Robin: Wait a minute, that's it? Ted wasn't interested in buying your apartment, so you just gave up? Barney, I gave up my beautiful two-bedroom apartment on the Upper West Side that was rent-free and the landlord hand-washed all my delicates. Which is probably why it was rent-free. The point is, I need to buy all new underwear, and you agreed that we would find a new place together. Oh, God, Barney, relationships are about trust and compromise. You can't just...
[Barney triggers the Ho-be-gone Sleep System, making the bed disappear]
Robin: Oh, you are so dead. If I ever figure a way out of here, I will make your life a living...

Ted: Well, you know what might take both our minds off that? A little, [clears throat], Woodworthy Manor.
Marshall: No, I can't. I promised Lily that I would wait and watch it with her. And I feel like I'd be cheating on her.
Ted: Sure, sure, sure, sure, I get all that. It's just... You know, tonight they're gonna finally reveal who framed the chimney sweep for stealing Lord Stoutshire's gooseberries.
Marshall: And reveal the winner of the local gardening competition. I don't know how they're going to pack all that action into one episode.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Later that week, Barney came home to discover that Robin had a little surprise waiting for him.
Barney: Wha...? Mimosas?
Robin: Mm-hmm.
Barney: Freshly-baked cookie smell? A middle-aged woman in a red blazer? I see what this is. You finally green-lit my orgy idea!
Robin: Okay. It's an open house, Barney. Say good-bye to your fortress.
Barney: If we weren't about to have an orgy, I'd be so mad at you right now.

Realtor: If you'll follow me into the bedroom, I'll show you some beautiful woodwork.
Barney: I am way too upset right now to point out how many women have seen some beautiful woodwork in there. Angry self five! Rah!

Lily: I don't want to tell you and Emsbry how to raise your child, but I think if you keep letting him nap, he's gonna be up all night.
Marshall: Funny, you sound like someone who's been around for his bedtime lately. Uh, can somebody get
this lady a storefront 'cause she needs to mind her own business, mm-kay? [crowd applaud]

Woman: What's this?
Robin: Oh, God.
Barney: Only the best thing ever. Let's say you had a wonderful night with a girl, but now she's turning into a bit of a morning-after pill.
[flashback to Barney disappearing into the floor in his kitchen. Outside, a suited-up body falls out of a chute and lands hard on the ground, horrifically injured:]
Barney: See? We need to extend the chute and add a landing spot. And you said testing it with a dummy was a waste of time.
Ted: No, I said "dressing the dummy" was a waste of time.
[present:]
Barney: The Escape From Bitch Mountain by Stinson, patent pending.

Robin: He's kidding, it's just, you know, in case of fire.
Barney: No, but I'm glad you mentioned fire. See those smoke detectors? Say these words.
Woman: "I'm looking for a deeper commitment".
[sprinklers go off]
Barney: It's also triggered by "I'm too tired," "Let's snuggle," and "I'm a week late".
Robin: Barney, I'm getting wet.
Barney: And that turns it off.

Barney: I've been thinking and I realized something. The Fortress of Solitude is where Superman went to be alone. And I never want to be alone again.
Robin: Thank you, Barney, that really...
Barney: But then I remembered in Superman II, Superman gave up all his powers to be with Lois Lane, and he was honestly kind of a vag after that.
Robin: Oh, buddy, just quit while...
Barney: Now, Superman III was a complete train wreck totally.
Robin: What's your point?
Barney: That... that I love you. And I'm giving up my apartment for you. And that the Superman films are uneven.

Robin: Congrats. You guys are getting a fantastic apartment. I mean, I know some of the features are a little weird.
Woman: A little?
Man: We're gonna rip this thing down to the studs.
Robin: I get it. But, I mean, some things might be worth saving.
Woman: I don't see any.
Robin: You don't see any? Sure some of the stuff in here is creepy, but it's also brilliant. I mean, a lot of geniuses were kind of pervy. Look at Thomas Edison. Why do you think that lightbulbs are boob-shaped?
Man: Yeah, we're taking a wrecking ball to this place and turning it into something actually fit for humans.
Robin: [laughs] Excuse me. [goes to the cupboard and uses the Jor-El head] Get out! The Fortress of Barnitude is no longer for sale. Also your husband has been staring at my ass all afternoon so don't act all high-and-mighty.

Lily: Would you stop it?
Ted: Oh, right, right, because it's a choice.
Robin: You know what's not a choice? Being gay for this kitchen. That came out wrong.