Marshall: Okay, Lily, while you were in the other room, Robin and I, we discovered something about the apartment. It's not a big deal. It's not like a disaster. It's just... It's something that we're going to have to learn to live with. Robin and I saw a ghost.
Lily: What? Oh, he's kidding, right?
Robin: No, we really saw a ghost.
Lily: What did it look like?
Robin: Uh, a sheet with two holes in it.
Marshall: He was a Confederate general who was wounded at the Battle of Antietam, and he died at the army hospital which once stood on this very spot. And now he wanders these halls, vowing revenge against the Union cannonade hat once felled him. But he seems nice. He's a good-good guy.
Lily: Marshall, you see ghosts everywhere. You see ghosts at Starbucks.
Marshall: That Kenny G holiday CD just flew off the shelf.
Robin: Last time that happened.

Lily: Tell me you're messing with me, guys. You didn't actually see a ghost.
Marshall: It's not a big deal, baby. He seemed friendly.
Lily: You said he's a Confederate general. They're the bad guys. And he's probably racist.
Marshall: No, he seemed polite. He had courtly Southern manners.
Lily: We're gonna raise our kids here. I don't want some Confederate general ghost teaching them his racism.
Marshall: He loves people of all colors and creeds. He was fighting for states' rights, that's all.
Lily: Robin said he was wearing a sheet. What do you think that means?

Robin: The apartment is crooked!
Lily: What?
Marshall: Robin and I didn't see a ghost.
Lily: The floor is crooked, isn't it?
Marshall: Yeah.
Lily: We spent our entire life's savings on this floor. The next 30 mortgage-paying years of our lives will be spent on this floor, and it's crooked. [sobs]
Marshall: Thanks a lot, Robin.
Robin: How is "racist ghost" better than "crooked"? Seriously, somebody tell me how that's better.

Ted: Um, dude, so, I'm having second thoughts about that theory.
Barney: I'm telling you, if you want to know how old a woman is, check her elbows.
Ted: Not that theory.
Barney: You have to be more specific, Ted, 'cause I have so many theories.

Lily: We're gonna have to nail down all our furniture.
Marshall: We won't be able to get a pinball machine. I mean, unless we put some books under two of the legs or something. But then what if we want to read those books?
Lily: This is a nightmare. We can't raise our kids here. They'll grow up slanted.
Marshall: If we have a daughter, we'll have to call her Eileen.

Barney: Ted, I'm gonna be honest. I was full of it with that whole Nostradamus thing.
Ted: No.
Barney: But I am starting to think there is some serious planetary crap going on here tonight. Never in the history of New York City nightclubs has there been a shortage of dudes, not even during the Great Dude Shortage of 1883. We got to ditch these girls.
Ted: But you dragged them all the way down here.
Barney: I don't see no ring on this finger.

Ted: That was hard to listen to.
Marshall: No one likes how they sound on an answering machine.
Ted: Thanks for doing that. You yelled at me. You got very firm with me. Very confident. It was cool.
Marshall: Thanks.
Ted: You're very sexy when you yell, Marshall.
Marshall: Shut up.
Ted: Veins, crazy muscles in your neck. You look like a Kentucky Derby-winning steed.
Marshall: You're ruining a nice moment.
Ted: At one point, I swear, I thought we were gonna kiss.
Marshall: Ted, seriously. I'm married.

Barney: What are you gonna do instead?
Marshall: We just got the keys to our new apartment, so we're gonna go over there and hang up that painting, have board game night. You're welcome to join us if you want.
Barney: Board game night? Board game night. Come on! Let's drink green beer. Let's do green Jell-O shots! Where's your St. Patty's Day spirit?!

Barney: All right, fine. You know what? I'll celebrate St. Patty's Day by myself. I don't need you people. You make me physically ill. [exits]
Lily: He did look a little green.

Marshall: [answers phone] Hello? Hey, happy St. Patty's Day! How are you? Yeah, I haven't talked to you forever.
Lily: Who is it?
Marshall: It's Ted's butt.
Ted: Ah, damn it! My phone keeps pocket-dialing. That's, like, the eighth time today. In fairness, I did call Ted's butt at, like, 2:00 this afternoon.
Lily: It took long enough to call you back.