Future Ted Quote #103
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I walked in on a lot of crazy stuff at the old apartment over the years.
[flashback to November 26, 2004. Ted enters the apartment and finds Lily painting a pair of acrobats posing in a difficult position:]
Lily: Sorry, guys. I'm just going to go with a bowl of fruit.
[flashback to July 16, 2007. Ted walks in on the gang watching Barney, who is attempting to escape from a metal cage filled with water. Lily and Robin have axes ready to free him.]
Marshall: It's been 12 minutes!
[As Barney works to free himself, he gives Ted a smile and a thumbs up]
[flashback to December 15, 2006 and Ted walking in on an armed robbery that Robin is attempting to foil:]
Robin: Drop it!
Masked Gun Man #1: You first!
Masked Gun Man #2: Ike, why are you pointing your gun at me?
Masked Gun Man #1: Don't use my name!
Robin: Put the guns down, now!
[flashback to May 8, 2009 and a goat in the apartment]
Quote from Ted
Mitch: This is my move. It's called, "The Naked Man."
Ted: "The Naked Man"?
Mitch: Goes like this: You're on a first date, you've had a few drinks, you make an excuse to go up to the girl's apartment.
Robin: So, the bathroom's right there. [cellphone rings] You know what, I'm going to grab this.
Mitch: [v.o.] Then, once she leaves the room, you strip down naked and wait. When she comes back, she laughs. She's so charmed by your confidence and bravado, she sleeps with you. Boom!
Ted: There is no way that works!
Mitch: Two out of three times.
Ted: Two out of three times?
Mitch: Two out of three times.
Quote from Barney
Barney: The Naked Man works! This is going to revolutionize the one-night stand! This is like the forward pass in football. The slam dunk in basketball. The haircutting technique where they hold it between their fingers and cut right above it. It's a total game changer!
Lily: Barney, this guy slept with Robin, who you claim to be in love with. How can you be excited about this?
Barney: Lily, the Naked Man is bigger than me and Robin. All these years, I have been busting my hump, with my secret identities and my tricks and my gadgets. I mean, I'm like Batman. But this Mitch fellow, he's Superman. He just rips off his clothes and he's good to go.
Lily: What kind of gadgets are we talking about?
Quote from Murtaugh
Ted: Yeah, whatever. I'm adding laser tag to the Murtaugh List.
Barney: Jeez, not the Murtaugh List.
Robin: What's the Murtaugh List?
Future Ted: [v.o.] The Murtaugh List is something that came into being around the time I turned 30. It all started with your Uncle Marshall's beer bong. When we were in our early 20s, every time we had a party, that beer bong came out. And around the time we turned 30, same thing. Of course, in our early 20s, the next day would go like this.
[flashback to Ted and Marshall playing around in their underwear]
Future Ted: But by the time we were 30, the next day would go like this.
[Ted on the couch with a sick bucket]
Future Ted: Then one day, in the throes of the worst hangover of my life, I realized there was only one person in the world that I could relate to: Detective Roger Murtaugh, played by Danny Glover in the '80s noir masterpiece Lethal Weapon, known for his oft-quoted catchphrase:
Murtaugh: I'm too old for this...
Future Ted: "Stuff." He said, "I'm too old for this stuff."
Quote from The End of the Aisle
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I won't lie, that was a long weekend. More ups and downs than I can count. It was a twisting, turning road that led to the end of the aisle, and not everything along the way was perfect. To be honest, not everything to follow would be perfect either. But what is? Here's the secret, kids: none of us can vow to be perfect. In the end, all we can do is promise to love each other with everything we've got. Because love's the best thing we do. And on that lovely spring evening, that's exactly what Barney and Robin vowed to each other. And it was legendary.