Ted: Uh, I'm Ted.
Ashlee: Ashlee with two "e"s.
Barney: Please. "C"s at most.

Ted: Okay, it's official: do bad things, good things happen.
Barney: Ssh. [eyes closed] Ted, listen. Are you hearing that? That's the universe. The universe is talking to us.
Ted: We don't have to build a baseball field, do we?
Barney: No. The universe is telling us that we have a free pass tonight. The universe is saying that we don't have to live in fear of the... Are you still there?
Ted: Yeah, I'm here.
Barney: ...of the repercussions of our actions. There is no waiting for tomorrow, because do you know why, Ted? [opens eyes] There is no tomorrow.

Lily: But, Robin, you're a skeptic, so if you say you saw a ghost...
[Marshall pleads with Robin]
Robin: It passed right through me, and suddenly I felt cold, so very cold.

Ted: You know, Ashlee, I'm sorry. You're probably just gonna want to get up and walk away, but I just have to test out this theory I've been working on. Tonight, I am not looking for a relationship. I really just want to hook up with you, leave before breakfast, and never see you again.
Ashlee: I'm in.
Ted: Unbelievable.

Barney: Hot damn, that's a deep navel. No tomorrow, Ted.
Ted: Yeah, no tomorrow, Barney.
Ashlee: No tomorrow, huh? I like that idea. Because if there is a tomorrow, I'm gonna be in a lot of trouble.
Ted: Oh, yeah? Why is that?
Ashlee: I'm married. [Ashlee kisses Ted]

Lily: I don't think we can live here, Marshall. I don't know what we're gonna do.
Robin: Marshall? Open the door. [gets up and grabs skateboard] If I make it through the door, that's five points. Woo-hoo! [o.s.] Five points.
Lily: Ten bucks says I can do it backwards.
Future Ted: [v.o.] So Lily and Marshall decided to make the best of a bad situation. And that's also how the sport of Apartment Roller Luge was invented.

Barney: So she's married? It's not like she has kids.
Ted: How do you know?
Barney: Wrists. It's like you don't even listen to me.

Man: We have a problem.
Barney: Hey, hey. Hey. Hey. [runs away]
Ted: Is this your husband?
Ashlee: I've never seen this man in my life.
Ted: Oh, okay. Uh, what's our problem?
Man: Rick. Rick Garrido. According to the bartender, I'm the guy that's been buying you champagne all night.
Ted: Okay, there's-there's a very simple explana... [Rick punches Ted in the face]
[the morning after, Ted has a black eye and a lisp:]
Ted: Next thing I know the police show up, they arrest the other guy, and I'm drinking for free the rest of the night. It was awesome.

Marshall: You don't see anything wrong with that story?
Ted: Well, I lost my new phone back at the club somewhere.
Marshall: What the hell is wrong with you, dude?
Ted: You know me, I lose things.
Marshall: You kissed a married woman, Ted. You committed credit card fraud. You... You kissed a married woman. Do you know how offensive that is to me? You're turning into Barney. We don't need another Barney.

Future Ted: [v.o.] And then last night started coming back to me. The real version. Kids, it's sometimes possible to think you're doing just fine in life... And then someone opens your eyes a little bit, and you realize... Your whole world is off balance. Out of whack. Crooked.