Marshall: Barney, they're hot.
Barney: Oh, there is so much to teach you all. You have just become victims of... The Cheerleader Effect. Glad you asked. The Cheerleader Effect is when a group of women seems hot, but only, as a group. Just like with cheerleaders. They seem hot, but take each one of them individually? Sled dogs.
Ted: That's insane.
Barney: Take a good, hard look at each one of those girls. Individually.
Marshall: I don't know. The one on the end is kind of cute.
Lily: Yeah, she really is.
Barney: Also known as the Bridesmaid Paradox, Sorority Girl Syndrome, and for a brief window in the mid-'90s, the Spice Girls Conspiracy. Scary Spice indeed.

Barney: Marshall, Not a Father's Day is a hit! Laraby and Finklestein are helping me celebrate. Check it. "World's Greatest Not A Dad" mugs. There's, uh... ha! "Who's Not Your Daddy?" Tee-shirts. Both available at NotAFathers Day.Com. Oh, check out the greeting cards.
Marshall: "For everything you do for yourself, For all the scotch upon your shelf, Your Porsche Carrera rules the freeway, Here's wishing you an all night three-way. Happy Not a Father's Day."
Barney: Check out the illustration. No.
Marshall: Oh, it appears to be some sort of Asian hooker.
Barney: Yes. Because on Not a Father's Day, you get a Thai you'd actually wear. Wordplay five!

Ted: What do you mean you're gonna be a dad? How did, how did this happen?
Barney: It was just some girl I hooked up with a few weeks back. She's not sure. She's gonna go to the doctor in the morning.
Lily: Maybe it's a false alarm. Maybe she's not pregnant.
Barney: Lily, no part of Barney Stinson does anything less than 110%. If one of my little Michael Phelpses got loose, he's swimming for the gold.

Barney: Marshall, great news! I'm not a father!
Marshall: Congratulations, buddy.
Barney: This is the happiest moment of my life, Marshall. The way I feel about not having kids? I never knew I could love something this much. That's why I'm creating a holiday. From now on, today will be known as "Not a Father's Day."
Marshall: You're creating a holiday?
Barney: Yeah, why not? Everyone else gets a day: Mothers, Fathers, Bastilles. Why can't there be a day for people who are single and like it that way?
Marshall: Well, now you just sound like the chubby girl on Valentine's Day.

[As Ted and Robin arrive at MacLaren's:]
Robin: Look, don't paint me as some sort of a freak for wanting to remain independent. There are plenty of normal people out there who don't want to have kids.
Barney: Brother, lay your hand on this box of condoms and repeat after me. I, state the fake name
you give to women.
Man: I, Johnny Banana.
Barney: Vow to always choose wet T-shirts over wet diapers.
Man: Vow to always...
Ted: [to Robin] Yeah, you're in great company there.

Barney: Latest Not A Father's Day brainstorm, a pregnancy test, but instead of a little blue line, there's a little, blue Barney going like this. [gives thumbs up]

Robin: We made all of these arguments, and a sock is what makes your decision for you?
Ted: I guess that was the sock-out punch, huh, Robin?
Robin: Shut up, Dad.
Ted: You shut up, baby hater.
Robin: Babies are scary, okay? They have giant eyes. And then, come on, the soft spot? If there's gonna be a self-destruct button, at least hide it somewhere it won't accidentally get pressed.

Barney: I am not impressed with the talent in here tonight. And the more I drink, the less attractive they get. I'm one scotch and soda away from the Cantina scene in Star Wars.

Barney: [singing karaoke] And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon Little Boy Blue and the Man on the Moon. When you comin' home, Dad? [sobbing] I don't know when We'll get together then, son [holding the sock] I'll know we'll have a good time then.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Now, when you turn 30 and you're in a couple, a strange thing happens. You start to see
babies everywhere. Yes, Marshall and Lily were coming down with baby fever. And their new neighbors weren't helping. That night they sat down to have a serious practical discussion about having kids.
Lily: So, if we have a baby, do you think you could work fewer hours?
Marshall: Doesn't matter, he's gonna be so cute, I'm gonna eat him up on the first day.
Lily: Okay. But what about money? We're still in a ton of debt.
Marshall: Oh, well, we'll count our overdue bills on his teeny tiny fingers.