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‘The One Where Rachel Has a Baby (Part 1)’ Quotes

Friends: The One Where Rachel Has a Baby (Part 1)

823. The One Where Rachel Has a Baby (Part 1)

Aired May 16, 2002

The friends join Rachel at the hospital as she goes into labor. As Ross and Rachel are tormented by a seemingly endless stream of couples giving birth before Rachel, Chandler and Monica try to find a private location to start their quest for a baby of their own. Meanwhile, Joey helps Phoebe chat with an attractive patient, and Judy Geller gives Ross an engagement ring.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: Dr. Long, I've been at this for 17 hours. Three women have come and gone with their babies. You gotta give me some good news. How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?
Dr. Long: Three.
Ross: Just three? I'm dilated three!

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Quote from Janice

Nurse: I don't think the next patient is very far along.
Rachel: Okay. Well, then bring her in.
Janice: Oh, my God! [claps]

Quote from Ross

Nurse: I'm sorry. Semi-private rooms are all we have.
Rachel: Okay. Just give us a second. Ross?
Ross: Yeah?
Rachel: Give her some money.
Ross: I really think they're out of rooms.
Rachel: They're not, Ross. They're just saving them for important people. What if I was the president?
Ross: Well, then we'd be in a lot of trouble. You don't know where any countries are.

Quote from Ross

Janice: I can't believe this.
Ross: And yet, somehow, it's true.
Janice: I mean, this is so great. We're gonna be baby buddies. [laughs]
Ross: Squeeze your legs together and cover the baby's ears.

Quote from Janice

Janice: This is my husband, Sid. I don't think you've met him. Ross, Rachel, this is Sid. I nabbed him a year ago at the dermatologist's office. Thank God for adult acne. [laughs]
Sid: I still can't believe it. I'm the luckiest guy in the world.
Ross: Really?
Sid: What did he say?
Janice: Oh, you know what, you have to speak very loudly when you're talking to Sid because he's almost completely deaf.
Ross: Oh, there you go.
Rachel: Of course he is.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Hey, you know what, I'm not waiting. I'm gonna push this baby out. I'm doing it. I mean it's what, three centimeters. That's gotta be like this, right?
Ross: Actually, it's more like this.
Rachel: Oh, stupid metric system.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Hi. I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray. I have a few routine questions I need to ask you.
Cliff: Really? I've been dealing with Dr. Wells.
Joey: I know, but I'm a neurologist. Just to be on the safe side, Dr. Wells wanted a more comprehensive overview of your status. So he sent me.
Cliff: Dr. Wells is a woman.
Joey: That was a test. Good response. All right. Full name?
Cliff: Clifford Burnett.
Joey: Date of birth?
Cliff: November 16, 1968.
Joey: Age?
Cliff: Can't you figure that out based on my date of birth?
Joey: I'm a doctor, Cliff, not a mathematician.

Quote from Rachel

Ross: All right. Yes! From home to the hospital in under seven minutes. We did it.
Rachel: Yes. The hard part is truly over.
Ross: But we are off to a great start, aren't we? I knew I'd get you here fast, but this has to be some kind of a record.

Quote from Ross

Phoebe: Oh, you made it.
Rachel: Hi.
Ross: How the hell did you beat us here?
Monica: We took a cab. Did you guys walk?
Ross: No, we took a cab too. But I did test runs-
Joey: Hey, you made it.
Ross: Okay, is there some kind of magic tunnel to this hospital?

Quote from Rachel

Ross: Say, would you mind checking again to see if any private rooms may have opened up?
Nurse: This is a hospital.
Rachel: Okay, you know what? I have to say I don't really care for your tone. And this is not the only hospital in the city. And we have no problem to- Whoa. Oh, gosh.
Ross: What, what?
Rachel: Contraction. Ow, ow, ow. Ooh, ooh.
Nurse: Would you like to see a semi-private room?
Rachel: Yeah, it couldn't hurt to look.

Quote from Monica

Monica: This is going to be fun. Watch me freak out Chandler. Honey?
Chandler: Yeah?
Monica: Listen, I've been doing some thinking and I don't know whether it's because we're here or Rachel's giving birth, but I think we should try to have a baby.
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: What's that now?
Chandler: Okay. I've been thinking about it too and I think we're ready.
Monica: What? Are you kidding? You think we're ready to have a baby, now?
Phoebe: Oh, this is fun.

Quote from Ross

Marc: I'm sorry. The doctor insisted on closing the curtain for the exam.
Rachel: Oh, that's very- Really, very, very okay.
Marc: Julie's cervix is dilated seven centimeters. That's about four fingers. Doctor let me feel it myself.
Julie: Have you felt Rachel's cervix, Ross?
Rachel: No, I don't want-
Ross: We won't be doing that.
Julie: Well, if you like, you could feel Rachel's, then feel mine to compare.
Judy Geller: Am I interrupting?
Ross: Yes. Thank you!

