Future Ted: [v.o.] In the spring of 2013, Barney and Robin were just weeks away from tying the knot. But there were still some pretty big issues they hadn't agreed on.
Robin: Adoption.
Barney: I don't know.
Robin: It's the only thing that makes sense. I can't... I can't believe you're not open to it.
Barney: Okay. Let's try it. Nope, it doesn't work with 27 down.

Marshall: Nice job filling in for Lily on Marvin's lullaby.
Ted: Thanks, but I came in early on the horsie. Stupid!
Marshall: No, you really nailed all of Lily's parts. It's been three weeks since I have. I barely see her anymore 'cause of this new job.

Marshall: Is it a strain, feeling like a single dad at times? Sure, but Lily's been busting her butt at this new job. It's not like she's been out there partying.
Lily: [enters] Man, I'm 'faced. I ate a ton of caviar, but it soaked up none of the champagne.
Ted: Mondays, right?
Lily: Yeah.
Marshall: When did you get glasses?
Lily: Oh, you mean my glare reduction lunettes. Yeah. They help me discern genius from pretentious crap.
Ted: Too bad you weren't wearing those glasses when you bought those glasses.

Marshall: Well, listen, baby, I'm just happy to see you. And if you're not too tired, maybe we could watch Woodworthy Manor tonight.
Lily: I'd love to.
Marshall: Great! Because I've come up with a fun little game. I made figgy pudding and I put it in shot glasses. And every time they say, "The dowager will be less than pleased," you have to...

Lily: [answers phone] Ahoy.
The Captain: A seven-foot-tall cross-dressing Cambodian is throwing glitter and fish guts at a billboard on the B.Q.E.
Lily: So he's some sort of conceptual painter?
The Captain: No, no, just a crazy person on the local news. I thought you might have a laugh. You're off the clock, relax. I must own it.
Lily: Aye, aye, Cap'n.

Ted: I'm sorry, dude. But, hey, look at it this way: now you don't have to go to the ballet.
Marshall: Get your head out of your ass, Ted. There was no ballet. We were gonna sneak into your apartment and bang.

Barney: Robin, I did not agree to this.
Robin: Yes, you did. That is why I gave up my apartment. Not so I could live in a disease-riddled bang pad haunted by the hosts of your ex-skanks. [to concerned visitors] The bathrooms are Italian marble.

Ted: [British accent] Hello, old bean. Jolly good evening, isn't it?
Barney: What are you doing here? And why do you sound like Madonna?
Marshall: Uh, Robin asked us all to come here and pretend that we are prospective buyers who love this apartment.
Ted: [British accent] And inspired by a character on Woodworthy Manor, I've decided to play Emsbry Postlethwaite, a handsome cricket player who secretly hates his life.
Robin: You don't have to be a cricket player.
Ted: Tell that to Emsbry's father.

Woman: Oh, what a cute baby. What's his name?
Ted: Marvin.
Marshall: For my father.
Woman: Oh, that's so sweet. Have you two been looking at a lot of places in this neighborhood?
Lily: [laughs] Oh, actually they're not...
Marshall: Yes, we have.
Lily: What?
Marshall: My husband Emsbry and I just love this area.
Ted: I'm a cricket player who secretly hates his life.

Lily: What are you doing?
Marshall: Well, you were late yet again, and so I'm gonna do this little scene study with Ted. Why? Because he's there for me.
Lily: Pretending you're married? That's going a little far to prove your point, isn't it?
Woman: Excuse me, but I think it's offensive to suggest the only reason gay people get married is to prove a point. [crowd applaud]
Lily: No, no, no, no, no. I didn't... that's not what I...
Marshall: Thank you, sister... somebody needs to get this lady's mind a rearview mirror because she is thinking
in reverse. [crowd applaud]
Ted: Hate is a four-letter word.
Lily: I didn't. I voted for...