Barney: [on the phone] Ted, you are young, you're single. You'll have so much more fun with me. Do you really want to spend your last night on Earth playing board games with Marshall and Lily?
[in the apartment:]
Marshall: My hands smell weird. Smell this.
Lily: Yeah, they do. That's new.
Ted: [on the phone] I'll be there in five minutes.

Future Ted: [v.o.] So on March 17, 2008, I went to a big St. Patrick's Day party. And it's a good thing I did, because, funny story: your mother was there.

Barney: Hi. Have you met Ted?
Mary: Hi. I'm Mary.
Ted: Hi. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Stephanie: I haven't met Ted, either. I'm Stephanie.
Ted: Hi.
Barney: Dude, back off. I called dibs on Stephanie.
Ted: Okay. Mary's hot.
Barney: Well, then I want Mary.
Ted: Fine.
Barney: Oh, I see. Reverse psychology. Then I'm sticking with Stephanie, Dr. Freud.
Ted: Okay.
Barney: Which one do you want more?
Ted: Either one.
Barney: I want them both.
Ted: You're an idiot.

Ted: And it may be a moot point. I mean, it doesn't look like we're getting in. Look at this. You know why there's a line? It's because I ditched Marshall and Lily, and now the universe is punishing us for it, that's why.
Barney: Yo. What's it gonna cost us to get in, $20? $40?
Ted: Dude, come on, you're making the wee folk look bad. Just give him your pot o' gold.
Bouncer: Is it just you two?
Ted: Don't worry. We're not gonna blow your ratio. We happen to have two very hot girls with us.
Barney: Mine's the hotter one.
Bouncer: Sorry, guys. Look, if it was just you two, you could go in right now. We got nothing but girls in there. People are gonna start thinking it's a lesbian bar.
Barney: Would you excuse us for just a minute?

Ted: All right, hold on. Uh, excuse me? Are the girls in there hotter than our dates?
Bouncer: I don't know if they're hotter, but they're drunker.
Ted: Rock 'n' roll.

Marshall: [carrying Lily] Welcome to your dream home, my lady. [singing]
Lily: All right, all right. You can put me down. Robin thinks we're weird.
Robin: No, it's fine. It was only weird on the subway.

Lily: Oh. I'm gonna check the other rooms to see if the previous owners left us any free stuff.
Marshall: I'm gonna hang our first piece of art. Oh, look, there's already a nail. Hey, Lil, free nail!
Lily: [o.s.] Score!

Ted: Okay, Barney, I think we've stumbled into some kind of ethical, philosophical wormhole.
Barney: [to women] Green suit.
Ted: Yeah. I ditched Marshall and Lily, and was rewarded with two beautiful girls.
Barney: [to women] Suit's made of green.
Ted: We bailed on those two beautiful girls, and now we're being rewarded with a sea of beautiful girls.
Barney: [to women] 38 long.
Ted: It's like the laws of the universe are working in reverse.

Woman: Can you put it on my tab?
Bartender: Yeah. What's the last name?
Woman: Garrido.
Ted: All right, I'm gonna try something, and if this works... Uh, hey.
Bartender: Hey, what can I get you guys?
Ted: A bottle of Dom Perignon, and can you put it on my tab?
Bartender: Sure. What's the name?
Ted: Garrido.
Barney: Dude!
Ted: Oh, uh, yeah, you're right. Uh, make it two bottles.

Ted: Now we wait, see if something good happens... [A woman pinches Ted's behind] Oh! Hello!
Woman: St. Patrick's Day tradition. If you're not wearing green, you got to get pinched.
Ted: Well, I guess I got what I deserved.
Barney: I'm not wearing green, either. This is, um, deep teal. The lighting makes it...