Ted: You took the Heads or Tails job?
Robin: Yeah.
Ted: What about World Wide News? Your I.D. badge? You made a New Year's resolution.
Robin: Okay, I also said I would never make out with a garbageman. Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.

Robin: What's with the gingerbread house?
Ted: We're seeing a Christmas movie. It's a Christmas-themed movie snack.
Robin: Let's hope Santa brings you a girlfriend this year, Teddy.

Marshall: Big announcement.
Ted: Let me guess. You got a huge bonus check too.
Marshall: No, just a $30 gift card to Costa Coffee.
Ted: Thirty?

Barney: [inner monologue] Huh. Marshall and Lily are doing something meaningful... and it's making me less happy about this bonus. And I'm still single. At least I got that goin'for me. So why do I still feel outside of awesome looking in? What am I doing with my life?

Barney: l... I recently started giving and it felt surprisingly good. I wanna do more.
Sam: Well, now you're talking. We have this program that helps those in need get back on their feet. We give them food, a place to live, clothes for job interviews.
Barney: Well, I would love to help by writing a check... for one-zero-zero-zero...zero... [phone chimes] Whoops.
Hold on a second.
Barney: [inner monologue] Wait. They're not doing something meaningful with their lives. Well, this changes everything. Oh, no. I've already written four zeros. Thank you, decimal point.
Barney: $100.00.
Sam: That's great. Thank you, Barney.

Barney: Diamond suited up. Hey, Ted, can you spot me for the movie? I don't like to carry a lot of cash on me.

Ted: What happened to giving the money away?
Barney: That was back when Lily was pregnant. Now she's not. Ergo, a suit is born. Dude, what's up with the gingerbread house? You look ridiculous.
Ted: It's a Christmas-themed movie snack.
Barney: Oh, I know that move. You cut a hole in the floor, she reaches into the living room, finds the tree. [singing] O Holy Night... Nice!

Marshall: [inner monologue] This is great. I'm happy. I'm so happy my heart's pounding. And I'm sweating. And I can't breathe. This is what happiness feels like, right? Oh, crap. Lily's having a baby, and I'm having a panic attack. I hope she can't tell what I'm thinking right now.
Lily: [telepathically] I can. And I'm freaking out tool There's an alien growing in my stomach that's gonna explode out of my vaginal
Marshall: Do you think the others can tell we're freakin' out?
Robin: [inner monologue] What am I doing with my life?
Barney: [inner monologue] What am I doing with my life?
Ted: [inner monologue] I should get a Christmas-themed movie snack for tomorrow night.
Marshall: [telepathically] They're totally on to us. What do we do?
Lily: [telepathically] Just keep smiling. Maybe wave. No, don't wave. That makes no sense.
Marshall: [telepathically] I'm committed. I'm riding this wave straight to hell.
Lily: [telepathically] Let's leave. Then the waving will make sense.

Marshall: This is a nightmare!We've done everything wrong!
Lily: [gasps] The iPod was on shuffle! The Jerky Boys. Our baby heard The Jerky Boys!
Marshall: The Jerky Boys are funny.
Lily: The Jerky Boys aren't funny! They are awful!
Marshall: Fine. If you don't think The Jerky Boys are funny, then I'm not sure that I can raise a child with you, liver lips!

Lily: Marshall, I don't like this.
Marshall: I know. Okay? I don't like it either. It's like I have a hot, burning ball of stress in my chest... and nothing will make it go away!
[later, in a doctor's office:]
Doctor: You're not pregnant.
Marshall: Well, that did it.
Doctor: I know this probably comes as quite a disappointment.
Marshall: ... Yeah. Huge bummer.
Lily: So disappointing.