Luke: What is this?
Lorelai: You know, they shouldn't be allowed to put just anything into a martini glass. Martinis should go into a martini glass. Gin martinis, vodka martinis, period. That's it.
Luke: Do you know what this is?
Lorelai: It's raw fish. Dip it in soy sauce and swallow it real quick. We were gonna drink martinis. The rat pack drank martinis. James Bond drank martinis. You know, it's the sweet drinks that really kill you. It's the sugar that gives you the hangover, that makes you throw up.
Luke: 'Cause no one's ever thrown up from a martini before.

Lorelai: What's wrong, Dad?
Richard: You know what's wrong. Rory's wrong. It's all wrong. She's not going back to Yale. It's my fault.
Lorelai: Rory made a choice, dad.
Richard: I could've stopped her, and I didn't. I cleared the path for her to walk away from her goal, her life.
Lorelai: Dad.
Richard: She's having sex, Lorelai. She's having sex under my roof. I paid $40,000 to redecorate her sex house. I bought her her sex mattress, her sex box springs. I provided everything she needs to waste her life.
Lorelai: Dad, Rory having sex is not your fault, really. She was having sex way before the big renovation.
Richard: I feel so much better now.

Lorelai: What about Rory?
Richard: I don't like what I see in that girl.
Lorelai: My eyes?
Richard: She's lost focus. She's drifting, aimless. You know she's joined the DAR?
Lorelai: I saw the picture in the paper.
Richard: She's running around, planning tea parties like she's the Mad Hatter. All she talks about are seating charts and canapes and fund-raisers... and that boy.
Lorelai: You mean Logan?
Richard: She's heading in the wrong direction, and I don't like it. Now, I've thought long and hard about this, and I've come to a decision. We need a plan.
Lorelai: But- [exhales] We- I had a plan. You changed the plan. Plan's gone, baby.
Richard: I don't appreciate your tone.
Lorelai: Apparently the proper tone went out with the plan.

Richard: Do you understand what I'm saying? Rory's not headed back to school.
Lorelai: Not yet, anyhow.
Richard: Not yet? Not now, not ever. Listen to me for just a moment. We can fix this. First of all, I can change the terms of Rory's trust fund. Currently, she's set to receive it when she turns 25, but I say we tell her it's contingent on her returning to Yale.
Lorelai: Dad.
Richard: Or we can use the opposite approach, if you think it's better. Maybe we offer her a car or the down payment on a town house. Or I'll buy her the town house. Don't you see? If there's something in it for her, maybe we can get her to change her mind.
Lorelai: Thank you for the dollhouse, Dad. It's greatly appreciated.
Richard: I don't believe this. Aren't you listening to me?
Lorelai: Uh, no.

Richard: Lorelai, Rory is turning 21 years old in 10 days. Do you realize that?
Lorelai: Yes, Dad, I realize it.
Richard: She's 21. That's not a child. 21-year-olds need to be working towards something.
Lorelai: Rory will figure it out.
Richard: Oh, please, she's 21. I couldn't tie my shoe at 21.
Lorelai: Well, Rory's advanced. She had the shoe thing down at 3.
Richard: I'm getting a little tired-
Lorelai: No, I'm getting a little tired of this conversation. I'm not interested in your plan. I'm not going to bribe my daughter with cars and money, mainly because it wouldn't work. And if you'd ever met Rory, you would know it wouldn't work. Rory can't be bought, and I'm not gonna try and buy her. I want Rory to want to go back to school. She used to love to learn and read and study. And that was freakish, but it was her. And she's got to get herself back there.
Richard: But-
Lorelai: No, when Rory wants help, she will ask for it. And the minute she does, I will fly in faster than the Gulfstream I'm sure you're gonna offer to buy her next. But until then, I'm sorry, you're on your own.
Richard: Impossible girl.
Lorelai: My native American name, I believe.

Lorelai: Unbelievable. He's unbelievable.
Luke: He sure is. How did he lift this thing?
Lorelai: Pretending like it's an accident that Rory's still floundering. Nothing's an accident. He caused this. He made this happen.
Luke: It must weigh a thousand pounds.
Lorelai: That was a low blow, bringing up Rory's birthday like that. "She's turning 21, Lorelai. Did you know that?" [chuckles] Of course I know that. I was there when she was turning nothing. I know she's turning 21.
Luke: Does this thing have, like, a real foundation or something?
Lorelai: It's just like my parents, you know, to double-cross me then get mad when I won't help them undo the double cross.
Luke: Did he have guys with him?
Lorelai: What?
Luke: Guys to help him lift this thing.
Lorelai: No, no guys.
Luke: No guys? Your dad is Hercules.

Logan: What?
Rory: I just had a dream that Madeleine Albright was my mother.
Logan: Hmm.

Lorelai: Hey, there.
Babette: Oh, hi, sugar. Couldn't see you over the bags.
Lorelai: Wow, you got a lot of stuff there. You hunkering down for winter?
Babette: Nah, we're getting our supplies for our gallows.
Lorelai: Oh, yeah, you're gonna hang Morey again?
Babette: Do it every year.
Lorelai: You're always the hit of the neighborhood.

Babette: What about you, honey? What are you gonna do?
Lorelai: You know, the same thing I always do.
Babette: Oh. You gonna hang caramel apples from the tree again?
Lorelai: The kids love 'em.
Babette: Yeah. They're not that scary.
Lorelai: Well, to a diabetic, they're downright terrifying. Huh?
Babette: Okay. Caramel apples.
Lorelai: And I will be handing out candy, which, you know, is the entire point of Halloween.
Babette: Sure, honey. Well, we got a lot to do. We got to go.
Morey: No rest for the doomed.
Babette: See you later.
Lorelai: You know, I-I-I bought a haunted house CD to play in the background.

Emily: Rory, could you check your closets? The maid hung up your dry cleaning today and I am missing a blouse, and I want to know whether or not to add this to the list of reasons I'm firing her.
Rory: Of course. I'll be right back.
Emily: Thank you, Rory. I'm so exhausted with incompetent people, I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like every person I hire immediately gets hit in the head with a mallet on their way out of the employment office. [Rory leaves] Logan, do you have anything special planned for Rory's birthday next week?
Logan: Uh... no, no plans.
Emily: Oh, good, because I would love to throw her a party here. A 21st birthday is so special. But I didn't want to order 12 pounds of crab legs if you had plans to whisk her off to Santorini.
Logan: No whisking plans in the works.