Tim: I didn't know you and Jean were having any trouble.
Bud: Yeah, we just stopped talking to each other. There's nothing more important in a marriage than communication.
Tim: Is there any chance of you guys getting back together?
Bud: About as much chance as you getting through Tool Time without a fire or flood.
Tim: It doesn't look too good, does it?

Bud: I took my marriage for granted and now I'm having to pay the price. Do you know what it's like to go home to an 18-room mansion and there's no one to share it with but your domestic staff?
Tim: Can't say as I do, Bud.
Bud: Well, let me tell you, Tim, it's no fun.

Tim: Bud, I-I can't do Tool Time without Al. Everybody loves Al.
Bud: Oh, no, no, no, not everybody. Now, we did some audience testing and the numbers show that Al is a big dud with the younger viewers.
Tim: I don't put much stock in audience testing.
Bud: Well, now, you tested through the roof.
Tim: On the other hand, it's quite a valuable tool.
Bud: Oh, audiences love you. Of course, they don't love you as much as they love Heidi.
Tim: Yeah, that's funny. You're not kidding? Heidi tested better than me?
Bud: Heidi tested better than Santa Claus.

Bud: Uh, now, Tim. I need to talk to you about your show. I had my people study the ratings and I don't like what they told me.
Tim: Well, can I call you Bud?
Bud: Absolutely.
Tim: You shouldn't listen to what your people say because my people give me the wrong information all the time.
Bud: According to my people, you don't have people.

Tim: Um, I don't care much about your testing, really, because Al is a big hit with the seniors, okay. You go to any early-bird special in this city, you hear people talking about Al Borland.
Bud: Yeah, but that's the problem. The senior crowd has already bought their tools. We need new viewers who are hip, not viewers who need a new hip.

Bud: Tim, listen to me, I'm giving you the chance of a lifetime. You can make a lot more money and be a star. Look, I want you to go toe-to-toe with Bob Vila and crush him like a bug.
Tim: [grunting] Crush him like a bug. More coffee!
Bud: Yeah. You like that, don't you?
Tim: Yeah, crush him like a bug.
Bud: Yeah.
Tim: Yeah!
Bud: Then you know what you gotta do?
Tim: Yeah! What?
Bud: Fire Al.
Tim: You want me to fire Al?
Bud: Well, I can't do it. My grandmother loves Al.

Bud: Oh, boy! This is what bowling's all about. No food, no wives and no going home until I beat you.
[Tim throws a gutter ball]
Bud: Did my wife tell you what happened to the vice president who threw the game?
Tim: Wearing a turban?
Bud: Fez.

Al: Well, the truth is, when Tim makes fun of my weight, and my wearing flannel... You know, he says he's just joking, but I think he has an underlying resentment toward me.
Dr. Emory: Tim, would you like to respond to that?
Tim: No.
Bud: I gotta say, you're kind of rough on Al. Personally, I think that's why his mom overeats.

Tim: Well, Jill didn't have all that much fun, and I'm not going to ask her to do it again. Even if it means me going to Pakistan and doing Turban Time.
Bud: Pakistan?
Tim: Yeah. Jean told me all about that last vice president. Beat you in bowling, you shipped him off to Pakistan.
Bud: Ah. Oh. Did she also tell you it was her idiot brother who was embezzling money from the company?
Tim: I think she might have left out that little detail.
Bud: Uh-huh. I built that plant in Pakistan so we'd have a place to send him.
Tim: So you're not the type of guy to hold a grudge against someone who beat you.
Bud: Of course not. I'm a better businessman than that.
Tim: In that case, I got some ideas I want to run by you about Binford and my future.
Bud: Well, I want to hear them. Call my secretary and make an appointment, OK? Oh, oh, wait a minute. I sent her to Pakistan, too.

Bud: I should have been more open-minded when she wanted to get help. Now I'm a lonely, lonely desperate man.
Tim: Bud, Bud, Bud, you're not desperate.
Bud: Yes, I am.
Tim: No, you're not.
Bud: Yeah. Oh. Hey, Al, you and your mother doing anything tonight?
Al: Just bingo at the senior center. You want to come?
Bud: Love to.
Al: Great.
Tim: [grunts] You can't get more desperate than that.