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How I Met Your Mother: Last Time in New York

‘Last Time in New York’

Season 9, Episode 3 -  Aired September 30, 2013

Lily discovers a list of all the things Ted wants to do one last time before he leaves New York. Meanwhile, Barney and Robin try to find a naughty place to have sex at the inn, while avoiding their elderly relatives.

Quote from Ted

Lily: "Come clean about April 26th." What happened April 26th?
Ted: Uh, ha, ha... Can you believe people used to swim in those? "Meet me at Coney Island, see. I'll be doing the Charleston atop my giant-wheeled bicycle in an era where folks inexplicably talked like this." Ha, ha.

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Quote from Lily

Ted: Look, I'm really sorry.
Lily: No, it's not good enough. Since I'm being forced to wear something I don't want to, you should have to wear something you don't want to.
[later, Ted walks into the bar wearing the old-timey swim costume:]
Ted: Why am I the only one being punished? Marshall's just as responsible as I am.
Lily: Yeah, but he's in the middle of Wisconsin. How am I gonna punish...?
[elsewhere, Daphne takes a photograph of Marshall decked out in Green Bay Packers merchandise and wearing a large block of cheese on his head.]
Daphne: Say, "Cheese."
Man: Go, Pack, go.
Marshall: [to the heavens] I'm sorry, Dad.

Quote from James

Barney: You avoiding the family too?
James: I'm gay, I'm black and I'm getting a divorce. Those walking skeletons are gonna have more questions for me than their pharmacists. Ha, ha. But they're family and I love them.
Robin: The greatest generation.
Barney: Smother me before I'm that age.

Quote from Barney

Robin: You check the second floor for open rooms. I'm gonna check the gym.
Barney: No, no, no, that gym has a sauna. You know my Papa Sid can't go 10 minutes without a schvitz. What about the gazebo out back?
Robin: Next to the lawn-bowling court? Get you head out of your ass. It looks like they're casting Cocoon 3 out there. What about the business center?
Barney: A room full of computers? Perfect. Technology is their compression-sock-covered Achilles' heel.

Quote from Lily

Robin: "Have a drink with my favorite students." Lily, you taught kindergarten.
Ted: That does seem pretty irrespons... [Lily slaps Ted]
Robin: "Come clean about April 26th." You told Ted about our sword fight?
Ted: Wait, you guys had a sword fight?
Lily: Maybe a tiny one. I was pretending to be Mandy Patinkin. [echoing] Patinkin. But it was no big deal.
Robin: No big deal? We destroyed their 30-year Glen McKenna and replaced it with cheap booze, ketchup, and hand sani.
Ted: I knew it.
Lily: You knew nothing!

Quote from Robin

Robin: Still, when you think about it, married for 60 years and they still wanna jump each other's bones. I mean, it's kind of sweet.
Barney: In 60 years, that'll be us, right?
Robin: Yeah. It will. So, what do you think? Hmm? On the count of three?
Barney: Mm. Okay.
Robin: Okay.
Both: One, two, three. Mandy Patinkin.

Quote from Barney

Barney: That's the shuttle with our elderly relatives pulling up. There's nine steps between the bus and that door. That means, we've only got about 45 minutes until they get inside.
Robin: We won't have a moment to ourselves once those old bastards latch onto us like leeches. But they're family and I love them.
Barney: Ha, ha. Our living link to history.

Quote from Robin

Robin: Oh, God, this is gonna be rough. My great-grandparents never stop bickering. But I guess that's what happens when you've been married for 60 years.
Barney: Sixty years. Man, when was the last time you think they had sex?
Robin: Probably not since the Maple Leafs won the Cup. Ha, ha. 1967.
Barney: That's not gonna be us, right? Like, when we get married, it's not all fighting, no sex?
Robin: What? No. Hey, it's us. R-Train and B-Nasty. That will never happen. [they kiss]
Both: We have to have sex right now. Aw.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: [on the phone] Okay, Lily, I have to go. I have to alert the villagers that there is a Viking amongst them. [blowing horn]
Ted: Marshall's driving through Wisconsin?
Lily: Yup.

Quote from Ted

Lily: Can I take a peek at your speech?
Ted: No, uh...
Lily: "Have a drink with my favorite students. See one last sunset over the Hudson." Ted, your speech sucks.
Ted: Well, it's no "mouth words, memory times." But if you must know, it's, uh... It's not a speech.
Lily: What is it then?
Future Ted: [v.o.] A week before the wedding, I realized I couldn't stay in New York any longer. So I decided to start fresh in Chicago.
Ted: It's a list of all the things I wanna do before I leave New York.

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