Ted: What the hell has gotten into you two? When did you become so nauseating?
Barney: Isn't it great to finally see her fulfilled emotionally, spiritually and sexually?
Ted: Um, I dated her for a year.
Barney: Yeah.

Barney: What happened to the "I'm tired after my draining day and I want to use my leftover energy showering you with love" argument?
Marshall: I should have written that down.
[flashback to Marshall and Lily in their kitchen:]
Marshall: Look, Lily, I... I make more money than you.
Lily: Excuse me?
Marshall: Dance for me.
[present:]
Barney: Oh, Marshall.
Ted: Dude.

Marshall: It all made so much sense when you said it, but when I said it, it turned into a fight. And once Lily and I start fighting, the fight starts to mutate and multiply.
[flashback to Marshall and Lily now arguing in the living room:]
Marshall: [v.o.] Sure, it started with the dishes, but then...
Lily: So you're saying that you shouldn't have to wash dishes because you work harder than me?
Marshall: Okay, that's not what I'm saying, but it's true.
Marshall: [v.o.] And then all of a sudden, we're also fighting about who works harder.
Lily: I teach kindergarten. I am molding the future leaders of tomorrow.
Marshall: You eat cookies and glue stuff.
Marshall: [v.o.] And soon more fights spin off.
Marshall: I can't believe you'd rather be killed...
Marshall: [v.o.] Until there are more fights going on than you can even keep track of.
Lily: If you need to go in the middle of the night, either turn the bathroom light on or sit down.
Marshall: My mother does not hate you. She is neutral about you. I am not scared of your Shining impression. I just don't need to hear it, especially at night.
Lily: "Danny's not here, Mrs. Torrance."
Marshall: Please don't do that.
[present:]
Marshall: Man, Lily fights dirty. She's small but vicious, like a badger that your brothers caught and starved for five days and then put in your sleeping bag.

Marshall: He's right.
Ted: No! Barney's stupid ideas are what got you into this quagmire. There's no exit strategy. Just wash your stupid dishes.
Marshall: No! Those dishes are my manhood. And if I want to leave my manhood dirty in the sink, caked with ketchup and pasta...
Barney: What are you eating?
Marshall: Then damn it, that's my right! I'll wash my manhood when I'm good and ready!

Future Ted: [v.o.] Over the next couple of days, Barney and Robin continued to be happier than ever. And Marshall and Lily continued to fight.
Marshall: I don't care if the dishes aren't done. Okay, if you care, you do it.
Lily: Great. Then I don't care if you have an orgasm. If you care, you do it.
Marshall: I went 18 years without the touch of a woman. I can do it again.
Lily: You might have to.

Marshall: I don't know what to do. Lily and I have never had a fight this long. It's like I don't even exist. On Sunday morning, she made pancake, Ted. Pancake and bacon strip.

Marshall: Well, she obviously likes them now. And come on, somebody had to put an end to T-Mose.
Ted: No, T-Mose was awesome. I'm thinking of bringing it back.

Marshall: Bagpiping sounds a little different today. It's all echo-y.
Ted: Yeah. They're in the bathroom. I think they're bagpiping on the shower chair.

Ted: Okay, enough. The jig is up.
Barney: Ted, whatever do you mean?
Robin: Who's this guy?
Ted: We'll get to that. You see, I knew something was wrong. You two were too happy, too shiny, too nickname-y. Didn't add up. You two never fight? Horse apples. You fight all the time.
Robin: How would you know that?
Ted: Phil told me.
Barney: Who the hell is Phil?
Ted: Your downstairs neighbor.
Phil: Hi. I'm Phil. 12 B.
Ted: And he's heard everything.

Ted: So Phil tells me that Ro-Ro and the Barnstormer have been fighting a lot. Care to explain?
Barney: Okay. Everything was going great. Our no-fighting techniques were working perfectly until we went on that ski trip last weekend.
[flashback to Barney and Robin on a ski lift:]
Barney: Hmm. So I showed Marshall that Lily's argument was bananas and now he'll never have to wash another dish. High two.
Robin: Uh, that's terrible advice.
Barney: What? You agree with Lily? You...
[The ski lift breaks down]
Barney: [inner monologue] Oh, no. We're about to get in a fight, and I can't run away.
Robin: [inner monologue] I can't take my clothes off. It's freezing up here. I'd get hypothermia.
Barney: [inner monologue] Maybe I can jump it?
Robin: [inner monologue] Maybe just my pants?
Barney: This no-fighting thing is over, huh?
Robin: I think so.
[They start to bicker]