Barney: Amazing! It was like a diamond suit for my soul. I gotta keep going. I gotta do more.
Ted: No. No. I cannot go back to that strip club. I've seen some things.
Barney: I'm not going back either. I'm takin' the rest of my bonus to God's strip club.
Future Ted: [v.o.] The next day, he paid a visit to the most charitable man he knew, his half-brother's father... Sam Gibbs, a minister at a church out on Long Island.
Barney: Sam... Uh, Father. l-I don't mean Father Father. Unless...
Sam: What's up, Barney?
Barney: I'm thinking about giving some money to charity.
Sam: Is that the name of the stripper you been e-mailing me about? You gotta take me off that list, Barney.
Barney: No, I don't mean that Charity. That Charity is doin' Peachy. You'll see pics of the two of 'em in next week's e-mail. What up!
Sam: Barney, I'm a minister. Unsubscribe.

Barney: And there's more. Do you still do that thing where you give people in need clothes for job interviews?
Sam: Yeah. Why?
Barney: Bring 'em in, boys.
[A team of delivery guys bring in racks of Barney's suits]
Barney: Merry Christmas.
Sam: Thank you, son.
Barney: Son?
Sam: It's just an expression. I'm still not your dad.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, this is the story of the 36 hours we all thought Lily was pregnant and how it caused each of us to reexamine our own lives.

Ted: [on the phone] Yeah, Punchy, I've given this some serious thought. I think I know how we can crush these floral arrangements.
Punchy: Oh, here it comes. Hit me up, Schmos.
Ted: Peonies, lavender blossoms with a halo of baby's breath for an ambiance of springtime rejuvenation. Crushed it!
Punchy: That's exactly the accent of whimsy this celebration of love needs!
Ted: It's gonna be a magical day.

Ted: I know what you're thinkin'. "I wish I was a dude."
Robin: I do wish you were a dude.
Ted: Because if I was a dude, I could have Ted Mosby as my best man.
Robin: No. And here's why. Ted, the best man's job is not to crush the floral arrangements. It's to get the groom down the aisle. Because no matter who he is, he will freak out. And I just don't think you have what it takes to get that soldier to pick up his rifle and charge up the hill.
Ted: Uh, are you forgetting? I've done this before. I was Marshall's best man.
Robin: And how did that go again?
[flashback to Marshall shaving his head right before his wedding]
Robin: 0 for 1.
Ted: Oh, come on. That wasn't my fault. And need I remind you, I gave a beautiful toast.
Robin: Ted.
[replay of Marshall shaving his head]
Robin: O, do you take One to be your lawfully wedded wife? Oh, God, I'm freakin' out. Why did I choose Ted to be my best man?

Ted: Uh, yeah, it's hard to take criticism from someone who just recorded seven episodes of Million Dollar Heads or Tails. Kids, Million Dollar Heads or Tails was an extremely popular show... with an extremely simple premise.
[Million Dollar Heads or Tails:]
Alex Trebek: All right, your practice flip came up tails but our Vegas oddsmaker tells us that the next toss is still just 50-50. And so, Jordan, for one million dollars... heads or tails?
Audience: Tails! Heads! Tails!
Jordan: What was the year of the coin again?

Ted: You're the new coin flip bimbo?
Robin: Currency rotation specialist.
Ted: Robin, you better check yourself... before you Trebek yourself.

Ted: You're a journalist. What is the matter with you?
Robin: It's a national audience. I get to wear shiny dresses.
Ted: Robin, have you forgotten about your New Year's resolution?
[flashback:]
Robin: I'm never drinking again.
[present:]
Ted: No, before that.
[flashback:]
Robin: I am gonna finish this whole bottle tonight.
[present:]
Ted: Before that too.
[flashback:]
Robin: I moved here to work for a big-time cable news channel like World Wide News. Well, by this time next year... I will be wearing a World Wide News I.D. badge around my neck. And to show you that I'm serious... this is my first and only drink of the night.
Ted: Okay.
Robin: Oh, damn, that's smooth.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Now, kids, when your friends have great news, you're happy for them... for, like, a millisecond. And then you start thinking about yourself.
Robin: [inner monologue] Oh, my God. They're really having a baby. What am I doing with my life? Starting Monday, I'm a currency rotation sp... Oh, who am I kidding? I'm a coin flip bimbo. And I'm still single. Okay, let's not go there, Scherbatsky. That's a whole other thing. I gotta take that World Wide News job.

Future Ted: [v.o.] And so the next night, we had two things to celebrate.
Robin: Well, you are looking at the new associate researcher at World Wide News.
Marshall: Oh, my gosh! That's amazing news.
Ted: What changed your mind?
Robin: Marshall and Lily. I just realized that I am about to have a little niece who looks up to me... and I don't wanna be sad Aunt Robin, the aging coin flip bimbo who gives her the creeps. I wanna be cool Aunt Robin, the respected journalist who gives her beer.
Lily: What?
Robin: What? Oh...