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‘The One with Joey's Bag’ Quotes

Friends: The One with Joey's Bag

513. The One with Joey's Bag

Aired February 4, 1999

After Phoebe's grandmother dies, she is shocked to run into her birth father at the memorial service. Meanwhile, Rachel helps Joey discover a new fashion trend with a "man bag", and Monica is upset that Chandler doesn't like her massages.

Quote from Joey

Joey: But it is odd how a woman's purse looks so good on me, a man.
Rachel: Exactly. Unisex!
Joey: Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago.
Rachel: No. No, Joey. U-N-I sex.
Joey: Well, I ain't gonna say no to that.

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Quote from Phoebe

Frank Buffay: Well, you know, in my defense, I was a lousy father.
Phoebe: That's your defense?
Frank Buffay: Yes, it is. I burned the formula, and I put your diapers on backwards. I made up a song to sing to you, but that made you cry even more.
Phoebe: You make up songs?
Frank Buffay: Well, no, just that one. But it was stupid. Let's see, how did it go?
[singing to the tune of "Smelly Cat"] Sleepy girl, sleepy girl, Why won't you go to sleep? Sleepy girl, sleepy girl, You're keeping me up-

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: What happened? How did she die?
Phoebe: Well, okay, we were in the market and she bent down to get some yogurt and she just never came back up again.
Joey: Pheebs, I'm so sorry.
Phoebe: It was really sweet. The last thing she said to me was: "Okay, you go get the eggs and I'm going to get the yogurt, and we'll meet at the checkout counter." And you know what? We will meet at the checkout counter.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: I can't believe we've never done this before. It's so good. It's so good for Monica.
Chandler: Oh, look, time's up. My turn.
Monica: That was half an hour?
Chandler: It's your timer.
Monica: I don't like to brag about it, but I give the best massages.
Chandler: All right, then massage me up right nice. Argh! Argh! Argh.
Monica: It's so good, isn't it?
Chandler: So good I don't know what I've done to deserve it.
Monica: Say goodbye to sore muscles.
Chandler: Goodbye, muscles!

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: I'm telling you, she gives the worst massages ever. It was like she was torturing me for information. And I wanted to give it up but I just didn't know what it was.

Quote from Chandler

Joey: There's this play and I'm up for the part of this cool, suave, international guy. A real clotheshorse. So I figure everyone at the audition will wear this ultra-hip, high-fashion stuff.
Chandler: And you'll make them disappear?

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: I'm fine, but my grandma sort of died.
Joey: Phoebe, sorry.
Phoebe: It's okay. I mean, she had a really incredible life. And it's not like I'll never see her again. She's gonna visit.
Rachel: Well, maybe she's with us right now.
Phoebe: Yeah, right. Her first day on a new spiritual plain and she's going to come to the coffeehouse.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Guys, guys. I just saw two people having sex in a car right outside.
Ross: Uh, Pheebs' grandmother just died.
Monica: Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
Phoebe: Actually, you know what, it's kind of cool. Because it's like you know, one life ends and another begins.
Monica: Not the way they're doing it.

Quote from Joey

Rachel: Now, Joey, you know that since you're returning all this stuff after the audition you're going to have to wear underwear.
Joey: All right. Well, you better show me some of that too.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Well, I sort of have some bad news. Can I come in?
Ursula: No, thanks.
Phoebe: Okay. Grandma died today.
Ursula: Didn't she die like five years ago?
Phoebe: No, she just died today. Okay, we're having a memorial service tomorrow.
Ursula: Okay, I know I went to that already.
Phoebe: No, you didn't.
Ursula: Well then who's been dead for five years?
Phoebe: Lots of people. Look, are you coming to the memorial service or not?
Ursula: Um, no. See, I already thought she was dead, so I've kind of made my peace. And plus I'm going to a concert tomorrow. I'd invite you, but I only have two tickets left.
Phoebe: Fine. Okay, enjoy your concert.
Ursula: Thanks. Enjoy your funeral!

Quote from Joey

Rachel: Don't listen to them. I think it's sexy.
Joey: You-and-I sexy?

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: Phoebe, you do seem a little tense. Here, let me help you.
Phoebe: Ooh! Get off! Stop it! Why are you doing that to me?
Monica: What are you talking about?
Phoebe: As a masseuse and a human, I'm begging you never do that to anyone.

Quote from Monica

Monica: See? It's no big deal.
Chandler: But now you're crying.
Monica: I'm not crying about that. I'm crying about something at work.
Chandler: What?
Monica: My boyfriend said he didn't like my massages.
Chandler: It's okay. You don't have to be best at everything.
Monica: Oh, my God. You don't know me at all!

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: Wait, I'm not saying you shouldn't have a bag. There are other bags that are maybe a little less ... controversial.
Chandler: Yeah, they're called wallets.


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