Marshall: Let's have a baby. [Marshall and Lily kiss]
Lily: Oh, oh, right now? Oh, okay.
Future Ted: [v.o.] There was just one thing in their way.
Robin: [enters] Scooch over. I TiVo'd The View.
Future Ted: And that thing happened to be unemployed and sleeping on their couch.
Marshall: So, Robin, how's the job and apartment search going?
Robin: Oh, you didn't hear? I'm the lead anchor on CNN. And I got a penthouse overlooking Central Park made of gold. Get your head out of your ass, Marshall.

Lily: [answers phone] Marshall?
Marshall: Hey, babe. It's breakfast time in China.
Lily: Yeah, it is.
Marshall: Not a euphemism. Look, I... Wait, what would that even mean?
Lily: I don't know. Hot buns, spicy pork? There's something there. You're not coming home tonight, are you? [Marshall shakes his head] Are you shaking your head "no?" [Marshall nods] I thought so.

Lily: So, are Marshall and I ready to have a baby or not?
Ted: Lily, we can't make this decision for you. It's huge.
Robin: You know what else is huge? Marshall's head. That thing's the size of a late August watermelon. Marshall's baby coming through there? Yowza.
Ted: What does Marshall think?
Robin: Probably lot in that 1950s space helmet of a head he's walking around with.

Robin: Well, of course you think it comes naturally. You're basically a dad already.
Lily: You're a total dad.
Ted: What are you talking about?
Robin: Ted, think about it. You tell super corny dad jokes.
[flashback:]
Ted: Shredded tweet! Oh, man! Shredded tweet.
[flashback:]
Robin: [v.o.] You lecture us. Like when we broke your stupid ship in a bottle.
Ted: I'm not angry. I'm just disappointed.
Barney: She did it!
Robin: Shut up!
[flashback:]
Robin: [v.o.] And you do that thing all dads do with waitresses.
Lori: Hi, I'm Lori. I'll be your waitress this evening.
Ted: Hi, Lori, I'm Ted. I'll be your customer this evening. Hey, Lori, before you go, tell me, what do you get when you cross a canary with a lawn mower? No hints. No hints.
[present:]
Lily: She's right. Ted, you maybe single and childless, but you're totally a dorky dad.
Ted: I don't think I like your tone, young lady.

Lily: She's really kicking your ass here, Mosby. Your only hope is to go negative.
Ted: Okay. I'll tell you why my opponent is saying all this. Three words, scared of babies.
Robin: What? That is crazy. I am not.
Ted: Oh, yeah? Remember that time you met my cousin and her kid?
[flashback:]
Ted: She is so cute!
Robin: [unconvincingy] Aw.
Ted's cousin: Oh, do you want to hold her?
Robin: Aw. [passes the baby right to Ted]
[flashback:]
Ted: [v.o.] Or the baby shower Lily threw for her friend Erika?
Ted: Are you letting that baby sniff you?
Robin: I don't want to get bitten.
[flashback:]
Ted: [v.o.] And don't forget about...
[Robin runs screaming out of the room]
Marshall: Talking baby commercial?
Ted: Talking baby commercial.

Ted: I can't believe we lost her.
Robin: See, this is exactly why I'm never having kids. You can't let them out of your sight for even a second.
[meanwhile, in Marshall's office:]
Marshall: I can't find my file.
Lily: I pulled out "A" through "G." Ag! Aaaaggg.
[back:]
Robin: They just sit there with their stupid bottles.
[Lily is drinking a bottle of wine in Marshall's office]
Robin: They cry.
[Marshall gives Lily the bottle of wine back]
Robin: They spit up.
[Lily throws up in the trash can in Marshall's office]
Robin: And that's why kids suck.

Barney: [to the "Not a Fathers"] Hey, you guys didn't have to... It's a picture of me with no kids. And there's macaroni glued on the frame. Guys, I love it.

Ted: What about those girls over there, they're hot.
Barney: They're not hot.
Lily: Are you kidding? I hated their guts the minute I saw them, which mean they're hot. In fact, I hated them almost as much as I hated Robin when I first met her.
Robin: You hated me?
Lily: A lot.
Robin: Aww. [they hug]

Barney: [answers phone] Barney Stinson. Oh, hi. Got it. Great, we'll be in touch. [hangs up] Huh.
Ted: What?
Barney: Apparently I'm gonna be a dad.

Robin: Fine. But you'd better not be as uptight as these idiots about me shooting beer cans on the roof. "Oh, it hurts my ears. The neighbors called the cops. You almost hit me."
Marshall: Enjoy her, Ted. She's in a real good place right now.