Ted: [on the phone] What about the old "Coppertone Baby"?
Barney: The Olympic gymnast who stuck the landing. Hup!
Ted: I got to go.
Barney: Naked Man!

Vicky: Here we go.
Ted: Pablo Neruda.
Vicky: Oh, yeah, that book's a turd. Some douchey guy I hooked up with left it here. It's all in Mexican. [blows a raspberry] You know who writes good poems? Jewel. Her teeth are crooked and she lived in a car. So, she has stuff to write about.
Ted: [naked] Ta-dah!
[elsewhere, Barney is naked in front his date and Lily is naked in front of Marshall]
Vicky: Okay.

Ted: Hold on, Mitch, Mitch, I have to thank you. We all tried The Naked Man tonight.
Marshall: Ooh. We should see how Barney did.
Christina: [answers Barney's cell phone] Hello?
Marshall: Hi, is Barney there?
Christina: No.
[flashback to earlier in the evening as Barney stands naked before Christina:]
Christina: Oh, my God! What's the matter with you?! Get out!
Barney: I just have to grab my suit. It's very expensive. The tie alone...
Christina: Get out of here right now! Get out! You sick son of a bitch!
Barney: Call me. [Barney ducks as Christina throws a glass at the door]
[present:]
Christina: And if I see him again, I'm calling the cops. [throws Barney's cell phone in the toilet.
[at MacLaren's:]
Mitch: Two out of three times.

Ted: Mitch, I want you to know, this night, crazy as it was, it got me out of my shell.
Mitch: That's the beauty of The Naked Man. It gives you exactly what you need. No more, no less. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to replace one of my fantasy football quarterbacks. He separated his shoulder! [exits]
Ted: A toast to Mitch. By the sum of his parts, he is just a man. But by what he does with those parts, he becomes so much more. He may not fit society's definition of a hero, but he is the hero I needed. The hero who helped me recover from the disaster of my failed almost-marriage and get back into the game. He lives in the shadows. Is he a dream? Truth? Fiction? Damnation? Salvation? He is all these things and none of them. For he is... "The Naked Man."
[On a New York City street, Barney pops up naked]
Woman: [o.s.] Oh, my God!

Robin: [on the phone] I think that I am more than qualified for the job. My weaknesses? Um, I would say caring too much, working too hard, and putting my career in front of my love life. Whoops, that last one was real. What?!

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, everyone has an opinion on how long it takes to recover from a breakup.
[montage:]
Lily: Half the length of the relationship.
Marshall: One week for every month you were together.
Robin: Exactly 10,000 drinks. However long that takes.
Barney: You can't measure something like this in time. There's a series of steps. From her bed to the front door. Bam! Out of there. Next!

Ted: So, this is what it's going to be like, us living together? I come home, and guys you're dating are just going
to be sitting on the couch, naked.
Robin: Well, I wish I could say no.
Ted: I still cannot believe the Naked Man worked on you.
Robin: Well, what can I say? Okay, I went in there, and he was naked. It was funny. I laughed, he laughed. And then it just kind of happened. I don't know.

Lily: Marshall, I love you, but there's lots of reasons to have sex.
Marshall: Name one.
Lily: I can name 50.
Marshall: No, you can't.
Lily: Number one: Last Thursday.
[flashback to Lily in bed with a sleeping Marshall at 3:45 a.m.:]
Lily: Hey, Marshall, want to do it?
Marshall: I'm up.
[present:]
Marshall: You befouled our marital bed because you couldn't get to sleep?!
Lily: You're the one who said, "That shadow on the ceiling looks like a scary toothless clown. Good night, Lily."

Lily: Ooh, ooh, ooh. I've got one. "Nothing good on television" sex.
Ted: "Hotel room" sex.
Barney: "Curiosity," as in... "I've always wondered what it's like to have sex with a really tall girl." Not a big girl, just a tall girl. Like... if a normal girl were seven, seven-and-a-half-feet tall and wore a denim miniskirt. I would have to know what that is like.
Lily: Okay.

Lily: Okay, four more to go. Ooh! "You dropped a Cheeto on his lap and when you reached for it, he thought you were making a move, so you just went with it."
Marshall: Well, thank you for ruing the memory of our six-month anniversary.
Lily: You got me Cheetos.