Phoebe: Hello, Mrs. Pinilla. Thank you for coming. Here's your 3-D glasses. And Reverend Pong will tell you when to put them on.

Joey: I'm off to my audition. How do I look?
Rachel: I think you look great. Joey, that bag is going to get you that part.
Chandler: And a date with a man.
Joey: You know what? Make fun all you want. This is a great bag, okay. And it's as handy as it is becoming. Now, just because you don't understand something, doesn't make it wrong. All right, so from now on, you guys are going to have to get used to the fact that Joey comes with a bag!

Phoebe: I've got to meet my dad.
Rachel: Will you tell him who you are?
Phoebe: Not at first. I don't want to freak him out.
Ross: But aren't you pissed at him? This guy abandoned you. If it were me, this guy would be in some serious physical danger. I'd walk in there, I'd be like, "Yo, Dad! You and me, outside. Right now!" I kind of scared myself.
Monica: Well, at least you scared someone.

Phoebe: You'd think I'd be angry. You'd think I'd want to rip his tiny, little head off. Fortunately, I'm past it.

Monica: I give good massages. I used to give them to Rachel all the time, before she got allergic.

Monica: You've been lying to me? I can't believe that.
Ross: Maybe he didn't want to hurt you.
Monica: But the minute we start to lie to each other ... And by "we" I mean society.

Joey: Let me show you the catalog. Look. See? Huh? It's the latest thing. Everyone's got one. Men, women, children. Everyone's carrying them.
Director: Do you sell these bags?
Joey: No, no, no. No, these babies sell themselves.

Chandler: Okay. You give the worst massages in the world.
Monica: I'm crying here.
Chandler: Look, hear me out. You give the best bad-massages. If anybody was looking for the best bad-massage and they were thinking to themselves, "Who's the best at that?" They'd have to go to you.
Monica: Huh. So you're saying that, like, um, if there was an award for the best bad-massage.
Well, who would get that?
Chandler: Oh, it would be you. You, Monica! And you'd get all the votes.
Monica: So maybe they could call the award, "The Monica"?
Chandler: Absolutely.
Monica: Okay. I suck!

Phoebe: So question one: You were married to Frances' daughter, Lilly. Correct?
Frank Buffay: Yes, I was.
Phoebe: Question two. Did that marriage end: A. Happily? B. Medium? Or C. In the total abandonment of her and her two children?
Frank Buffay: It really says that?
Phoebe: Yeah, see?

Phoebe: Reasons for abandonment: A. Top-secret government work. B. Amnesia. Or C. You're just a selfish, irresponsible bad, bad man.