Frasier: Oh gosh, Dad, I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier. You know, I guess I was just hoping this trip might give me and Frederick some sort of, I don't know, golden moment. I guess I'm just disappointed.
Martin: I know. But you know, none of this would be happening if we had a T.V. T.V. makes everyone get along.

Frasier: You know, I'm really starting to worry about her.
Martin: You're worried? Somewhere on a poultry farm a bunch of chickens are holding a prayer vigil.

Martin: Psst. Hey, sweetheart. I need some more Crunch 'n' Munch.
Penelope: Oh, I'm not...
Martin: I'm sorry. I'm sure your busy, but if my sons see me traipsing through their party, they'll think I'm gonna embarrass them in front of all their stuffed-shirt friends. You look familiar. You ever dance?

Both: Dad?
Martin: Oh, all right, here's what happened. Penelope and I got along great, but after I dropped her off, I was still hungry. So I went to this little coffee shop near McGinty's for chili fries. Now, I know what you're wondering: doesn't McGinty's have chili fries? Yes, and they're very tasty, but...
Frasier: Who the hell is Estelle?
Martin: She works in the coffee shop. We got to chatting and the next thing you know, we're having a nightcap at McGinty's. Hey, when it rains, it pours.

Niles: Yes, Dad, but what about Penelope?
Martin: Oh, I'm seeing her Tuesday.
Niles: You just made a date with Estelle.
Martin: Not for Tuesday.

[After Niles tells Daphne he doesn't think she's a very good cook:]
Martin: What the hell is he doing?
Frasier: Uh... Well, we're off.
Martin: God bless you, son!

Frasier: It's asleep, Dad.
Martin: No, it's not.
Frasier: Really, he hasn't twitched his tail for two minutes.
Martin: That's because he's lulling him into a false sense of security. The most dangerous part of a gecko is its mind.
Frasier: What are you talking about? A gecko's brain is, like, this big.
Martin: Yeah, but a cricket's brain is only this big.

Daphne: Well, look at you, Mr. Security Guard.
Niles: Yes, beware, criminals. Martin Crane is back on the streets.
Martin: Yeah. Actually, Martin Crane is sitting on his butt in a fancy lobby, staring at a bunch of monitors.

Martin: Well, thanks for being concerned, Niles, but, trust me, I don't have any buried memories. I remember every detail of that day.

Daphne: Honey, get a picture of your father with his thermos.
Martin: Oh, enough with the pictures. People didn't make this much fuss when I shipped off to Korea.