Barney Quote #2058
Ted: Okay, I got one last question for you and I can't believe I haven't asked it yet. Dude, you're getting married tomorrow. How are you doing?
Barney: Good. I mean, I'm a little nervous. But I love Robin more than I've ever loved anyone and I'm gonna do everything I can to make her happy. For a long time, deep down, I felt sort of... broken? But I don't feel that way anymore. Robin, along with the idea that vengeance will soon be mine, has made me 100 percent awesome.
Ted: I'm proud of you, buddy.
Barney: [babbling]
Ted: Okay. Come on, Jabba. Big day tomorrow.
Linus: Tab for the night. Just so you know, those last few rounds of 35-year Glen McKenna were not cheap.
Ted: Whoa. Um... You know what? Charge them to the bride's room.
How I Met Your Mother Quotes
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Quote from Barney
Future Ted: [v.o.] And so we did it. We asked Barney all the questions we'd always wanted to.
[montage:]
Barney: In one night? Four.
Barney: In one family? Three.
Barney: Yes, but not while she was Secretary of State.
Barney: Yes, but not while she was Secretary of State.
Barney: Just once. With a French male model, Henri. It was late, we were the last two people in the club. I was Ionely and I figured, why not try it? That was the only time I ever split a cab.
Barney: Yes, but not the MIT you're thinking of: The Magicians Institute of Teaneck.
Barney: I've had sex in Ted's bed 14 times.
Ted: I asked if you wear shoulder pads. I think I've just got one question left, and it's a biggie. Barney Stinson, what do you do for a living?
Quote from Barney
Ted: Tell us more about this job.
Barney: Well, as you know, back in my hippie days, a man came into my coffee shop, told me money was all that mattered and stole my girlfriend. That's when I decided to become awesome. But I had no idea how to break into the corporate world. So, hoping he wouldn't recognize me, I went to the person from whom I knew I could learn everything.
[flashback:]
Greg: Do we know each other, bro?
Barney: We're all connected in Gaia's tapestry of... [clears throat] No. We don't. Bro.
Greg: Wow, you went to MIT. Pretty impressive.
Barney: I did get a perfect score on the ACTs.
[present:]
Barney: Advanced card tricks.
Quote from Barney
[flashback:]
Greg: Look, buddy, you got a sweet resume, but we don't have openings you're qualified...
Man: They set me up! It was a trap! It's a trap!
Greg: We have one opening you'd be perfect for.
Barney: Great. What do I do?
Greg: Please.
[later, Greg and Barney stand by a whiteboard:]
Greg: "Provide legal exculpation and sign everything." Just show up every day, scribble your name on a bunch of documents, and we'll pay you 16 craploads a year. The deets are in the contract. I'll give you time to think about it.
[17 seconds later:]
Barney: I'll take it.
Greg: Hold on. Did you even read this before signing it?
Barney: No.
Greg: You're hired.