Barney: [praying] God? It's me. Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, though a lot of girls call out your name because of me. Awesome. But, God, if you could get me, out of this, I swear I will never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ev... [cell phone rings] Ooh! Hang on, bro. [answers phone] Go for Barney. Really?
[Barney dances down the street]

Lily: Oh, thank you, guys, for coming over so fast.
Robin: Are you all right? You sounded upset on the phone.
Lily: Marshall and I made this big decision to have... dinner. And I thought I was ready to have... dinner. But then he called and canceled, and... it got me thinking. Is it too early for us to have... dinner?
Ted: Well, I had an early lunch, so I'm ready for dinner.
Lily: Dinner is a baby!
Robin: Lily, that's horrible!

Lily: I'm going to be as strung out as Charlotte. Worse actually. At least her husband works from home. I mean, he's a pot dealer, but he's a very involved parent.

Ted: But you're not like that, Lily. You love kids and they love you.
Lily: Yes, I'm lovable, pretty and wise, but is it enough?

Robin: Look, it all comes down to one word, you. Are you ready to put your own dreams on the back burner? Grad school, teaching art at the college level? Look, you need to focus on Project Lily before you can start Project Baby. If you don't, you'll always regret it. And that wouldn't be fair to you or the baby. What's that?
Lily: It's Jeremy's sock. I'm having a baby.
Robin: But what about all the things I just said?
Lily: [cutesy] Bu... But sock.
Robin: But what about Marshall working all the time?
Lily: But sock.
Robin: But Project Lily!
Lily: Little fishies on it.

Lily: Put a baby in me, Marshall. I'm ready.

Marshall: Lily, what are you doing here?
Lily: I'm ready, Marshall. Tonight's the night. Put your melon-headed spawn in my belly.

Ted: Boy, it is a good thing we broke up. I forgot how totally psycho you are on the kids thing.
Robin: I'm psycho? Any time you even hear the word "kids," you get two little lactation stains on your shirt.
Ted: Thank God you're not a mom. You are such an ice queen. Any baby nursing from you would get brain freeze.

Robin: I'm gonna look for Lily in the bathroom. While I'm in there, I'll grab you a tampon.
Ted: Great, and when you're done shaking off at the urinal, maybe you could ask the wizard to give you a heart.

Barney: Welcome, to our fraternity of non-paternity. He is one of us. [all cheer]