvin and I and any other future children we may have just some consolation prize?
Lily: I have to get out of here.
Marshall: Babe...

Ted: Okay, I got one last question for you and I can't believe I haven't asked it yet. Dude, you're getting married tomorrow. How are you doing?
Barney: Good. I mean, I'm a little nervous. But I love Robin more than I've ever loved anyone and I'm gonna do everything I can to make her happy. For a long time, deep down, I felt sort of... broken? But I don't feel that way anymore. Robin, along with the idea that vengeance will soon be mine, has made me 100 percent awesome.
Ted: I'm proud of you, buddy.
Barney: [babbling]
Ted: Okay. Come on, Jabba. Big day tomorrow.
Linus: Tab for the night. Just so you know, those last few rounds of 35-year Glen McKenna were not cheap.
Ted: Whoa. Um... You know what? Charge them to the bride's room.