Marshall: I should just go home and apologize.
Barney: No. What you need is a surge. Fight harder. Picture it, Marshall, never having to wash another dish as long as you live, yet all the dishes are always clean. Why, this would take all the anxiety out of snacking. No more holding open your shirt to form a makeshift bowl for your salty treats. That world is yours, Marshall. Reach out, take it. Dip it in some ranch dressing, enjoy.

Marshall: Okay, call me crazy.
Ted: Crazy.
Marshall: But when a problem comes up, Lily and I actually talk about it.
Barney: There are so many great things to do with the human mouth. Why waste it on talking?

Barney: But if you insist, here's what I would say about the dishes, if I were Lily's husband.
[fantasy scene of Barney returning home to Lily:]
Lily: Barney, you're home! [kisses Barney]
[present:]
Marshall: Dude. Get to the point!
Barney: All right.
[fantasy:]
Barney: [drinks] Thanks, doll. Ah!
Lily: Sweetie, are you going to wash that?
Barney: I'm glad you bring that up. No. And here's why. [Lily sits on Barney's lap] Lily, I know you don't like a dirty sink, but does that make it my job to keep it clean? I mean, if one day I look up at the living room ceiling and think, " Hey, I'd like a replica of the Sistine Chapel up there." Would it be your job to paint it?
Lily: Well, no. Of course not.
Barney: Exactly! So, baby, by the same logic, if you don't like looking at a sink full of dishes, shouldn't it be your job to clean them?
Lily: Wow. Thanks for explaining that. I get so confused.
Barney: That's because you're a woman. [both laugh]
Lily: I don't even know why we're laughing!
Barney: Of course you don't.

Ted: You're kidding me with this.
Marshall: Hang on, Ted. Let's hear the man out.
Barney: Once I have her attention, it's time to bring out the big guns.
[fantasy scene of Barney and Lily sitting on a couch:]
Barney: Look, I love you. But, baby, with the little energy I have left after work, I want to shower you with love, not wash some silly dishes.
Lily: You're right. I'll do the dishes. Right after I do this. [sultry music plays]
Barney: Oh. Oh, yeah. Now turn around.
[in the present, Barney stands up and puts his hands forward as he imagines feeling Lily up]
Barney: Firm. Oh, yeah.
Ted: Are you going to hit him or should I?

Marshall: He's right.
Ted: No, he's not. Marshall, look at me. Do not get drawn into Barney Stinson's circus tent of funhouse mirrors and flawed logic. This is exactly how you got the earring back in '03.
Barney: Hey, that earring looked cool.
Marshall: It did look cool, didn't it?
Ted: Marshall, stay with me! Barney is wrong.
Marshall: No, he isn't. I hate doing my dishes right away.
Ted: You just said you don't mind!
Marshall: I hate it, Ted! I hate it with a boundless, burning fury. I hate it. I hate it, I hate it!
Barney: You're welcome.

Ted: Oh, good. There you are. You'll tell me the truth. Barney says that you two never fight.
Robin: Oh! I guess that's true.
Barney: Told you.
Ted: No way. I love you both, but you are the two most emotionally ill-equipped individuals in the history of relationships. You two must have had at least one fight.
Robin: You know what? We did.
Ted: Aha!
Robin: Mmm-hmm. There was one small dispute about which one of us was more awesome. We just called it a tie and had sex.

Barney: Okay, we all have our assignments for the weekend. Ted, you're going to stand up to your neighbors. Marshall, you're going to stand up to Lily. And Robin, I'm gonna need you in sort of a crouched position on the bear-skin rug at our ski chalet. Ready? Break!

Ted: Okay, two more times. It's a bad idea.
Marshall: Listen, Barney lays out some logical points. Lily is a reasonable woman. I think that if I explain it to her, she'll get it and I'll get my way.
Ted: No. She'll get mad, and you'll get in a huge fight.
Marshall: Slap bet?
Ted: Slap bet.

Lily: Baby, could you wash your dishes?
Marshall: Lily, I'm glad that you bring that up.
[cut to Marshall arriving at Ted's apartment with a pillow and a bag:]
Marshall: Can I stay here tonight?
[Ted slaps Marshall across the face]
Ted: I'll make up the sofa, buddy.

Robin: The ski bunnies are back!
Ted: Hey, guys. How was your trip?
Barney: So perfect.
Robin: We spent the whole weekend cuddling by the fire. No black diamonds, but a lot of red hearts.