Quote from Judy Geller

Judy Geller: This is your grandma's engagement ring, I want you to give it to Rachel.
Ross: Mom, no. Come on. Thank you-
Judy Geller: Just hear me out-
Ross: No. No. Okay? We've been through this. We're not going to get married just because she's pregnant, okay?
Judy Geller: Honestly, Ross, this isn't just some girl you picked up in a bar and humped. A child should have a family.
Ross: Mom, you know what? I can't deal with this right now. I'm sorry.
Judy Geller: Just think about it. If you don't, I'll talk more about humping.
Ross: Give me that.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Since when are you so crazy about babies?
Chandler: I'm not crazy about babies. I'm crazy about us.
Monica: What?
Chandler: Well, we've always talked about having babies someday. I'm not saying it has to be right now, but I'm starting to think that we can handle it. We're good. We're really good.
Monica: We are pretty good.
Chandler: But nothing has to happen until you're ready.
Monica: Well, maybe I'm ready now. I mean, it's a little scary, but maybe it's right.
Chandler: What? It's not right! We're not ready to have a kid now!
Monica: What?
Chandler: I'm kidding. This is gonna be fun.

Quote from Monica

Monica: So we're gonna try? I mean, we're trying?
Chandler: We're trying to get pregnant. [Chandler and Monica kiss] You know what, I'm not really comfortable doing this in front of the babies. So when do you want to start trying?
Monica: All right, hold on a sec.
Chandler: Period math?
Monica: Yeah. Well, we could start trying now.
Chandler: Right here?
Monica: No, not here. Maybe here.
Chandler: Wait a minute. It's perfect. We got a lot of time to kill and we're in a building that's full of beds.
Monica: And it's so clean!

Quote from Joey

Joey: Come on, you stupid machine! Come on!
Phoebe: Aww. It ate your money?
Joey: No.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: I broke my leg once too.
Cliff: Oh, yeah? How did yours happen?
Phoebe: It's a long, embarrassing story. Let's just say, there was a typographical error with a sex manual.

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: Excuse me. Could you help me with something? The patient I'm looking for has a broken leg and he's in a wheelchair. He's, like, early to mid-30s, very attractive.
Nurse: I think I know who you're talking about.
Phoebe: Oh, yay. Great. What room number is he in?
Nurse: I'm sorry. That information is restricted to hospital staff.
Joey: She's with me. Dr. Drake Ramoray.
Nurse: Dr. Drake who?
Joey: Ramoray. It's Portuguese. We need that information. I'm a doctor.
Nurse: A doctor at this hospital?
Joey: Damn it, woman. We're losing precious time. Now, do you want this man's blood on your head-
Phoebe: Hands.
Joey: - hands. It is absolutely essential that you tell me what room the man my assistant described is staying in. He's a patient of mine. I've been treating him for years.
Nurse: He's in room 816.
Joey: 816. Thank you. And what is his name?

Quote from Rachel

Woman: Oh, oh, oh!
Doctor: Oh, my. We're going to have to take you straight to the delivery room.
Rachel: Oh, for the love of God!

Quote from Joey

Cliff: I'm 33.
Joey: Okay. And are you married?
Cliff: No.
Joey: Oh, really? So 33 and single? Would you say you have commitment issues?
Cliff: Are all the questions this personal?
Joey: Yes.
Cliff: Well, if you must know, I'm a widower.
Joey: Oh, that's terrible. I'm really sorry.
Cliff: Yeah.
Joey: Do you sleep with women and never call them again?
Cliff: No.
Joey: Excellent. Excellent. And finally, are you into any weird stuff, you know, sexually?
Cliff: No!
Joey: Ooh. Wrong answer.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: What else? What else?
Joey: Well, he's 33.
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Joey: A widower.
Phoebe: Oh.
Joey: He seemed like a standup guy.
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Joey: Oh, and he's not into anything weird sexually.
Phoebe: Enter Pheebs.

Quote from Rachel

Nurse: This room's available.
Rachel: Okay. Wait, you listen to me. You listen to me. Since I have been waiting, four women. That's four - one higher than the number of centimeters that I am dilated - have come and gone with their babies. I'm next. It's my turn. It's only fair. And if you bring in one more woman and she has her baby before me, I'm going to sue you. Not this hospital. I'm gonna sue you. And my husband, he is a lawyer.
Ross: Rach?
Rachel: You get back on that case, honey!

Quote from Janice

Janice: So, congratulations you two. I didn't even know you got married.
Rachel: Oh, we didn't.
Ross: No, no.
Janice: What?
Ross: We're just having this baby together, but that's all. You know?
Janice: Why?
Ross: Uh, well, we're just not in that place, you know? But we're very excited about this.
Janice: Oh. Well, then shut me up. [laughs]
Rachel: Just tell me how.

Quote from Ross

Ross: You said "hi" to mom before she left, right?
Monica: I thought that was her! Yeah, I called her name and she ducked into a stairwell.
Ross: Well, you know what, consider yourself lucky.


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