Ted Quote #515
Future Ted: But I think you start to recover the moment you meet that person who gets you back in the game. This is the story of how I met that person. Now, kids, if you want to go swimming, you don't just dive in. First, you dip your toe in the water.
Future Ted: You check the temperature. See how it feels.
Ted: I'm Ted.
Future Ted: And then you slowly wade in.
Ted: I got left at the altar a month ago.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Or, you know, cannonball.
Ted: It was a complete disaster and ever since then, I haven't been able to even look at another woman. Except for the old lady on the subway who break-dances for nickels. I don't look at her that way. I just look at her. I mean, it's an old lady break-dancing. And she is good. I'm going to give her a dollar next time. Hey, let's pretend I just said this: These elevator rides have been the highlight of my week, and I'd love to see you again
Friday night. Not in the elevator. At a restaurant, a nice one. What do you say?
Quote from Ted
Mitch: This is my move. It's called, "The Naked Man."
Ted: "The Naked Man"?
Mitch: Goes like this: You're on a first date, you've had a few drinks, you make an excuse to go up to the girl's apartment.
Robin: So, the bathroom's right there. [cellphone rings] You know what, I'm going to grab this.
Mitch: [v.o.] Then, once she leaves the room, you strip down naked and wait. When she comes back, she laughs. She's so charmed by your confidence and bravado, she sleeps with you. Boom!
Ted: There is no way that works!
Mitch: Two out of three times.
Ted: Two out of three times?
Mitch: Two out of three times.
Quote from Barney
Barney: The Naked Man works! This is going to revolutionize the one-night stand! This is like the forward pass in football. The slam dunk in basketball. The haircutting technique where they hold it between their fingers and cut right above it. It's a total game changer!
Lily: Barney, this guy slept with Robin, who you claim to be in love with. How can you be excited about this?
Barney: Lily, the Naked Man is bigger than me and Robin. All these years, I have been busting my hump, with my secret identities and my tricks and my gadgets. I mean, I'm like Batman. But this Mitch fellow, he's Superman. He just rips off his clothes and he's good to go.
Lily: What kind of gadgets are we talking about?
Quote from Intervention
[flashback to Marshall arriving at the apartment as Ted stacks books on a shelf:]
Marshall: Hey. What's that?
Ted: A 1986 World Book encyclopaedia. [en-sahy-kluh-pay-dee-uh] It's exactly the one I grew up with.
Ted: Oh, you think it should be pronounced encyclo-pee-dia. It's a common mistake. But if you look at that squished together "ae" symbol in this here encyclopaedia, you'll learn that it's a ligature derived from the Anglo-Saxon rune...
[The bookshelves collapse, ripping off a portion of plasterboard and exposing the building's red brick walls]
Marshall: You know, you're gonna have to paedia for that.
Quote from We're Not From Here
Ted: New Jersey is not "pretty much New York". You are not "pretty much New Yorkers".
Colleen: And how would you know?
Ted: Because I live here. That's right. I live here. Yes, we're full of crap. Yes, we pretended to be from out of town so we could sleep with you and leave in the morning. But you know what's even worse than that?! Saying you're a New Yorker when you're not. Because, this is the greatest city in the world and you have to earn the right to call yourself a New Yorker. So why don't you girls crawl into the open sewer pipe you call the Holland Tunnel and flush yourselves back to "pretty much New York"? Because I will do a lot to get laid, but I am not going to New Jersey!