Ray: And finally this is how Lee and Stan might visit someone's home. "Ding-dong! Hello! Thank you for inviting us."
Debra: "Oh, Stan, isn't this a lovely house?"
Ray: "It certainly is, and you are lovely too, Lee."
Debra: "Oh, thank you, Stan. I love you."
Ray: "And I love you, Lee." Now, let's take a look at how Frank and Marie might visit someone's home, shall we?
Debra: "Do you think Raymond is home?"
Ray: "Let's find out."
Both: "Ba-boom!" [mime kicking the door down]

Robert: I don't want to hear it, Ma.
Marie: It was for your own good.
Robert: For my own good? Just like the ice cream truck? Remember that? You told me every time the music played that meant they were out of ice cream. [walks off]
Marie: Sugar's not good for you.
Ray: It is the worst thing for a hangover.

Robert: You know, when I had trouble sleeping, Mom used to do something for me. Remember that, Ma? One of my best memories growing up. She'd give me a warm cup of that colored sugar water. Put me right out.
Frank: That was booze.
Robert: Booze?
Marie: Frank!
Frank: A stiff shot of sambuca in there, and it was, "Lights out, Bobby!"
Robert: You gave me liquor?
Marie: Not liquor, dear. Liqueur.
Robert: I don't believe it. All those special times, they were just-
Frank: Happy hours.
Robert: Oh, you are sick!
Marie: Oh, we were good parents. We didn't give you cashews 'cause you could choke on them.
Frank: What's the big deal? It's not like we let him drive that way.

Ray: But the twins can sleep. How come they're not afraid of monsters?
Debra: I don't know. One of them sleeps while the other one's on guard duty.

Ray: So I guess it wasn't just my arm, then, huh?
Robert: Yeah, your arm. You know, I've been meaning to tell you about that. You know how you fell off your bike?
Ray: Yeah.
Robert: Well, you didn't just fall off your bike.
Ray: What do you mean?
Robert: Well, Dad was away so long, I figured he might come home sooner if you had a little accident.
Ray: Are you crazy?! I flipped over the handlebars! I could've been killed!
Robert: I thought of that. Then Dad would have come to the funeral. I'm glad we talked about this. It's been on my mind.

Lois: Oh, I love Stomp.
Frank: Who's Stomp?
Debra: It's sort of like a rhythmic dance. These guys, sort of bang together anything they can find... trash cans, hub caps, brooms.
Frank: And you loved it?
Lois: Oh. Loved it. We're going back.
Frank: How much do they charge for this?
Warren: $40.
Frank: For $20, I'll bang on my garbage cans till your ears bleed.

Debra: Where's my tape recorder, Ray? Where was my tape recorder when I was in labor with the twins for 36 hours and you were asking the nurse if the TV gets ESPN?
Ray: 36 hours, that's not a short time.
Debra: Yeah, guess what? It's even longer when you're trying to push two human beings out of your body while your husband's going, "Does this hospital have fudgesicles?" Yeah, where's my tape recorder, huh? Or when you ask me why I get so upset because I find your underpants in the kitchen, huh? Or when you start snoring at my grandmother's funeral? Or when you tape a football game over our wedding video?!
Ray: Do you really need a tape recorder? You seem to remember everything.

Robert: Why don't you just quit babying him, Ma, huh? They should just rip out your adenoids and be done with it.
Frank: Yeah, just go in, drop your drawers, bing, bang, boom.
Debra: Drop your drawers?
Robert: Do you even know where the adenoids are, Dad?
Frank: Sure, around back with the rest of the "oids."

Debra: I swear, Ray, the only time you call me during the day is when you want me to tape stuff for you because you're running late.
Ray: Not "stuff". Games that I have to watch for work, okay? So I can buy food and electricity for the children! By the way, I don't know why I ask you to tape anything 'cause you never do it right!
Frank: Yeah!
Ray: She can't figure out the damn VCR! How hard is it to tape something? I mean, if I can do it... [gasps] Faker!
Debra: What?
Ray: You could use the VCR, but you don't want to, so you pretend not to be able to. Faker!
Debra: That is idiotic.
Ray: No, it's right-iotic! Well, the shoe's on the other foot now! Uncomfortable and smelly, is it not?

Debra: Why would you get involved with someone else when you already have a relationship? What, does juggling three women at a time make you cool? [they look to Ray]
Ray: Uncool.
Debra: You know, if that's the only way that you can build your self-esteem, then you are pathetic, and you don't deserve to be with anyone.
Robert: That's easy for you to say.
Debra: What was that?
Ray: Lay down, play dead.
Robert: We all know about you, okay, Deb? You were popular. You juggled guys all the time. How many guys asked you to your senior prom, huh? Five, six? You wanna know who I took to my prom? Our Cousin Nellie.
Ray: He threw up on her.
Robert: Somebody spiked the punch!