Barney: So really, really, you're not mad?
Loretta: No, I'm just confused. I don't know why you thought you had to do this. Barney, I love you, perfect family or no perfect family. I love you no matter what.
Barney: Really?
Loretta: Really.
Barney: I am so relieved because the truth is I am as far from married as a human being can possibly be. My history with women would shock and appall you.
Loretta: Doesn't matter. I still love you.
Barney: Seriously, you can't imagine the things I have done.
Loretta: Barney, when you were three, I left you with a babysitter and spent three weeks with Grand Funk Railroad being passed around like a bong.
Barney: Mommy!
Loretta: Just do me a favor. If you ever do meet someone special, don't run away from it. Don't be me. Take a shot at it, will you?
Robin: Hey, Barney. Cab's here.
Barney: I'll try.

Barney: Don't do this, Robin. You can't win the egg war.
Loretta: Canadian scrambled eggs, how quaint. Does your mom put maple syrup on them?

Loretta: That's it! We need your omelet station. My son's fiancée is about to get served... some delicious scrambled eggs.

Barney: Mom, can you give us a sec?
Loretta: Oh, okay. There's chocolate and butterscotch. [leaving]
Barney: Okay, just...
Loretta: There are various kinds of sprinkles and marshmallows.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Over the next couple of days, Barney and Robin continued to be happier than ever. And Marshall and Lily continued to fight.
Marshall: I don't care if the dishes aren't done. Okay, if you care, you do it.
Lily: Great. Then I don't care if you have an orgasm. If you care, you do it.
Marshall: I went 18 years without the touch of a woman. I can do it again.
Lily: You might have to.

Ted: Yeah, sorry we didn't stay as laser-focused as you guys.
Lily: Hey, at least I got some evidence.
[flashback:]
Lily: Look what I found in Quinn's bedroom. Barney's taking her to Hawaii.
Marshall: Lily, you snooped through her stuff?
Lily: No. It's like the first thing you see when you jimmy open her desk drawer with a letter opener her grandfather left her, according to her diary.

Barney: Robin, when I said be honest and say what's bothering you, I meant stuff it, never do anything. How'd you not get that?
Robin: It's fine. He's a grown-up.
[door opens]
Loretta: What did you do to my little boy?
[thunder crashes]
Barney: Hi, Mom.

Loretta: Well, I'd better leave now before I lose any more of my dignity. The likelihood of which is increasing every moment in this very chilly room.

Robin: Here's your blouse back. Is there any way we could just, um, forget about all this?
Loretta: No, dear, you keep the blouse. Think of it as your consolation prize.
Robin: Consolation prize?
Loretta: You won the battle, but I'll win the war.
Robin: Game on, bitch.

Loretta: Listen, Robin.
Lily: Loretta, not now. Robin just found out her mom's not coming to the wedding.
[Loretta hugs Robin]
Robin: Oh. Well, uh, okay. Loretta...
Loretta: My name's Mom. Don't you ever call me anything else. I'm Mom.
Robin: Okay. Mom.
Loretta: I'm sorry. Sometimes I get... [Robin hugs Loretta back] ...carried away.
Robin: Your eggs are great, by the way.