Martin: Simon, how about a little breakfast?
Simon: Oh, no thanks, Marty. I've already had a lovely crispy golden waffle and a foamy cappuccino down in the Winnebago.
Martin: The Winnebago? That doesn't have a waffle iron or a cappuccino maker.
Daphne: Wait a minute. These gifts look like they've been unwrapped and then wrapped again. Simon!
Simon: You know what that is, Daphne? That's a bread maker, which you did not register for. Some people are so bloody thoughtless.
Daphne: That's stealing. These gifts are going back.
Simon: Never! Returning used merchandise is unethical. And I for one will never be party to it.

Simon: Shouldn't we stop at the supermarket on the way home? I'm very fond of those ham-and-cheese Hot Pockets that you had last year.
Martin: Oh, I keep those stocked. Everything's just like you remember.
Frasier: Well, there has been one small change. The liquor cabinet has a lock.
Simon: Yeah. Well, my new moped had a lock, too. Ha-ha!

Martin: Hey, Fras, I got an idea. Why doesn't Simon stay with us?
Frasier: Oh, oh.
Simon: That's very kind of you, Marty.
Frasier: Yes, well, it is, except it's- Uh, well, I think there'll be more room here at Niles's.
Niles: Oh, yes. Although Frasier's apartment is, uh, closer to a pizza restaurant.
Frasier: Yes, but Niles' is closer to a liquor mart.
Simon: Now, now, now, I don't want you boys fighting over me.
Niles: Dad, how many channels does that satellite of yours get?
Martin: Five hundred.
Simon: We have a winner.

Daphne: Simon!
Simon: Hello, sis.
Daphne: I thought you were in California.
Simon: Yeah, well, those friends I went to surprise were out of town. So I decided to housesit for 'em, which was lovely. 'Til they came home last night. I don't know what all the screaming was about. I was the one in the tub.

Simon: Well, I'm just getting some provisions for my trip.
Daphne: What trip?
Simon: Well, I just thought I'd go meet some mates in California.
Daphne: You can't run out on Mum, she's counting on you!
Simon: She's got the other boys back home.
Daphne: They've all sided with Dad, you know that. You're all she's got.
Simon: I'm not cut out to take care of Mum. She's too demanding. She turned Dad into a shiftless drinker. I can't have her doing that to me.

Daphne: Did you get my wedding gifts down to the post?
Simon: As we speak, they are winging their way towards their rightful owners.
Daphne: Thank you, Simon.
Simon: And in a totally unrelated matter, I am pleased to announce that the Winnebago is now fully equipped with a state-of-the-art DVD, complete with surround sound.
Daphne: I don't believe this.
Simon: Tonight's feature is "Braveheart", starring Australia's favorite son, Mr. Mel Gibson. Showtime is at eight sharp. Everyone is invited.

Daphne: I tell you, I'm this close to just poppin' him one.
Frasier: Now, now Daphne. Daphne, you just have to calm down. Here, have a cookie. [Gives her the bag, she eats one]
Simon: What is up with your appetite lately? What, are you knocked up or something?
Daphne: Of course not! [charges at him]
Simon: Now, now. You wouldn't be the first person in our family to be walking down the aisle carrying more than just a bouquet.

Simon: Hello, all. My furry friend and I have just concluded our daily constitutional, with young Edward here dropping a few amendments along the way. So what's on the docket tonight, eh?

Niles: So... returning wedding presents, I take it. That's one problem Mel and I avoided by eloping. No presents to return when, uh... when, uh...
Simon: When you shag someone else's wife?
Daphne: Simon!

Simon: Where should I put this bag?
Frasier: By the door so you don't forget it when you leave.
Simon: Right. I think I know everyone here. [seeing Roz] Or do I? And what would your name be then, Miss?
Roz: Simon, you low-life idiot. You made a date with me last week and you stood me up.
Simon: Sorry, love, I need a bit more to go on.
Roz: Maybe this'll refresh your memory.
[Roz slams the door in his face]
Simon: Roz, of course.