‘The One with Joey's Bag’
Season 5, Episode 13 - Aired February 4, 1999
After Phoebe's grandmother dies, she is shocked to run into her birth father at the memorial service. Meanwhile, Rachel helps Joey discover a new fashion trend with a "man bag", and Monica is upset that Chandler doesn't like her massages.
Quote from Joey
Rachel: Joey, what are you doing with the bag? Your audition's not until tomorrow.
Joey: Yeah, but sandwich time is right now.
Quote from Ross
Joey: Relax, I'll pay you with the money from the job acting job I'm certain to get thanks to you.
Ross: What's the part? Auntie Mame?
Quote from Joey
Joey: I'm off to my audition. How do I look?
Rachel: I think you look great. Joey, that bag is going to get you that part.
Chandler: And a date with a man.
Joey: You know what? Make fun all you want. This is a great bag, okay. And it's as handy as it is becoming. Now, just because you don't understand something, doesn't make it wrong. All right, so from now on, you guys are going to have to get used to the fact that Joey comes with a bag!
Quote from Ross
Phoebe: I've got to meet my dad.
Rachel: Will you tell him who you are?
Phoebe: Not at first. I don't want to freak him out.
Ross: But aren't you pissed at him? This guy abandoned you. If it were me, this guy would be in some serious physical danger. I'd walk in there, I'd be like, "Yo, Dad! You and me, outside. Right now!" I kind of scared myself.
Monica: Well, at least you scared someone.
Quote from Phoebe
Phoebe: You'd think I'd be angry. You'd think I'd want to rip his tiny, little head off. Fortunately, I'm past it.
Quote from Monica
Monica: I give good massages. I used to give them to Rachel all the time, before she got allergic.
Quote from Monica
Monica: You've been lying to me? I can't believe that.
Ross: Maybe he didn't want to hurt you.
Monica: But the minute we start to lie to each other ... And by "we" I mean society.
Quote from Chandler
Chandler: Okay. You give the worst massages in the world.
Monica: I'm crying here.
Chandler: Look, hear me out. You give the best bad-massages. If anybody was looking for the best bad-massage and they were thinking to themselves, "Who's the best at that?" They'd have to go to you.
Monica: Huh. So you're saying that, like, um, if there was an award for the best bad-massage.
Well, who would get that?
Chandler: Oh, it would be you. You, Monica! And you'd get all the votes.
Monica: So maybe they could call the award, "The Monica"?
Chandler: Absolutely.
Monica: Okay. I suck!
Quote from Phoebe
Phoebe: So question one: You were married to Frances' daughter, Lilly. Correct?
Frank Buffay: Yes, I was.
Phoebe: Question two. Did that marriage end: A. Happily? B. Medium? Or C. In the total abandonment of her and her two children?
Frank Buffay: It really says that?
Phoebe: Yeah, see?
Quote from Phoebe
Phoebe: Reasons for abandonment: A. Top-secret government work. B. Amnesia. Or C. You're just a selfish, irresponsible bad, bad man.